by Scylla
First off, thanks to Euty for offering me the chance at a column, and double thanks for taking on the onerous task of editing my writing. He’s been curiously silent about the pay though, but maybe the email got lost.
When offered carte blanche as to what I wanted to do, I was thrilled at the possibilities for about thirty seconds. Then I realized I had absolutely no idea what to say. It’s an opportunity to make a difference in the world, let people hear my unique perspective, share my vast wisdom and make everybody who reads this a much better person than they were before. But what to do?
I wanted to make it worth doing, and that’s what kept going through my head as I pondered. Finally, I settled on that as my ongoing theme. Each column, I was going to try to bring you something “worth doing.” Once I decided that the first column was easy.
On the Tail of Panthera Pardura
Or
Seducing the Black Leopard
At fourteen years old, I bought a ticket to see the PG rated Hair at the local multiplex, and instead snuck into the hard R rated erotic thriller Cat People starring the delectable Nastassja Kinski. It had such an effect on me that it was only by the narrowest margin of sensibility delivered by my recovering wife, that my daughter avoided being named “Nastassja.”
Nastassja plays a virginal yet seductive orphan with a dark secret. She is part cat! When she makes love the beast within is unleashed and she becomes a Black Leopard. The only way she can become human again is to kill. I loved the sex scenes, the hissing, and the back scratching, the one part that never rang true though was the killing. It seemed logical that if sex made Nastassja’s character transform into a black leopard, than sex ought to be able to transform her back. Why should killing be necessary?
This conundrum troubled my adolescence and my Nastassja Kinski fantasies to such a degree that I decided to do a little research, as to why this should be the case. Very quickly, I concluded that the movie had gotten it wrong. The killing wasn’t necessary at all.
I could understand the movie’s confusion on this point, as at first glance there doesn’t seem to be much difference between attempted sexual congress with a black leopard and sudden death, and, it seemed, the director had simply decided that good taste and his audience didn’t really require him to make this distinction. The effect was the same, after all.
I however, thought it was a distinction worth noting. If I could somehow safely have sex with a black leopard, than that would naturally make me the prime candidate for Nastassja Kinski’s sultry charms. I would be the only person she could have sex with without murdering, and, in a “last man on earth” kind of logic that seemed inarguable and appealing to my adolescent mind, she would therefore have to choose me as her boy-toy!
In this age of BASE jumping, and other extreme sports no further justification is needed for having sex with ferocious jungle cats. It’s an end worth doing for it’s own sake. But, if you’re still not convinced, than what worthier goal than being Nastassja Kinski’s boy-toy do you need to inspire you?
So resolved, I went to work, and I now offer you the definitive guide to having sex with the most sultry of all the large predators, the black leopard.
The biggest problem confronting one resolved to have sex with a black leopard is finding one. Naturally, one is prepared to visit the local zoo, or consider a trip to Africa or South Asia in order to accomplish this feat. I hate to discourage somebody with this kind of resolve, but the fact is that there is no such thing as a Black Leopard.
I have to admit that when I learned this, I was somewhat daunted. Fortunately it turned out not to be as bad, or as irresolvable a problem as it seems at first glance. The black leopard is really just your plain old spotted yellow and black leopard. The only difference is a couple of recessive genes that bring out an abundance of melanin in the fur and make the leopard seem black. Black leopard’s are born in the same litters as their spotted brethren. If you look closely (and you’re going to have to if you plan on having sex,) you can see the spots on a black leopard.
So, if you have problems finding a black leopard, don’t despair. Just give a spotted leopard a dye job. There’s no real difference since they’re the same species. It’s just a question of aesthetics. Generally speaking, Leopard’s are attractive and appealing animals. They are beautiful and efficient examples of nature’s wonder and diversity. It’s easy to see why you’d want to boink one.
Before you jump in, there’s a few things you need to know about leopards before you just go running off to seduce one. Leopards are arguably the strongest predators, pound for pound, on the planet. They’ve been observed under controlled conditions to jump straight up in excess of thirty feet. They are known to single handedly kill prey animals in excess of 1,200 pounds and drag them way up into trees to snack on later. On top of immense strength, they are exceedingly fast and well-armed, capable of achieving speeds of forty-five miles per hour and possessing powerful jaws with huge fangs, and retractable claws of such length and sharpness that they’re better off classified as daggers than anything else.
For these and other reasons, seducing black leopards is a sport that can only be practiced by male heterosexuals. One can only hope to survive the experience with a submissive female. Being mounted by a male jungle cat is pretty much guaranteed to be anyone’s last experience. Male leopards like to hold onto their mates with their claws, and a little playful chewing at the back of the neck is a part of every male jungle cat’s romantic repertoire. I hate to discourage anybody from their dream, but if there are any woman or homosexual men who are longing for intercourse with a male black leopard, you’ll need to consider another activity unless you don’t mind having your head chewed off.
So, assuming you’re a healthy and strong male heterosexual and you’ve settled on the leopardess of your dreams, what next? First you’re going to need to get to know your leopard and become friends. Remember. Panther babes are just like human women. You’ll need to earn their trust before you can take advantage of them.
The female leopard is a solitary creature, only preferring male contact for two or three days every three weeks when it comes into heat. It will want to have sex each of these days, and again, just like with human women, you’re just going to have to hang around until she’s good and ready.
Bring your leopardess gifts of raw meat, fresh kills and such and learn to be sensitive to her moods. As she approaches estrus she’ll be more likely to tolerate your presence, and will tend to slash at you or seek to bite one of your limbs off with less and less frequency. Eventually, you may be safely scratch her under the chin without losing a hand, and you may notice that when she does slash at you she tends to do so with claws semi, or even completely retracted. You’ll recognize this behavior by the reduced depth of the wounds.
All this can be seen as sign that you’re getting somewhere. Your pantherette is likely about to go into heat, and assuming that you’ve survived and are still intact, you’ll need to be ready to attend your ladies forthcoming needs. Time to make some preparations.
You’re going to need a full body wet-diving scuba suit, a pair of cowboys riding chaps, some duct tape, leather gloves, ten nails, scissors, and, a condom (always practice safe sex.) It might also be a good idea to make some deposits at the local blood bank, and put the staff at the local emergency room on notice. Don’t tell them exactly what you’re planning beforehand though. It’s doubtful they’ll understand.
First, put on the wetsuit. Make a small mark with a pen in the crotch area that corresponds with the location of your penis. Take off the suit and cut a small circle in that location corresponding to the circumference of your erect member. Take your time and do it right.
Put on one of the gloves and using duct tape, tape a nail firmly to each of the fingers of the glove. Leopardess’s like their sex rough, and they’ll be expecting some claw action. You need to be a considerate lover and attend to your lady-friends needs. Besides, if you don’t she’s likely to be unimpressed with you, consider you poor breeding material, and just kill you on the spot.
Repeat with the other glove.
Keep all your equipment nearby. When your leopardess is ready for you, she’ll let you know by “presenting.” That is, she’ll hunker down, raise her tail, lift her hindquarters in the air and stretch her front legs in front of you. She’s likely to do this several times, so it’s best to wait and be sure, than jump in and have an unfortunate misunderstanding.
At this point something needs to be said about timing. Less is more as far as a black panther is concerned. She’s not going to be expecting a protracted experience, and she’s unlikely to tolerate one. As far as she’s concerned, thirty seconds would be considered a very long bout of sex (in this respect most biologists agree that Leopard females are much more reasonable than their human counterparts.) Because of this, it’s best to prime the pump, so to speak, before you attend to your pantherette, or engage the services of a “fluffer.”
Another thing to be aware of is that your Leopardess is going to be more than satisfied with four inches or so of male member, and you’d be ill-advised to give her any more than that.
So, once you and your feline lover are both ready, don your wetsuit, chaps and nailed gloves, pull your member through the wetsuit and put the condom on (take the gloves off for this,) and enter the cage.
When you lady presents, approach her from behind and firmly grasp her neck with your clawed hands. Don’t be afraid to be rough. Panther babes like tit rough. She will try half-heartedly to escape, bite you, or disembowel you at this time. Don’t be discouraged. She’s really just testing your fitness as a mate. You’ll need to live up to her expectations and hold her in place if you’re to win her heart.
At this point you’ll appreciate the skinsuit and leather chaps. They’ll protect your legs from being mauled too severely by her claws and teeth, and if your lover does eviscerate you in her ardor with a playful swipe of her claw, the constrictive pressure of the wetsuit will help keep your intestines from spilling out all over the place. It will also help cut down on arterial bleeding, and stop the muscle and flesh she’s lovingly flensed off your bones from falling off.
Do the deed and retreat quickly as your mate is unlikely to be interested in pillow talk, and after sex she’ll simply want you go to away (yet another benefit of panther sex.)
Your pantherette won’t be expecting you to call her, or send her presents or assist in raising the young (not that there could be any, what with the condom and all,) so don’t worry on any of those counts. She will be expecting sex for the next couple of days though. Unfortunately, you’re going to have to disappoint her, as you’ll most likely need some time to recover if you’ve survived the experience. Hopefully you’ve set the speed dial on 911 before you entered the cage. Call now.
Good luck, and always use a condom!