The E-Zine of the Straight Dope Community
Ponderings
by Fenris
The third and final “stinkeroo” of
Heinlein’s can be found only in the March ’42 issue of ASTONISHING,
which, judging by the contents, is a distant second to ASTOUNDING. Other
than Heinlein’s “Lyle Monroe” pseudonym, there are only one
or two names that I recognize and they just barely ring a bell. I couldn’t
name a story by any of the other authors. That’s not a good sign for
a pulp during the Golden Age.
What’s funny is that “Lyle Monroe”
doesn’t even get major cover credit. His name’s buried down in
a corner among a whole group of nobodies. Given that “Lyle Monroe”
wrote several really good stories, (“Let There Be Light”, “Lost
Legacy”) it’s bizarre that they’d bury his name.
Anyway, the story is called “Pied Piper.”
A synopsis follows.
The Prime Minister and Field Marshall Ylem are waiting
to see Dr. Groot. Ylem's pretty upset that they're being forced to wait,
but the PM says that they need Groot more than Groot needs them. Without
Groot, they'll lose the war.
Dr. Groot eventually sees them. Turns out he was conducting
an experiment where he discovered that he could induce hysterical "herpies"
(sic) in field mice. The Field Marshall's not impressed.
The PM tells Dr. Groot that he's the only man brilliant
enough to discover a way that their side can win. The Field Marshall explains
the situation: the two sides started with equal manpower, but the other side
has more goods, and the more that "our" side loses, the faster we'll keep
losing.
Dr. Groot does some quick math and points out that
at the rate the Field Marshall's described, they'll lose by winter. Groot
says that he could easily build death-rays and explosion projectors...but
he won't. He doesn't see much difference between the two sides.
The Field Marshall blows a gasket. The PM asks the
Field Marshall to shut up, pointing out that you really can't force a man
to do creative work.
Dr. Groot says he won't help his side win, but he will
help it to not lose. In other words, he'll make the whole thing a draw on
the condition that the two nations join into one, larger nation with a single
government. The Field Marshall blows a gasket again and the PM throws him
out, agreeing to Dr. Groot's terms.
Dr. Groot points out to the PM that the only reason
men fight in wars is to for their children. So that their "tribe may live
after them."
Dr. G. proposes to kidnap the children of the enemy.
The PM won't agree. "It's an infamous scheme. I won't agree to it." Besides,
he says, "It's against international law."
Dr Groot replies (with one of the few good lines in
the story) "Naturally. International law defines the legal ways that men
can kill men. This proposes an illegal way to avoid killing them."
Later, in enemy territory, the other side is preparing
for an air raid and a teacher hustles her kids inside. But as the planes
fly overhead, helicopters start landing and preparing to snatch the kids.
They start playing music that compels the kids to come to them. Once they're
there, a teleport gate(?) is set up and the kids march through and the machinery
is blown up.
Dr Groot engages in techno-babble, but in short explains
that as long as there's another gate tuned to the same frequency, there's
no possibility of danger to the kids. He also explains that the secret of
the compelling music will never be shared.
As soon as all the kids have gone through to Dr. Groot's
country, a huge force field is set up between the two nations. The war ends.
The two countries have no choice but to join into one
larger one. Both the Prime Minister and the Other Guy agree that there's
only one person who is trusted enough to lead the new country: Dr. Groot.
As soon as they offer him the job, the Field Marshall snaps and threatens
a military coup.
Music starts playing. The Field Marshall and a bunch
of his flunkies are forced (by the music) to get up and march through a gate.
The PM asks where the Field Marshall and all his flunkies went. Dr. Groot
shrugs and says that he didn't have time to set another gate.
The End.
What's weird is that this doesn't "read" like Heinlein
at all. The pacing's completely wrong, the dialogue (normally so distinctive)
doesn't have that Heinlein flavor, the characters are dull, etc.
I have no doubt that it IS Heinlein; it's too well
documented. But if I'd been given this story in a vacuum, I'd have guessed
maybe Murray Leinster at his worst. (Leinster at his best can be brilliant...he's
the only SF author to predict anything close to the Internet: in 1948!!...but
while under deadline pressure, Leinster produced some amazingly bad schlock.
This has echoes of bad Leinster)
When it comes down to it, as far as I’m concerned,
only one of the three “stinkeroos” really deserves the name: this
one. "My Object All Sublime" had a rollicking sort of manic energy, "Beyond
Doubt" had weird echoes of Heinlein's later writing and bits and pieces of
Heinlein showing how to do dirty political campaigns. This? This is just
dreary.
The Lost Stories
of Robert Heinlein