by Mullinator
I could really use a name change.
Some would say Chris is a fine name. Lots of great people have had the name. It’s a name that makes you smile. It’s a name that’s easy to use. After all, this is a fast-paced world, and people surely appreciate only having to spend time on my one-syllable name rather than on a tongue-twister like Millard or Samuel. So why am I looking for a name change? Chris is a name that has become a bastion of commonality. Every year, those little lists come out that highlight the most popular names for newborns — and Chris is always near the top. Not only is it a popular boy’s name, but when you take into account female derivations like Christine, Christy, and Kristin, you’ve got yourself a whole mess of Chrises running around the neighborhood.
I am not advocating that those of us named Chris should all run down to the local judge and fill out a change-of-name form. After all, the sudden glut of people being named Steve, Mitch, or Jake would be too much for those underrepresented names to bear. I also think we should declare a moratorium on people changing their name to Chris. Anyone currently alive without the name of Chris should continue through life in a grim, stone-faced march towards death with the name inflicted upon them at birth.
I believe that true change should occur at the grassroots level. And by “grassroots level,” I mean birth. I propose that from this day forward, any family wishing to name a baby Chris (or any of the 1000 derivations) would than have to qualify the name Chris with something else — for instance, “Chris with the Fuzzy Head and Squooshed Nose” or “Pink Chris that Smells Like Talcum Powder.” Families would get the best of both worlds: the baby would still have the honor and luck to have the name Chris bestowed upon it, while the family has their very own customizable child name that is sure to be unlike any other.
The name would also likely change as the Chris in question ages. In my case, the following names could have been used.
Birth : Slightly yellow Chris
Age 1-2 : Beachball-shaped Chris
Age 2-5 : Dinosaur-fascination Chris
Age 6-10 : Big fan of Spaghettios Chris
Age 11-14 : Gawky Chris who grows too darned quickly
Age 15-18 : Tall Chris, you know, the one on the basketball team
Age 19-22 : NCAA Chris
Age 22-24 : Newly Married Chris
Age 25 : Daisy’s owner Chris
See, it’s just that simple. With a few well-placed words I went from being a potential run-of-the-mill Chris to a Chris that commands respect and honor (with the notable exception of that tricky 11-14 period.) So, I urge all of the expectant parents out there to do their child a service by naming it Chris and then do it the greater service of singling your embryonic Chris out as a very special Chris.