by Silent Rob

Hello, my name is Rob, and I am a professional procrastinator. By this I mean that I procrastinate at anything I do in my profession. Though nowadays procrastination is made out to be a four-letter word, along with lazy, work, and Made-In America, do not believe all of the hype. Procrastination can be a very joyous, Zen-like experience.

First off, I think I need to outline exactly what procrastinating is. In a time of misinformation, by way of the Internet, the term is quite often misused. Procrastinating, in its truest art form, is more than just putting assignments, or other work details, off until a later time. Procrastinating, (which only I and several Procrastination Monks practice), is putting work off until the last…possible…minute! Do not take this phrase lightly either; when I say the “last possible minute” I mean the ABSOLUTE LAST POSSIBLE MINUTE! This does not mean putting an assignment off until a week before it is due. This means putting an assignment off until the night it is due! Do not even start it until then. The size of the project makes no difference at all. Allow me to illustrate using an example.

When I was in grade 6, I had quite a large project assigned to me. For our assignment, we had to select a country and write a large report on it. Included in this report was to be maps, flags, articles on cuisine, customs, and everything else that could be included in a report about a country. Needless to say, the project was rather large. For my country I chose Greece, place of beauty, myth, and souvlakia. I was actually quite enthused about this project. I had always been a fan of Greek mythology. That’s why I fought so diligently to get Greece (only one student could do each country). So I borrowed books from the library, made photocopies, etc.…on the first day the assignment was given.

Jumping ahead in this lovely fairy tale to the night before it was due; I had done no more work. As I recall, I had not even cracked open a resource. The night before it was due, and well into the morning, I worked as I never had worked before. My parents, ready to strangle me as they did so, also worked very hard. Their work consisted mostly of getting me working, destroying their voice boxes yelling at me. However, the work did get done, and I received a very good mark on the assignment.

Now, upon hearing this story, you might be turned off procrastination all together. Well fear not, my friends — I am here to help. Remember, I am a professional, and under no circumstances should you attempt the feat I have just described. You have to work up to something so momentous. Such a dangerous, procrastinating stunt should be attempted only after years of practice. Why, you might ask, should you even want to work up to such a tour de force?

Simply put, in the example I just gave it is plain to see that the positives of the experience greatly outweighed the negatives. By putting the assignment off until the last possible minute, I had more time for more important things. Examples include television, sleep, eating, and Nintendo. If I had not procrastinated, today I would be uninformed, over-fatigued, suffering from malnutrition, and poorly coordinated. Also, it gave me an opportunity to spend more time with my parents. I believe this was what is now known as quality time. Even though my parents were mad at me then, they could not stay mad forever. Everyone knows that parents' love for their child is unconditional, even though that night I was greatly doubting that truism. I knew that my parents would forgive me; I do, after all, decide whether or not they go into a nursing home.

Procrastination has actually brought me closer to my parents. After the Greek project, which is now only referred to as the incident, in my home, my mother said, “Never again!” Now, she recalls saying that every time I procrastinate. Not only has procrastination helped me, it has also provided my loved ones and me with cherished memories that can last a lifetime. People are already slaves to the clock, with punctuality being some sort of arcane religion. We simply cannot do the same with the calendar.

Now, as the sun rises on my computer, I bid you good procrastinating. I, for one, have found the joy that is procrastination, and so can you. Remember, through procrastination you can grow up to be something grand. Look at me; I used to read trash that was written up at the last minute, and now I write it!