Teemings
Jesus' Recommendation
by Kimo Therapy
Dearest John
Ah, how long has it been? As know you I was not the
fire perpetrator, so I do return with one final errand before accepting my
own reality. A long time has past since I last spoke, but now it seems I’m
in need of a Good Will Jester. That time is changeless only insofar that
it is constant in change has reminded me countless iterations of how one
must acquire energy to survive. Society of men transcends the blatant physical
definitions and laws that make this world palatable. In so doing, sweet becomes
sour and sour to bitter and the social state of survival becomes omnipotent.
It is not until bearing the responsibility of underlings and minions craving
restitution that one begins to feel the claws of corporate cradle rattles
ringing in the head. Like you, I am human and flawless only in memory. It
is therefore behooving of you to kindly write me one last letter of
recommendation for my admittance into this Real World.
Sincerely
Your old friend
Jesus
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Dear Jesus
I’m sorry to hear you are looking for Real employment
again. Times are hard and the people don’t give a Damn like they used
to. It happens to the best of us, Old Friend. Good luck in the World and
maybe I’ll see you on the street some other time.
Sincerely,
John
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To Whom it May Concern:
I have known Jesus H. Christ for many years and I would
highly recommend him for any job position that requires responsibility,
dedication, leadership and creative problem solving skills. During my youth,
I had the opportunity to work along side Mr. Christ as a cook for a Roman
army camp. Among those three years of working with and for him, I remember
him showing a great commitment to the quality of his performance and an
expeditious dedication to honing newly acquired skills as: first as a scrap
scraper scalper, second as an animal trepanation cook, then as almighty cook,
and finally as head kitchen manager of the entire establishment. He advanced
himself among the ranks in an astonishingly short amount of time and soon
became supervisor of men, women, and children, some as old as 45yrs. What
was most impressive to me was his ability to effectively communicate and
motivate people of all ages and of a myriad of employment histories, not
to mention his meticulous and careful organizational planning of the inventory
and schedule planning. He had the inveterate tendency to properly judge the
character of employment applicants and recommend only those whom he felt
were capable of performing in the environment he dedicated himself to manage.
His personality is one of great courage, confidence, and charisma and as
a result, makes him possess both a priori and a posteriori leadership skills
that venerate a highly motivational presence in the work environment.
Jesus is also innovative and dexterous in his ability
to implement new ideas and methods of handling the organizational effectiveness
of a work environment. He is far more intelligent than I and in particular,
shows a great propensity for the analysis of statistical and analytical
mathematics. I am confidant that he could facilely keep accurate accounting
and inventory records and perform routine book keeping analysis to successfully
maintain a smooth running business. In addition he is highly capable of learning
new skills competently and swiftly. He is patient and is a good teacher as
well.
I remember Jesus possessing an amazing work ethic. While
still maintaining an outstanding philosophic grade point average, he was
managing and working sometimes 40 hours a week, while during the summer
vacations, he sometimes worked 70+ hours per week to compensate for the increased
business from summer tours and war campaigns. Never do I recall hearing him
complain of working long hours and it was Jesus who was accountable for lifting
other employers’ spirits after many hours of intensely stressful work.
From my perspective of working along side Jesus, I find him to consistently
sustain a positive attitude and an outstanding work ethic.
His dedication and high work ethic, coupled with his
natural intelligence and leadership skills make Jesus a prized employer and
a successful individual in any non-technical working environment. I would
auspiciously recommend Jesus H. Christ for any position that demands a high
degree of work ethic, judgment of character, trustworthiness, managerial
skills, and organizational efforts.
Sincerely,
The E-Zine of the Straight Dope Community