Teemings

Off Cecil's Radar

by CK DexterHaven

One of my duties for THE STRAIGHT DOPE is helping to sort through Cecil's Mail. Cecil now gets around 300 emails a week, and he doesn't have the time or inclination to read through them all. Li'l Ed declares that he has a life, and doesn't want to tackle that either. So, Moe pointed to Larry and Larry pointed to Curly, and when Curly (that's me) turned around, there was no one else to point to.

So my job is doing the initial screening -- which letters should Cecil consider and which should he not. Some are easy to eliminate, of course -- solicitations, spam, questions that have already been answered, questions that should have been learned in second grade, people who found our site by searching the internet on the word "dope"....

Then there are the questions from people who have no clue. Some of these, of course, are pathetic and sad. Others may be intentionally designed for amusement. The stupidity or wit of the Teeming Millions is not to be underestimated. So, I've saved up a collection of letters to Cecil that I thought I might share with Teemings. I guess the underlying principle is that my reaction is either to break out in fits of laughter or to have a perplexed "huh?"

I am in a current discussion about Americas fight for freedom in the Revolutionary War and how noone came to our aid like we have so many other countries at a time in our history when we were barely a nation. I heard that the Roman Empire was the superpower at the time. Then I was contradicted and I dont know for sure. Can you tell me? And who else was a superpower at the time? If this is off your radar, I understand. Thanks for the info.

James

Dear Cecil,

What color does a Smurf go if you choke it?

from Drew and Elyse

My name is Myra and I'm 15 years of age and turning 16 on Nonember 13th. I have only 1 Question for you... 1-I have sex with my boyfriend every week,he wants me to give him head,if I swallow,can I get pregnant?

From: Brandy

Dear Cecil,

Why do socks leave on some people's legs?

From: Peter

I found out my ex roommate put cat litter in the oil of my car 3 days ago! What can be done besides calling the police?

Dear Cecil,

While we were discussing necrophilia at work one day this question came up; If while you are in the middle of sex with someone they die, does that make you a necrophiliac? My position was "only if you knew they died and went ahead and finished." Others said "as soon as the other person died you became a necrophiliac." Don't you think its not just the act but the desire for the act?

Thanks, love your column,

Shelworth

dear cecil,

i can't believe that we still use those annoying ketchup packets at fast food windows. can you come up with an alternative?

thanks

c.o.d - milwaukee

From: Mark

If everyone slept one extra hour a day (consequently not consuming resources, creating waste, procreating and just generally feeling less cranky) wouldn't that go a long way to solving many of the world's most serious problems?

From: Walter

Hi Cecil.

This is my question, Why do alien aircrafts with their sofisticated and superior technology need their lights on at night? i would like to know.

Sometimes, a question comes in where there's more implied than asked, or that seems to tell its own backgroud story:

Can a parent enlist a teenager into the military without the teenagers consent?

Thanks

Rob

From: Don

I've always pondered this question since as far back as I can remember and was hoping you could shed some light on it. If your parents never met....would you be somebody else?

From: D Guarna

what would happen if a giant alien came up and ate the sun, would it die? what would happen to up. Would it eat us too or would it be too full from the sun. Is there any nurtional value in the contens of the sun or anyn of the planets of the matter.

From: Danny

if i got sucked into a black hole wot would happen to me? i need to know so please reply as i might just try it.

Note from Dex: Cecil has answered the "what would happen if..." part. It's the "I might just try it" that got me.

Hello, Let me blunt. I was wondering if you know of how I could "accidently" wreck the motor in my pickup? 97 Ford F150 4x4 w/4.6lt motor. The truck is still under WARRANTY, but not for much longer. So is there a way of doing something to the motor that wont look to obvious to the mechanics? Thanks in advance.

howcome snot and earwax don't taste the same? they come from the same glands, right? snot is neutral while earwax is actively bitter, or at least mine is. (at these prices, if you think i'm tasting anyone else's earwax except while attempting other things...you are unclear on the concept.) but i am sure there must be an answer out there, that not only makes sense but is true, and i'm counting on you, unca cece. peter

Cecil, I want to start an Urban Legend. What do I have to do?

TT in North Carolina

OK so what's up with the Eiffel tower I mean what is it actually?

Cecil I am doing a presentation for my college chem class on any gas. I was wondering if you had any unique gases, or ones that would be very informative. Any suggestions would be helpful.

Thank You, Amanda

I was just wondering if there is any correct way to masturbate and what is the deal with hair growing on your hands or something like that?

Then these's the category of writers who assume that Cecil knows everything and so would know...

is my husband cheating on me????? he has been staying out all night and out late and says that he is at his friends house partying..... if u can answer all ? answer this 4 me please...... thank u

If you throw a used condom out the window of a car and it lands on the "area" of another animal can the sperm swim up into the animal and impregnate it?

When will I have sex?

Jessica .J.

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