Ravings from Dave : Take a Number

by DAVEW0071

One of the blessings pop psychology has bestowed upon the American psyche is the idea that birth order determines an individual's personality. This provides many convenient excuses for behavior flaws, and allows everyone a chance to defer to their position on the familial totem pole in an effort to mitigate their crappy life.

So, as a public service, I herewith offer The Dave-Guy's Guide to Birth Order Personality Traits, otherwise known as Everyone Can Screw Up, and it Ain't Your Fault.

First-borns are often described as "natural leaders." At least, they're described as such by other first-borns. Everyone else thinks they're just bossy.

Oldest children have an inherent understanding that they will be first in line to inherit everything, so their natural tendency is to be evil, smarmy, scheming, self-absorbed, sarcastic and greedy. First-born children are 68% more likely to murder their parents than other birth-order children. Still, they have a natural charm that allows them to get away with stuff like this until someone like Lieutenant Columbo is assigned to the case. Then they'll get their comeuppance, just wait and see!

If you are a first-born, you have a dominant personality. In fact, you are probably a real pain in the keester, demanding perfection of everyone except yourself, and perfectly happy to delegate the dirty work while still managing to claim all the credit. First-borns are ruthless, imperious, quick-tempered, and perfectly suited for the monarchy or the position of Pope. It is worth noting that most petty tyrants were first-born children, including Manuel Noriega, Idi Amin, Baby Doc Duvalier, and Leona Helmsley.

Middle children are rebels. Well, that's putting it mildly. Middle children are pot-smoking, head-banging, tattooed reprobates with multiple body piercings and their own file drawer at the local precinct house.

Because they tend to feel lost amid their siblings, middle children crave attention and act out in order to get noticed. This includes activities such as starting arguments, throwing food, being the family daredevil, gaining a reputation as "class clown", and defecating on airline service carts.

But middle children are often the most sweet-tempered, and can be relied upon to be the family peacekeepers. Right after they've shaved the cat and stuffed it in the dishwasher. Most middle children are highly creative and intelligent, leading to careers as actors, musicians, artists and writers, which helps explain a lot of the television shows out there. Moreover, middle children are more likely to develop the skills necessary to lie their way out of any trouble they've managed to land in.

Famous middle children include Ted Bundy, John Dean, Adam Sandler, Lucretia Borgia, and Rasputin.

Youngest children never grow up. Honestly. I mean it. They could be older than Bob Hope, and they'll still be the baby of the family, prone to temper tantrums, helpless at decision-making, and unable to take any responsibility for anything. Most kooky old ladies who fill their houses with 173 stray cats are youngest children. Any house you were told, "STAY AWAY from there, if you know what's good for you" when you were a kid was owned by a youngest child.

Youngest children are wacked.

This does not mean they don't have their positive traits, though. They can usually be counted on to be the perfect patsy in whatever crazy scheme the middle children cook up. And they will generally be compliant enough to do the oldest kid's chores without questioning them. So they're good for a laugh, or to wield the mop when the dog horks up some ungodly mess on the kitchen floor.

Also, for some reason, youngest children often become the favorite of their parents. Many researchers believe this is because parents realize the youngest is the last reminder of their own youth, and lavish attention on them in an attempt to freeze time. Besides, someone has to look after the parents when they get senile, and if the youngest kid is willing to mop up dog puke, he'll sure as heck massage Mom's corns for the rest of her life.

Youngest children often become Food Service Employees or rodeo clowns. Some famous youngest children include Jim Bakker, Xaviera Hollander, Colonel Sanders, and Iron Mike Tyson.

Only children combine the traits of first-born children with the sensitivity of a Tasmanian Devil and the guile of a litter of weasels born directly under a chicken coop.

If you were born 83rd out of 472, you are a cockroach.