Teemings
Other People's Problems
by Manda Jo
When the idea of an advice column was first brought
up on the board, several people raised some pretty reasonable objections
to the whole concept. I'd like to address those objections, and in doing
so, expand on what I hope this column will accomplish.
The first and most cogent objection was that there
isn't much reason to post to an advice column and get one piece of advice
when you can just post to the boards and get fifty people's opinions, and
benefit from fifty different sets of life experiences. I can't argue with
this-the boards are the best place in the world to learn about people, about
life, about anything. I shudder to imagine who I'd be if my horizons hadn't
been broadened and my critical thinking skills sharpened by three years of
avidly following threads.
So I am not asserting in any way, shape, or form whatsoever
that my own advice is somehow more useful than the advice of the board as
a whole. That would be lunacy and hubris of the highest degree. What I hope
for is that my advice can be entertaining and thought-provoking. (The nice
thing about our whole community is that entertaining and thought-provoking
are synonyms). I don't think that any advice column is really about giving
effective advice to the person who writes in: the time lag alone (several
weeks, at least) makes that impractical. What advice columns do, and what
makes them such good entertainment, is serve as test cases for people's
philosophies of life. We are all of us feeling our way through this vale
of tears, and we all of us have had to face the uncomfortable revelation
that it isn’t enough simply to gird your loins and resolve to always
do right. Even when we think we have found “right” buried in a
pile of murky wrongs, it is never entirely satisfactory: we never get a letter
from possible futures telling us “good choice!”.
We are all bluffing our way through the great test
of life, and I think it’s both healthy and fascinating to occasionally
lean over and see what your neighbor is doing. The point isn’t to copy
his answer: after all, every test is different. It isn’t even to learn
something from someone who is wiser than you: after all, none of us have
a direct line to certainty. The point is that by thinking through other
people’s problems we can define and clarify our own thinking.
I firmly believe that man learns best through trial
and error: it’s a system babies understand from the get go. The thing
about trial and error is that the more trials you have, the more errors you
make, the more secure you are in your eventual knowledge-though certainty
is never reached. By deciding what we would do in very specific cases, we
build up the foundations of our more general principles, and we do so without
the distracting weight of an immediate, personal crisis. And this is why
I think that worrying about other people’s problems is a legitimate
road to self-knowledge-focusing only on the things you have experienced,
never asking “what would I do if I were them?” narrows your sample
size too much.
Advice columns are the perfect springboard for this
sort of thing. Their very structure-a question, followed by an answer-suggests
that the two parts are to be approached separately, and that he answer can
be questioned, doubted, rebuked independently of the original quandary.
Debates-even internal debates-need starting points, something with which
one can agree or disagree. We don’t read advice columns so that we can
learn what to do, we read them so that we can agree or disagree with one
person’s answer, and in doing so, come to better know ourselves.
The other question raised on the boards was the question
of qualifications. The short answer is that I haven’t got any. However,
I hope I’ve shown that I firmly believe that the last thing you want
in an advice column is an expert-there’s no argument to be had with
an enigmatic high-priestess with whom you must agree, even if you do not
understand. Mostly what I bring to this table is a particular joy in this
particular type of writing-I’m willing and eager to do it, and honored
that teemings is giving me a soapbox among so many stars-and, I flatter
myself, something of a knack for giving advice which is perhaps different
(though rarely directly opposed to) the conventional wisdom on a subject.
Again, I have a healthy respect for conventional wisdom: however, if your
goal is to present possible solutions that will spark discussion and analysis,
it is necessary to first step off that beaten path, if only to highlight
that there is a debate to be had where at first glance all looks simple.
Without further ado, then, I will jump into this
issue’s question.
Dear Manda Jo,
It's almost that time of year again... gift-giving
time. Now, I know you give out of the goodness of your heart, and not to
receive anything in return, but what about the person who does not acknowledge
the gift you've given ? The following has occurred over the space of a year,
regarding various gift-giving occasions.
The first gift garnered zero response. I assumed
forgetfulness, and thought nothing more of it.
The second gift was ignored. I assumed forgetfulness,
or perhaps embarrassment (as my birthday had been ignored the previous month).
The third gift seemed invisible. I stopped assuming
and started getting irritated.
I don't give gifts to receive them in return, I
give gifts out of love (and a bit of social conditioning). I must admit however,
to getting just a little cheesed off at spending hard-earned money and not
even getting a 'thank-you' in response. The person in question is a family
member, should that make any difference.
Manda Jo, am I being unreasonable to be a little
annoyed? What should I do?
Signed,
Gifted Out
Dear Gifted Out,
This is what I think is going on here: you are assuming
that gifts mean to your family member what they mean to you, and if that
were true, their actions would be callous beyond belief. However, I don’t
think that that is the case here.
There are many ways to express love: by saying things,
by noticing things, by doing things, and, sometimes, by ignoring things.
One way that you-and a great many people-express love is by giving things.
This is a beautiful thing, and not to be confused with buying affection.
On the most basic level, it’s a way of saying “I’d rather
you have something than me”. On another level, it’s a way of telling
someone that their wants and tastes and needs are known: “I love you
enough to pay attention and know that you would love a cashmere afghan even
though I, myself, don’t own a blanket”. Finally, on a social level,
gift giving is an important ritual through which people define who their
friends and family really are: “You’re on my list of real
people”.
As beautiful a way of expressing love that gift-giving
is, it’s important to realize that it isn’t a universal way or
the only way to show esteem. Some people just aren’t set up this
way-gift-giving just doesn’t resonate with them, in the same way that
some people aren’t set up to say “I love you” and others
aren’t set up to do laundry out of love. There’s no point in wishing
people were different (though I do think it would be legitimate to chose
a partner based on their way of expressing love being compatible with your
way of expressing love, but that is choosing, not changing). If this is a
family member and not a spouse, than you have to accept them as they are,
and who they are is a person who, when given a lovely CD, doesn’t see
“I love you”, they see a CD, and when they fail to mention it,
aren’t ignoring “I love you”, they are ignoring a CD. It is
unfortunate that the two of you don’t sync on this level, but it’s
not a rejection of anybody, it’s just a small area where your personalities
don’t mesh. Try to define your relationship with this person based on
those areas where you are compatible, and if there aren’t any, fall
back on those things that you have in common: other family members.
As far as what you should do, I think you should stop
buying them gifts: at this point it’s not giving them pleasure and
it’s not giving you pleasure. What’s important is that you understand
that you are not stopping out of spite, or out of desire to show them anything,
because you won’t. They won’t see the expression of love stopping.
They probably won’t even notice. And that’s okay, because that’s
who they are. The only exception I would suggest is that if you happen to
see the perfect gift, the thing you know they would love to have, something
that you’d buy for them in July, not only before Christmas when gifts
are expected, then go ahead and buy them that because it will give them pleasure
to have it, and because it will do you good to say “I love you”,
even if all they hear is “You now own a bitchin’ CD.”
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