by DAVEW0071
And it came to pass that the time of the Weekend was upon the house. And the Man did desire to sit his duff down on the sofa and watch a ball game thereon. And he did take up the remote and park his carcass down. Yea, even with a beer did he park his carcass.
Yet, though she saw not the Man with his beer and remote, the Woman (who was his Wife) did say unto him, “Verily, hast thou fixed the shelves in the laundry room? For lo, I have commanded thee forty days and forty nights and yet they are fixed not.”
The Man grumbled at this, but he kept his voice low, lest the Woman hear him and call to remembrance his promise to fix the shelves. And the Woman heard him not.
The Man took up his tools and journeyed to the laundry room to see the shelves which the Woman spoke of. And the tools he took were a tape measure of which the measure was 25 feet, a hammer with a handle made of ashwood, a level of which the bubble was true, and assorted nails, which were kept in baby food jars in the garage.
And the Man measured the shelves and made them level. And the Man did strike his own thumb with the hammer, and great was the Man’s pain.
He wept.
After he had fixed the shelves according to the Woman’s desires, the Man returned to the sofa and saw the head of his beer was flat. A great groan did then escape the Man’s throat, for warm beer is an abomination. And the ball game was in the second inning.
And the Man determined to watch the rest of the game in peace. But the voice of his Wife did come to him from on high. And this is what the Wife said:
“Behold, a great collection of trash must be made throughout the entire house, even unto the kitchen, where the garbage stinketh. Collect from each room of the house the contents of the trash cans and set them out at the curb, for lo, the garbage truck cometh on Monday.”
When he had heard this, the Man determined to ignore the Wife, but her voice returneth to him as he sat watching.
“Hast thou done as I have asked?” saith the Wife. And the Man knew in his heart that he would receive no respite until the trash was collected according to the Woman. So the Man did collect the trash, even from the kitchen, and set it outside at the curb. And the count was three-and-two in the bottom of the fourth.
Now the Man was clever and plotted in his heart how he might watch the ball game. And he pressed upon the Mute button and lapsed catatonic, lest the Woman pass by and see or hear. For he knew she would exact another chore, yea, even with men in scoring position.
But the Woman passed not, and the Man watched until they that sit did stretch in the seventh inning. But lo, the home team did rally, and, lacking two runs, had filled the bases with two out. And it came to pass that when the clean-up hitter came to bat, the Woman (who was his Wife) did then require the Man to do housework.
When he heard this, the Man burned with anger, for it was not as though the President would soon arrive or anything. But when he saw that they did go to the bullpen, he girded his loins and ran to deliver the vacuum cleaner.
And he returned to see the first pitch, and lo, it was low. And the voice of the Woman came to him from up the stairs and she asked, “Art thou vacuuming, honey?”
“Yea, verily, I vacuum,” saith the Man, and he did crane his neck to watch as he pluggeth the vacuum in. And the count did even out at 1 – 1.
“I heareth not the vacuum,” saith the Woman.
The Man swore an oath and answered her saying, “It is under control. Let not your heart be troubled.” And the count went to one ball and two strikes.
Now the Man knew the Woman was upstairs, and he said in his heart, If she but heareth the vacuum running, she will bother me not nor will she nag. And he vacuumed the same stretch of carpet over and over until the count did get worked to 3 – 2.
The payoff pitch came to pass, and lo, the batter did swing. And great and mighty was the swing of the batter. But the Man saw it not, for he had overloaded the circuit, which caused a great darkness to befall the television. And in his affliction, he heard that same voice, which was the voice of the Woman.
“Art thou finished vacuuming? Thou mayest help me fold laundry, then.”