Ponderings
by Fenris
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Ask Osama Bin Landers Osama Bin Landers is a syndicated columnist and would-be world conqueror brought to you by the Fenris News Syndicate. He’s appeared in no other newspapers, articles or silly spoofs. Osama Bin Lander’s new booklet "Oopsie Doodles!" has everything from frank discussions of mistakes underlings have made in his campaign of terror to outrageously funny tortures he’s inflicted on his underlings who’ve made mistakes in his campaign of terror. Send $24.95 and a long self addressed stamped envelope to: Osama Bin Landers, Hiding in A Cave, Afghanistan |
Dear Osama Landers,
My husband thinks that my corn and relish chowder is better cold the next
day. I like it hot, with plenty of relish-juice. I think that it’s gross
to eat it cold. Who's right?
Pickled in Boston
Dear Wanton Harlot:
Your job is to do what your husband says. He should beat you until you submit.
Should you not obey him, you will surely burn in Hell!
Dear Osama Landers,
I'm a college student and the college mandates that I live in a dorm. My
dorm-mate is a nice guy, but he plays hip-hop way too loud and waaaay too
late at night. I'm not comfortable confronting him, though, since he's black
and he might think I'm racist for not wanting hip-hop played loudly at 3:00
am.
Awake in Amherst
Dear Satanic Hell-Spawn,
Why are you in college? Secular education is for the wicked. Nevertheless,
if you feel you must dedicate your life to evil, you must not compound it
by listening to "rock and rolling" music. To deal fairly with your "dorm-mate",
you should not confront him directly, but instead, you must put a fertilizer
bomb under his bed with a pressure-sensitive trigger under the mattress.
This will insure his evil ceases forever.
Dear Osama Bin Landers,
I am a Muslim and follow Allah’s teachings in the Qu'arn. I find your
extremism unscriptural, unholy and frankly: I think you're a nut.
Moral Muslim
Dear Vile Apostate:
Fifty lashes with a razor-barbed whip for you! Only my interpretation of
the Qu'arn is correct. All non-believers and heretics must perish in flames
and agony. Congratulations. You're now first on my list.
Dear Osama Bin Landers,
My wife may be cheating on me. I've seen her going into an apartment complex
and when I followed her, I saw that she'd gone into a man's apartment. She
keeps making lame excuses too. Just because she’s a housecleaner! What
should I do?
Confused in Cucamonga
Dear Bereaved Widower of a Slut:
The best thing that you can do is this. Hijack a commercial airliner and
fly it into the apartment complex where the slut and the gigolo who cuckolded
you engage in their fornication! That way you can look down on them burning
in Hell from your heavenly seat and laugh!
Dear Osama Bin Landers,
“Fred” is my best friend but he’s gay and I’m a woman. So there’s nothing between us. Anyway, I was going to get married to “Bill” but “Bill” doesn’t like “Fred” and I’d always hoped “Fred” could be my “man of honor”! Anyway “Bill” said it wouldn’t look right for me to have a man as my maid of honor, but I said he could just be a “man of honor” and it would be OK.
Then I found out from “Sue” that “Bill” once dated “Fred” while we were dating too and that the real reason that “Bill” doesn’t want “Fred” at the wedding is that seeing “Fred” is making “Bill” feel guilty about his affair.
I don’t care about the fact that they had an affair, I just want my wedding to go off as planned. We’ve already paid the non-refundable deposit on the caterer and rented the hall and everything!
So here’s what I’m thinking: If I sleep with “Sue” it’ll even things up. Then we’ll both have cheated and everything will be ok.
Does that make sense?
Wanting a Wedding
Dear Insane Person,
You are all stupid, stupid degenerates! What is wrong with you that you spew
your tawdry lives and petty problems to me? I am trying to destroy all evil
and wickedness and all you can do is chatter-chatter-chatter about your empty,
meaningless problems? Are you all insane? I suggest you all kill yourselves.
Suicide is a sin, but removing you from the world would be an act of Jihad
so your sin of suicide would be negated by your courageous action in killing
a stupid evil person. So I don’t know if you’d go to Hell or what.
Possibly you’d become a ghost, albeit a very stupid one. Now go and
never bother me again.
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