Sex, Squids, and Poison Love

by LiveOnAPlane

It was a beautiful spring morning in the Wonderland subdivision when Alice’s doorbell rang. She opened the door to find two rather large squid-like aliens standing on her porch. They were Mercotans, but she did not recognize them. They were holding a third, smaller, Mercotan between them. That one she did recognize: it was Xash, her sort-of one-night-stand boyfriend.

Well, one-weekend-stand boyfriend. The “boy” part of boyfriend was kind of a question mark as well, since the Mercotans did not seem to possess gender, with individuals producing both eggs and sperm. The usual practice was for two Mercotans to meld and then choose a third, unrelated Mercotan to carry the embryo around until it could fend for itself.

“Good morning fellow being,” said the Mercotan to Alice’s right. “I am Qadgop and my partner, to your right, is Alice the Goon. We represent the justice arm of the Mercotan government. ”

Alice the Goon leaned over Xash and whispered something to Qadgop.

“Correction. My partner to your left. This one,” he said, giving the dangling Xash a shake, “I believe you are acquainted with. For the record, would you please affirm or deny that you know him?”

“Why yes, I believe I do know him. Long time no see, Xash,” she said, looking at the woebegone being. “How you doing? You look like CalMeacham on a bad day.”

“Not so well, my dear, darling, so precious Alice, I am the victim of a horrible misunderstanding. Only you can re-rail the derailed discuses of justice. Only you can save me!” said Xash.

“Pardon the cheap translator,” said Alice the Goon. “I believe he meant to say ‘wheels of progress.’”

“No, it should have been ‘wheels of justice,” said Qadgop.

“That does not appear to make any sense,” said Alice the Goon, looking as puzzled as was possible for a six-foot squid-creature.

“Why don’t you boys come in?” said Alice.

They did so, dragging Xash along.

They pushed him into a chair. “That was unsatisfying,” said Alice the Goon. “Agreed,” said Qadgop, “Let us try again.”

They pulled Xash up and dropped him even more unceremoniously into the chair.

“Better,” one of them said.

“Don’t try to escape,” warned the other.

Both guards faced Alice. Qadgop said, “We are here to process a possible complaint that we have reason to believe you may have against this miscreant who has done you wrong, as your greatest Terran art form, Country and Western Music puts it, and then oakminster Mercotan justice.” He paused. “Excuse please. That should be ‘administer.’ ”

“…and then oakminster Mercotan administer?” Queried Alice the Goon.

“No, adminster Oakminster justice,” said Qadgop. He paused again. “I mean, administer Oakminster justice… No, wait…now I am all confused.”

“We be burning his dog,” offered Alice the Goon helpfully.

“Do whaaat?” said Alice.

“Sorry. A Mercotan saying; it does not translate well to English.”

The two conferred briefly. “Perhaps if we put it in the manner of your greatest Terran art form, Country and Western music: We will give you the elevator and give him the shaft.”

“Also, please excuse us, but it is now a new day on Mercotan and we must change our names according to our customs. I am now Skald the Rhymer and this is Twickster.

“Anyway, Xash is charged with doing you wrong. According to statements by you that we have been in reception of, we have reason to believe that he used deception to have sexual activity with you and then left you to care for one of his already-fertilized embryos, which he deposited inside your vagina.

“We only require your statement confirming these facts and we will administer…no, I will not go there again…and then we will see that justice is served.”

Xash cried out, “Alice! Please, you have to tell them this is all a horrid mistake! My sweet Terran flower, whom I would never deceive or do wrong, tell them it was all completely consensual. We were strangers on that train and then we were lovers for but a few precious and bittersweet days and then I had to depart to prepare for the end of my tour here and return to Mercotan. Tell them I did not do you wrong!”

Alice thought a moment, and said, “Well, Xash, darlin’, I must admit that you did do a good job of explaining how your embryo would just use my body for shelter and a little nourishment, and that was true enough, and I did consent to carry it for a while to remind me of that special weekend we shared. Your soulful green eyes. And those wonderful tentacles…” She trailed off, thinking very impure thoughts.

“Arms, actually,” said Xash. “see Webster’s definition 2- b: a limb of an invertebrate animal.” He said in one voice while simultaneously saying in a second voice, “Copyright 2016 Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary, all rights reserved.”

“How do you guys do that?” Alice asked?

“Dual sets of vocal chords,” said Xash. “It is a tremendous help when citing our sources. I can also accompany myself on great classic songs like ‘Drop Kick Me Jesus Through the Goalposts of Life.’ Would you like me to demonstrate?”

Skald the Rhymer pulled out an evil looking beam weapon and pointed it at Xash. “If you do, I will kill you bad.”

Twickster pulled out a .44 Magnum Desert Eagle and said, “Me, too. I have heard you sing and you do not do it well. You were saying, Miss?”

Alice looked at the weaponry and asked Twickster, “Isn’t that a Terran weapon there? What is a Mercotan doing with a Terran gun? And why are you pointing it at his crotch?”

Twickster said, “Well, it possesses some advantages over the Colibri-class ray guns. Those 1920s style ‘death rays’ are all well and good, but they have an unfortunate tendency to reflect off polished surfaces.”

“With attendant annihilations and conspicuous collateral damage,” said Skald the Rhymer. “Hard to beat a slug thrower with the punch of a Martini Enfield rifle. Soon’s I have enough saved up, I’m getting me one of them, too. As to your other question, the, ah, reproductive appendage is where our primary brain resides. We have a secondary brain located in our anterior because we cannot use the primary brain and engage in reproductive activity at the same time.”

“Oh,” said Alice. “You’re just like Terran men in that respect, then. Well, anyway. I thought it would be a real sweet and romantic thing to do seeing as how Xash and I would probably never see each other again. I’d have a little part of him for six months. I just don’t see where you boys got the idea that I was taken advantage of. Here, why don’t I get us some milk and cookies from the kitchen?”

Twickster raised her voice while Alice was in the kitchen. “I believe,” she said, “that it was due to your lamenting about your swollen ankles, mood swings, and lack of sleep. And the tendency of the embryo to nip at anything that gets too close seemed to cause you some distress. Also I believe you had some problems when the embryo developed further and became capable of using its feeding tentacle to procure food…”

“..feeding arm,” corrected Alice, returning As soon as she put the tray of milk and cookies on the coffee table, a thin appendage snaked out from under her dress, grabbed a cookie and zipped! back in.

“Oohh,” went Alice. Her eyes blinked rapidly a few times and then she sighed.

“No, actually the feeding appendage is a tentacle,” re-corrected Xash. He looked at the hem of Alice’s dress as the tentacle re-emerged, dipped into one of the glasses of milk, drained it and then disappeared again. “That is…interesting.”

A long belch came from under the dress.

Alice got her composure back and said, “Well, anyway, I will allow that I had a few uncomfortable episodes, but mostly I didn’t even know the little critter was there after a few weeks. Except for it losing me a couple of new boyfriends. Like when Paul got nipped during an — umm — intimate moment one time and ran off to Qatar…freaked him right out, it did... Johnny, too, come to think of it, but at least he stayed here in L.A. And Arnold Winkelried, with that cute smile of his…naw, mostly I was just missing Xash and feeling a little sorry for myself and maybe being a little hormonal. Xash was a gentleman all the way, so you can just let him go.

“But you still haven’t explained how you all know any of that. I’m not a mean old lady who would advertise it on a message board somewhere.”

Skald the Rhymer said, “When a Terran becomes involved with a Mercotan — which happens a lot , as some of us” (this said while looking piercingly at Xash) “ are randy enough to have sex with sheep — we monitor the transmissions from the chips your government implants in your paper currency…just to ensure that the Mercotan follows proper etiquette and cultural norms. It is only good manners.”

“All bow to our cultural god, Miss Manners,” intoned Twickster.

“And to Country and Western music,” added Skald the Rhymer.

All three Mercotans did so.

Alice was shocked. “Man, get out of here! You mean there really is something to that conspiracy theory? The government really does bug our money?”

“Only the twenties,” said Twickster.

“Huh. Imagine that. Well, anyway, y’all got the wrong idea, so you can just turn Xash loose. C’mere, sugar lips!” Alice said, and she and Xash embraced happily, arms and tenta…arms and arms wrapped lovingly around one another.

Alice pulled back from the embrace long enough to ask, “Say, Xash honey, how come you didn’t change your name like all the others?”

“Ah, my darling, I kept it frozen in honor and remembrance of our time as one. I was Xash that weekend and I will always and forever be Xash in memory of it!” He declared.

“Oh, Xash!”

“Oh, Alice!”

Twickster made an “Ahem” noise and asked, “And the problem with the embryo now feeding itself every time you get close to food?”

Alice disengaged from Xash. “Oh, that! Never you mind about that. I mean, yes, there was that incident at the movies when Shagnasty passed around the popcorn, but hey, when I go to parties and they pass around the petit fours, let me tell you, I am THE showstopper of the evening! Dang, I’m just good with it all!”

The Mercotans conferred briefly, then Skald the Rhymer said, “Very well then. All is good that ends good. Is there anything the government of Mercotan can do to apologize for this misunderstanding?”

Alice and Xash whispered to each other, then Xash said, “We believe that if I should be allowed to stay here on earth with my lovely Alice and soon-to-be latest offspring then we will consider everything cubed.”

“Squared,” said the other three simultaneously.

“Done!” said Skald the Rhymer, at which they left forthwith.

And so everything turned out all right and they lived happily, if somewhat strangely, for quite some time after.

Editor’s note: After the success of LiveOnAPlane’s first piece for teemings in the last issue, he and I corresponded about a couple of different story ideas he had. He sent me the first draft of this story as the one closest to being done. I read it with pleasure and returned it to him with a few suggestions. After he finished the story, he sent it to me, and it languished in my inbox for more than a week while I was busy with other things. When I finally got back to him with my final comments — mostly “Nice job! I’ll be happy to run this” — I was saddened to hear from his daughter that LiveOnAPlane had died unexpectedly in the interim.

Many thanks to his daughter Jennifer for permission to run the story as a memorial to a fine Doper with a lovely sense of humor.