Nocturnal Cat Attack

by Dave Phelps

Piecing back together the events that woke me so violently, I can remember now what happened: The night was warm and I had fallen asleep on my back under just one thin sheet and later experienced that um, thing that all healthy men do when they slumber. One of my cats, the heavy one, must have sensed a stirring under the sheet so he did what came natural. He stalked and pounced on what seemed to him to be a particularly large and enticing mouse.

Now, I have three cats who normally join me in bed after I've fallen asleep. They curl up on either side of me and occasionally on top and during the winter, the mutual warmth is welcome. During the summer, we give each other a little more space but in either season, I've grown accustomed to them and we've all learned to move slowly in bed. I woke tonight to the sudden pain of a cat launching himself from my chest to what I immediately discovered was my own nether regions. Upon arriving at his destination and before my sleep paralyzed muscles could react, he set to with all of his teeth and most of his front claws.

The thing about reflexes is they work when your brain doesn't and usually help you to avoid more damage. Operant word usually. In events like this, one action causes another in a cascade effect, sort of like one of those Rube Goldberg inventions where raising a small lever causes a long sequence of weights, pulleys and levers to eventually make a light come on. In this case, the involuntary reaction to the attack on my privates was a loud yell and attempt to curl into a fetal position. Unfortunately, the two cats who were innocent of this devious attack were sleeping peacefully around my legs while the guilty one suddenly found himself trapped.

Cat reactions are pretty good, especially when they're in hunter/killer mode like when they're stalking prey. They also have four wheel drive that they can engage instantly. They don't have to come to a complete stop to lock their claws the way a heavy utility vehicle does its tires when it encounters soft going. With his exquisite muscle control, a cat can gently leap from one place to another and alight daintily with a barely detectable landing. But when he needs to, he can also launch himself with the subtlety of a Saturn 5 rocket and land with all the grace of a falling piano.

Very pragmatic creatures, cats. What matters to them is what works; elegance comes later so all three escaped unhurt, of course. They can see in the dark after all and had obviously already planned their escape routes before they settled down for the night. I wasn't so lucky; the scars will fade after a while but my reputation at the local medical clinic is permanently damaged.