Teemings

How to Get Into an Ivy League College

by Soop

Getting an Ivy League education is the dream of many High School Students. But many think that they are too "dumb" to make it to the Ivy League. But as this guide will show, anyone can get into the top schools in the world. Even you.

The quickest and most successful way to get into an Ivy League school is to be the son of a current or former President. It does not matter how stupid, clueless, or illiterate you are. If your dad is or was the President of the United States, you are guaranteed acceptance. You may think this is unfair, but take a look at it from their perspective. If you were a college admissions officer, would you like to turn down the son of the most powerful man on earth, a man who could easily declare your lawn the next "target practice zone" for Stealth bombers? I think not.

If you are not the son of a president, don't worry. If you parents are famous in anyway, movie stars, for example, you have a good shot of getting in as well. Don't have famous parents? Don't worry. If you parent's are rich, you also have a good chance of being admitted.

I know you're thinking: But what if I am the son or daughter of regular, non-famous, non-rich, middle class hard working Americans? Does that mean I can never get into an Ivy League college?

Of course not. Even if your parents are not rich and famous, you can still enter. Here's what you need to do.

First, if you aren't in already, you need to get into the "Honors Program". This is easier than it seems. American students in general are getting dumber and dumber, so it does not take much to be considered "gifted". These days, anyone with more brain activity than a used glue stick is deemed worthy of "honors".

Once you get into honors, be prepared to do quite a good amount of work. Most of this involves writing essays and reports. You will inevitably learn the vital skill that all honors students acquire: How to bull your way through an essay. For example, consider this statement:

World War II was an important event when a lot of people died.

Bleh. Boring, uninspired.F-. This is the type of sentence written by a non-honors student. However, those who are in the honors program, familiar with the art of bull, will produce a sentence like this:

In the epic human conflict known and the Second World War, much blood was shed by many soldiers and their brave allies in the name of liberty, justice, and freedom.

Note that the second sentence contains no more useful information than the first one, but reads like it was written by a much smarter person. Key words such as "human", "brave", "liberty", and "freedom" are essential to the art of bull, and can dramatically raise the grade of any paper.

But don't think that simply writing flowery papers and getting into honors will grant you admission into big name schools. Far from it. These days, which intelligence as rare as it is, universities are forced to admit based on other factors. These include:

Character is an intangible quality that all good and moral people posses. Given the fact that you have read this far, you probably don't have any. But don't worry. It's easy to fake character. All you need to do is volunteer.

I recommend volunteering for the Salvation Army. It's easy work, and you can steal some very decent clothing while you're at it. Doing some time at your local library is also good: you can pretend to be working hard just by randomly shuffling around some books. You should record how much time you "volunteer", because this goes on your application.

As for leadership, that requires a bit more effort than character. The best way to show leadership is to become president of your class in the Student Government. Never mind the fact that the student government has no actual power. All you have to do is put "President of class" on your college resume and it will look like you are an incredible leader.

In order to be voted president, it is necessary to make yourself as popular as possible. This can be achieved through various methods, handing out money being the most effective. Remember the three "B's" of getting elected into any office: Beg, Bribe, Blackmail. It also crucial to plaster the walls of your high school with ads containing messages such as:

"Vote Allen Prez"

or

"On election day, vote Allen President"

If you want really effective ads, try using pictures or making up slogans. Here are some examples:

  • Get at a picture of the Tiananmen Square protests and replace an image of your head for the head of Mao Zedung
  • Place your opponent's image next to a large picture of Adolph Hitler. Write on the bottom: "When you vote for (insert name of opponent), you vote for Hitler!"
  • Place a picture of your opponent side by side with a picture of Osama Bin Ladin and type "You are either with us, or you are with the terrorists" on the bottom.
  • Using a photo-editing software, take a photo yourself and superimpose it onto an image portraying Jesus Christ (note: do not use the crucifixion scene). Write on the bottom "Jesus endorses Allen"

Finally, make sure your name is first on the ballot. Most students don't care at all who they vote for, so they simply check the first person written on the ballot. Make sure you are that person, even if you have to sleep with whoever prints those ballots out.

Once you get elected, you can claim to be a "leader". Don't worry that you had to bride and cheat your way into that position: all leaders do this.

The third item, honor, is something of a puzzle. I can't figure out what honor is, and I'm betting the admittance people don't know either. In the old days, Indians would kill white settlers and scalp them. The scalps would then be brought back to the village, and the warrior who got the most scalps would be considered "honorable". But unless you plan dress yourself up in war paint, become an Indian warrior, go to Texas and begin scalping people (which might actually be an improvement to current conditions in Texas), I don't see how you could show honor. My advice is simple not to worry about this.

Anyway, during the summer between your junior and senior years (time fly's fast in high school!), it's time to start working on your resume and college essay. It is general accepted that everyone lies on their resume. Your admittance officers are too lazy to check if anything you write is true, so feel free to make wild claims about yourself.

Examples:
WHAT YOU DID WHAT YOU SHOULD WRITE ON YOU RESUME
Went to Dunkin Doughnuts one lunch period. Lead the high school debate team to a sweeping National victory.
Lost your social studies book and paid the school 50 bucks for it. Contributed 5000 hard earned dollars to the school's "Red Cross fund".
Got a "C" on an English essay. Re-invented the English language with essays that the New York Times calls "God-like".
Messed up biology lad and made a mess of your lab table. Cured Cancer.
Showed up for track practice once, didn't show for any meets, and got kicked out of track. Broke multiple world land-speed records. Ran a three minute mile. Elected as "athlete of the century".

Your essay is equally important as your resume, and it is essential that you write one well. In stark contrast to your average English essay, what you write for your college application essay should be coherent, well thought out, and insightful.

In other words, you should plagiarize.

I recommend buying one of those books with titles like "successful college application essays" and simply copying from those. Better yet, if you have a scanner, you can scan the words directly on to your computer, thus eliminating the need for you to do any thinking at all.

Don't worry if you have any moral problems doing this. No religion (or, at least, no important one) specifically bans Plagiarism. Granted, there is that pesky "thou shall not steal", but you should not confine yourself to a literal interpretation. Besides, if God didn't want us to plagiarize He would never have given us the internet and the twin miracles known as copy and paste.

Granted, if you really do not want to cheat, you can write your own. Be sure, however, to dress up your actions with the latest buzzwords in the list below.
DON'T SAY: INSTEAD, SAY:
Slept in Class Managed Resources effectively
Handed in projects late Employed creative time management skills
Got fired first day on the job Dynamic career experience
Lazy Motivated
Messed up Empowered
Got a D- for English Final Received exceptional score in Language Arts
Clueless Proactive
Cheated in class Was highly motivated to succeed
Stupid Original
Totally incompetent Creative Learner
Incoherent thoughts Keen insights
Worthless State of the Art
Immoral and lacking in character Has great personal integrity
Lies, steals, and rebels against teachers. Stands up for own beliefs
Caused trouble in lunch room Willing to take stands on important issues
Yelled rudely and loudly at principal Delivered stunning oratory.

Aside from your resume and your essay, colleges also require teacher recommendations. It goes without saying that you should ask only those teachers who "like you" to write recommendations. Also, since your teacher may not know a whole lot about you, help him out by providing him useful (in other words, incorrect) information.

Here is an example of a winning teacher recommendation:

Does student demonstrate leadership skills?

Allen is the supreme leader of the class. Ruling with an Iron Fist, he controls the class in a true totalitarian fashion, and those who don't obey are never heard from again. Some have called this fascism, but they have been shipped to prison camps in Siberia.

Does student possess self-determination?

Allen challenges himself like no other. His goal is get into Harvard, and will let nothing, not even the law, get in his way.

Is the student honest?

Allen is the most honest and truthful person I have ever had the pleasure to know. He would never lie about anything, especially on his college application.

Does the student display exceptional behavior?

Allen behaves like no one I have ever seen before. He routinely comes to class wearing a turban, and makes passing remarks about becoming a "martyr". Also, sometimes he comes to class late and all his clothing smells like nitrogen based fertilizer. Clearly, he is hard at work at something.

Does the student process time management skills?

Allen is an incredible time manger. For example, he sometimes hands in essays late, just to ease my load for grading papers!

Is the student compassionate?

Allen is very compassionate. Every month, he donates millions of dollars to the Red Cross through an unnamed Swiss back account. I have personally seen him heal the blind and bring dead children back to life.

Once you mail out all your stuff, you recommendations, your essay, etc, you can set back and relax. With a winning resume and top notch essay, and with impressive courses, an Ivy League education will be yours. And, if by a rare chance you don't get in, fear not. There is always Community College, or, for the truly desperate, there's always Penn State*. Besides, living in a dumpster after retirement ain't that bad.

* Alright. All you people who are planning to go the Penn State, I'm only joking. Despite my gaping shock that anything funded by the Government could be "good", I am well aware the Penn State is very good school. So please, lower your weapons.


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