So, You Wanna Have Power, Eh?
by Soop
Well, my boy, you are in luck — because this is America, the land of promise, where anyone can succeed in becoming filthy rich and corruptly powerful!
Well, perhaps not “anyone.” Obviously, to do well in this great nation, you must have some certain qualifications. For example, you must be white. If your ancestors weren’t from Europe, forget it. The highest you’ll ever get is the leader of a lobbying organization, or a lower middle manager. If you have a problem with this, I suggest you move to Russia.
In addition to being white, you must also be male. The majority of CEOs are male, and all presidents have been male. True, there are exceptions. For example, there are several female congressmen. However, these will exceptions will always be other people, not you. In addition to being a while male, you must also be a member of the Judeo-Christian family of religions. If you are Muslim, or Hindu, or Buddhist, you can forget about political office and high-paying jobs. After all, have you ever seen a Hindu congressman? I sure as hell haven’t. And finally, you must have rich and powerful parents. This is essential. You are not going to get anywhere in life if you are born into a welfare family, or even into a middle-class family.
But, assuming you are lucky enough to be a white, Judeo-Christian male, born into a rich and powerful family, you are all set. Yes, my friend, you are on the path to success by default and can hardly fail. For you, the journey to power begins now.
Before you get power, however, you must first get rich. Money does not automatically equal power, but money can buy power. However, power isn’t cheap. So you are going need money, and you are going to need it fast.
The two preferred ways of acquiring money in America are crime and inheritance. You may have heard people say that hard work is the best way to get money…not true! Hard work never makes you rich. Take a look at the hardest-working people in society: the janitors, the street sweepers, the garbage men, the construction workers… are they rich? I don’t think so. So you have to turn to crime and inheritance. Since your parents are rich, you will inherit a large amount of money. But this is not always enough. That leaves crime as an alternative.
When you think of “money crime,” I suspect the first image that pops into your head is as follows: men wearing black combat suits and wielding semiautomatic rifles flood into your local bank from an armored van. They shout “everybody down,” occasionally firing warning shots into the ceiling, and then proceed to steal all the money from the vault.
This type of crime is not only extremely inefficient, but also extremely “catch-able.” Nowadays, all the banks have cameras and special buttons to summon the police. Your chances of getting caught when involved in such a robbery, therefore, are greatly increased. You don’t need this hassle.
Instead, catch the wave of future and steal money like the weasel that you are…by fraud! Why go through all the trouble of buying masks and firearms and evading the police when you can make ten times what a bank robber makes by duping the idiots that surround you. Insurance companies, investors, or even your local citizens…all are great targets for fraud. And the best thing is, you probably won’t get caught.
Hell, even if you do get caught, what’s the big deal? With your parents’ money, you can easily buy yourself the sentence that you want. And even if you do serve jail time, you can use this to your political advantage (more on this later).
If for some naive reason you do not want to be a criminal, don’t panic. You can pick the next best thing: law school.
Law school is a place where rich white kids like you can “get an education.” Don’t worry if your SAT scores aren’t too high…it’s the money that counts and your parents can easily bribe you into the college of your choice. Once in law school, you will study for about four years, learning the tricks of being a lawyer.
This may sound boring, and sometimes it is. But do not forget that after class, mostly in the evenings, you will have the opportunity to get together with other rich white kids like yourself and “hit the town.” You can enjoy massive quantities of alcohol, woo women and, if you like, “experiment” with illegal drugs. The college staff does not mind this behavior; remember: your parents are paying their salaries.
Once you graduate from law school, you will be a lawyer! Think about it: America has the highest lawyer-to-citizen ratio on the planet, and yet demand is still sky-high. And you’ll be raking in big bucks every time you help screw a client. Big bucks.
However you get you money, remember: you still don’t have power. Where can you get power? Politics, of course. If you could be elected president, you’ll be the second most powerful man in the world1! Why, you’ll have the firepower of the Earth’s largest army at your fingertips! You’ll have an entire staff working for you, and you get free housing and food for at least four years! What could be better?
But be warned! Getting elected is not easy. This is because you will need to convince the public that you are a good leader, and that you’ll serve their interests, and you’ll have to claim this while still keeping a straight face. That’s hard!
To make things worse, you’ll have a capable opponent who is just as determined to get the job as you are! So what can you do?
First, forget the issues. People don’t understand the issues anymore than trout understand sign language. Instead, focus on vague properties such as “honesty” or “integrity.” Don’t worry if you don’t have “honesty” or “integrity”…you just have to act like you do. If you are a Republican, learn to fake a compassionate air and claim that you “care about the children” (even though you accepted a $10 million “contribution” from the NRA). If you are a Democrat, learn to use the news. Remember: the press is liberal.
It is during your campaign that details about your college life will come to light. They will discover that you took illegal drugs, drank like hell, etc. Don’t worry. Simply dismiss this claim by saying “I made mistakes in the past” and that “I learned from those mistakes.” Use these admissions as an example of your personal “integrity.” Then quickly change the subject by talking about Medicare.
If you are clueless, don’t worry. You can use words to appear smart. Combine any of the following “presidential buzzwords” to dupe the audience into thinking you’re intelligent:
Presidential Buzzwords
Welfare
Social Security
Advanced Technology
Reform
Balanced Budget
Small class sizes
Compassionate
Transcend
Crime reduction
Dignity
Fiscal Discipline
Responsibility
Integrity
Immigration Regulation
American Pride
Positive Campaigning
Poverty
World War Two
The high road
Ronald Reagan
Small Government
Trade
Campaign Finance Reform
Tax Relief
International Affairs
Education
Morality
Medicare
The 21st Century
Founding Fathers
Examples:
Like Ronald Reagan, I plan to Reform Welfare using advanced technology while balancing the budget and promoting Campaign Finance Reform.
The founding fathers wanted to teach American Pride. I will do the same, by improving education using small class sizes.
After World War Two, America created Social Security. Now, as we enter the 21st century, I will make sure Social Security is safe by using Fiscal Discipline and Responsibility.
I stand for Dignity, Integrity, and Positive Campaigning. I will take the high road and set a standard for Morality.
If you have the good luck to get elected, you’ll be facing at least four years of power. Great, huh? Contrary to popular belief, you will not be required to make important presidential-style decisions. Rather, these decisions will be made by your advisors. In fact, your advisors will spoon-feed you all the answers.
Occasionally, however, bad things can happen. The economy might crash, the healthcare system might fail, or Social Security might break down. When this happens, the people will blame YOU. And unless you do something about it, you can say goodbye to four more years.
Luckily, you can pass blame for any national disasters to Congress. Claim that you were for “doing the right thing” and Congress screwed it all up. This scapegoat works 90 percent of the time.
The other 10 percent of the time, when you’re really desperate, don’t panic! As successful former presidents have demonstrated, when things are really lookin’ bad, Bomb Iraq. Yes. Bombing Iraq will divert attention from all national problems. You can easily justify this bombing by declaring the Iraqis were trying to develop “weapons of mass destruction” and that the US acted in “self defense.”
Finally, at this stage of your presidency, it is useful to have an affair with an intern. This will have the Christian Coalition screaming down your neck, but don’t worry. If you have an affair now, you can write books about it later, guaranteeing a steady stream of income after you leave office.
Speaking of leaving office, you’ll have to eventually. After four or eight years of service, you’ll leave the presidency. You’ll probably feel a little tired after being the most powerful man on earth, so take a little break and disappear from the spotlight. Spend one or two years having fun: travel the word, visit exotic places, gamble your ass off…whatever. And when you come back, you’ll be ready for the next stage in your life: starting your own company.
Business Administration for dummies
Starting a company is easy. The key to successful economics in the 21st century is as follows: It doesn’t matter what you make…it matters where you make it. For example, suppose you sell shoes. In the US, you could probably sell a shoe for 50 bucks. But to make that shoe, you have to hire US workers, pay them at least minimum wage, offer health care benefits, retirement benefits, insurance benefits, etc. This can add up. So while you’re making money on shoes, you’re paying a lot of that money to your own workers.
So what can you do? Move, of course. I recommend moving to underdeveloped third-world countries such as Vietnam, the Philippines, Mexico, or Nebraska. In these countries, the workers will be more than happy to work in sweatshops 15 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, making several US cents per week. You don’t have to offer any benefits to your workers, and if one dies from exhaustion, you can always hire new ones. Remember: It’s not slavery, it’s just capitalism.
And with sweatshops set up in foreign countries, you can make absurdly high profits, buy personal jet planes, eat at expensive French restaurants…whatever you like.
Don’t forget that as the head of a company, it’s good for you to make connections with other company leaders like yourself. To do this, you must visit expensive executive retreats located in beautiful, mountainous areas. There, you will discuss important business matters with other white males just like yourself.
Plan to work until you are 65 years old. Then, enjoy retirement. You can write books or appear on television interviews should you need additional money.
If you have kids, plan to leave them a large sum of money, and do for them what your parents did for you. Bribe them into law school, and anything else it takes. Eventually, your children will follow in your footsteps, and the circle will draw itself to a close.
You’ll die in your bed: old, rich, fat, and happy.
And your offspring will continue the great cycle.
But all of this is in the future. For now, hold you head up high, and know the course has been marked out for you! Your journey to power begins today! Good luck, my friend, and go to it!
1] The most powerful man in the world is Alan Greenspan. Greenspan has actually been dead for several years, although no one really notices. Post-mortem or not, however, he still wields the power to control interest rates. The means that he effectively decides the path of the Global Economy. If this sounds kind of scary, that’s because it is.