a radio play by Racinchikki
Narrator: Submitted for your amusement: the sleepy little village of Little Sleepyville. A village full of ordinary people. People like Doris Schaefer, a housewife who is about to find something beyond her wildest expectations...
[sound: water running, clinks of dishes being washed]
Doris: [irritated] Work, work, work! All day long it's work, work, work! Do the laundry! Clean the house! Sweep the floors! Scrub the grout! Feed the children! Wash the dishes! Work, work, work! Every time I turn around there's another chore to be done! Vacuum the carpets! Mop the tile! Polish the furniture! Clean the upholstery! Walk the dog! Take over the world! Work, work, work! It just about drives me crazy! What I wouldn't GIVE to have just ten minutes to myself!
[sound: explosion]
Doris: [surprised] Oh my! It's Satan!
[sound: breaking glass]
Satan: [deep evil voice] How much WOULD you give to have ten minutes to yourself, Doris? Would you give.... YOUR SOUL????
Doris: [irritated] Satan! You made me drop my plate! Just look at what you've done! Work, work, work! It's all I ever do! Now I have to pick up the pieces of this plate, clean out the sink, find another plate to replace that one, and that pattern has been discontinued so you can just imagine how hard that'll be - I'll have to walk to the ends of the earth to find a replacement for it, and the Internet hasn't even been invented yet so I'll get no help there! Then I'll have to disinfect the floor and scrub the tile to get the fire-and-brimstone marks out of it, though I'm sure the smell of sulfur will never completely fade, and what about those cloven hoofprints you're leaving all over my nice clean house? Don't you take a step! You'll just make it worse! Work, work, work!
Satan: [confused; voice no longer deep or evil] But, Doris, I'm Satan. You know, Supremely Evil Ruler Of Hell and All That Is Vile and Nasty? Beelzebub? Old Scratch? Lucifer? Old Nick? The Antichrist? The Beast That Isn't Milwaukee's Best? The Devil? El Diablo? SATAN? You're supposed to be terrified! You're supposed to grovel at my feet! You're supposed to sell me your soul!!!
Doris: [irritated] Satan, Schmatan. You're messing up my tile floors. Can't you hover or something? Just look at those hoofmarks! Did you really have to brand "666" into my woodwork? How am I ever supposed to get the wash done when there's a Lord of the Underworld in my kitchen? Work, work, work!
Satan: [attempting to reassert himself; again with the deep evil voice] Doris - [voice cracks. reattempt, again with the deep evil voice] Doris. I can make all your work disappear and leave you free to do as you wish with your time! I can make all your household tasks finish themselves - forever! I can do all this and more, for the low, low price of - YOUR SOUL!
Doris: [irritated] I don't care WHAT you can do, I care about what I CAN'T do because you're in my way! Do your oh-so-wonderful Satanic powers extend to getting out of my house so I can finish my chores? Work, work, work! It's all I ever do! I have more than enough problems without having to deal with archetypal personifications of the forces of evil dropping in unannounced in the middle of my housework! Why don't you go bother Bonnie Holmes up the street? She has nothing better to do than hang out in trucker bars anyway.
Satan: [normal voice] But, Doris!
Doris: [irritated] Get out! Get out, I say! I'm busy!
Satan: [evil voice] Doris! I am SATAN! Evil deities are not shooed out of houses by women wielding dustmops!
Doris: [irritated] It's a dishrag! Isn't it just like a devil not to know the difference between a dishrag and a dustmop!
Satan: [normal voice] Whatever! [evil voice] I will not be shooed out of a house by a woman wielding a dishrag!
Doris: [suddenly cheerful] Oh, all right then, Satan! Here you go! Take this dishrag and get to work! If you're going to interrupt my chores, you're going to help me finish them! And none of that Evil-Satanic-Power stuff, it'll ruin my dishes. Good old honest soap will do you some good. Go on, get over to the sink so I can start cleaning the floor!
Satan: [normal voice] Oh, this is ridiculous. [evil voice] Doris Schaefer, you have won - THIS TIME. But I'll be back - and next time, I won't be leaving without YOUR SOUL!
[sound: explosion]
Doris: [irritated] Oh, isn't it just like a devil to disappear as soon as you want him to actually do something! And he put more of that fire-and-brimstone stuff all over my floor. Now I have TWICE as much scrubbing to do. Work, work, work!
Narrator: And so the sleepy little village of Little Sleepyville is saved from the onslaught of Satan by an unsuspecting housewife named Doris Schaefer! Only in.... The A Little Bit Before Twilight While The Sun Is Still Out But The Shadows Are Kinda Creepy Anyway Zone!!!!