by Silent Rob
About life, death, and everything in between...as told by bottles of beer.
“...my kids sing it...not...the worst!” -The Bugle
“Whatever you do...see it!” -The Times
“As relentless as the song!” -The Post
“Timeless...a masterpiece!” -Beer Drinker’s Annual
An excerpt from the musical.
Cast
100 ACTORS and ACTRESSES, each dressed in brown shirts (T-shirts and sweatshirts, to add variety) and brown pants or dresses. The shirts should have a label of some kind (NOTE: many possibilities for corporate funding inherent in this).
Stage Set-up
A dark, cloudy backdrop dominates the stage. All of the clouds funnel into a hole at the bottom, center of the backdrop. This is referred to throughout the musical as “The Drinker”. The stage must be very large to hold all 100 CAST members at the beginning and nearly as many at several points in the musical.
Act I Scene 1
As the house lights slowly lower, the sound of thunder is heard in the background. It slowly builds, as the cloudy backdrop is lit more and more. While this is happening, different CAST members slowly come onstage. There is fear and trepidation in the air as the storm is simulated. Other CAST members slowly come down the aisles of the theater, filling the audience with anxiety...and thirst. Everyone finally comes out, most on the stage, but some still left in the aisles. Finally, the storm starts to subside, and as it does the music comes up.
“Take One Down (Pass It Around)”
EVERYONE. (slowly, quietly, and eerily chanting) Take one down, pass it around...take one down, pass it around...take one down, pass it around...etc.
The chanting continues as those of the CAST still in the aisles gather around the stage, and those on stage mingle around, frightened. A giant burp shakes the theater and all of the CAST drops. There is silence. BOTTLE 100 is in the center, and is a rather bitter, hardened individual. As BOTTLE 100 sings, the rest of the cast timidly rise, their attention drawn to him.
BOTTLE 100. (slowly rising from the ground, trying to strike fear in the hearts of the other BOTTLES) The Drinker...is here. So you better...beware. He’s coming...for you. He’ll drink you...in two...
EVERYONE. (shouting) Shakes!...
BOTTLE 100. He won’t be happy until he gets every single ooooooooooone...he finds it fun!
BOTTLE 1. (stepping out from the BOTTLES; truly an innocent) But what would he want with me? I was just born in the factory. I haven’t even learned to liiiiiiiive...
BOTTLE 24. (answering) To liiiiiiiive...
BOTTLE 1. To loooooove...
BOTTLE 62. To loooooove...
BOTTLE 1. Like a newborn baby dooooooove!
BOTTLE 100. The Drinker will get you, too...by the time he is through!
BOTTLE 85. (he steps out, holding the hands of BOTTLE 86, from the rest) Looooooooove...is what I have found...I don’t want to give it up...a bottle cap is round.
BOTTLE 86. (she looks into his eyes as she sings) But we still can have hooooooooope...you are all I desiiiiiiire...this love I feel for yoooooooooou...is like the brew’ry’s fiiiiiiiire.
BOTTLE 85 and 86 TOGETHER. We’ll...still...have...looooooooooove.
BOTTLE 100. Your love is strong, and so is your convic-tion. I’m not testing your hearts...or even your great dic-tion. But!...The Drinker will get you, too...by the time he is through.
BOTTLE 50. (jumping up onstage from in front of the audience) Oh yeah? Well, I say we get The Drinker before he gets us! Who’s with me??
EVERYONE. (except BOTTLE 100)Yeah!
BOTTLE 50. We’ll put a stop to him!
EVERYONE. (except BOTTLE 100; louder than before) Yeah!
BOTTLE 50. He’ll be finished!
EVERYONE. (except BOTTLE 100; even louder still) Yeah!
BOTTLE 100. Waaaaaaait! Stoooooop! You are all acting like fooooools! I am not just being cruuuuuuel! The Drinker will get you, too...by the time he is...(falling to his knees in pain; utters last line in a whisper)...through...
The thunderstorm builds again and all of the BOTTLES race to the sides, except BOTTLE 100 who still kneels in the middle. As the storm builds he seems to be sucked towards the hole in the backdrop.
BOTTLE 100. (falling into the hole and out of sight) AUGHHHHH!!!
A gigantic burp sounds, finally silencing the storm. Cast members slowly come out from both sides of the stage. They seem to be in a daze of mourning for their lost compadre.
EVERYONE. (chanting slowly) 99 bottles of beer...on...the...waaaaaall...
Everyone except BOTTLE 99, BOTTLE 98, and BOTTLE 97 again exits the stage, in preparation for SCENE 2.