by Silent Rob
This is an advice column for those that silent_rob thinks are in desperate need of help. He is not a doctor of anything, just a concerned citizen doing his part.
Dear Rob,
I recently tripped over a wire that had been strung across the bottom of my
front entrance. I ask: why would someone do such a thing? You are both stupid
and childish! What’s your problem, anyway?
Noisy Rotten Stinky Neighbor
Dear Noisy Rotten,
Sounds to me like someone needs a little more “me-time.” Why not try pampering
yourself for a change? I suggest a swift kick to the face, but do it
on your own time. As to why someone would do such a thing…well, life’s full
of cosmic mysteries, isn’t it? Like, why would someone spill a cup of coffee
on someone else’s driveway and not clean it up? Especially in the winter, when
someone might slip??? Again, mysteries for the ages. Oh, by the way;
now we’re even!
Dear Deadbeat,
Do you feel that some people are above everyone else, sir? That they do not
have to pay their bills? Well, I’m writing to inform you that despite what you
may think…
[edited for turning into mindless drivel]
Mr. Moneybags
Dear MB,
Do you feel compelled to hoard all of your wealth in jam jars in your basement?
I think you have a serious problem I like to call Big Business Not Minding
Its Own Business. Generally, people suffering from it tend to send out
bills and audits in a vain attempt to mask their own insecurities.
The cure: Stop pestering innocent people! It’s really that simple. You will
find yourself much happier, alone in the filth that is your vile existence.
Maybe even happier than when you are closing orphanages and kicking helpless
widows out of their houses. Perhaps you would have more time to wax your long
sneering mustachios and shine your black hat…to match your black heart! And
when someone says “the money’s on its way,” believe them, SCROOGE!!!
Dear Sir,
I am not sure how you obtained this address, but I insist that you cease and
desist your attempts to contact me immediately. This is my private residence.
If you would like an autographed photo, I suggest you send a request to my fan
club.
Mr. La-dee-da Moviestar
Dear La-dee,
I think I have spotted your problem right away. You seem to be under the delusion
that now that you are a big, fat, Hollywood star, you do not need your fans.
Well, I’ve got news for you, Mr. Hollywood. The money we the people shelled
out for your pieces of cinematic garbage is what got you where you are today.
That’s right, if it were not for the public, you’d be in Nowheresville, Population:
you!
Also, I’ve got a couple of questions for you that I think will help you out.
What was up with that army movie? Huh? Not funny at all. Also, how about that
movie where you go on the jury? Again, I saw little humor in that. And the one
with the guy buried in ice? Looks like it was actually the comedy that was buried
in that stinker!
If you have not figured it out, I believe you are suffering from over-confidence.
I’m trying to help you out, here, you over-bloated jerk! To think I used to
consider you Oscar material.
Dear Resident,
Are people always telling you you’re going nowhere? That you’re doing nothing
with your life? Well, now you can prove them wrong!
[rest of package contained various detergent samples and coupons]
Here To Serve You, Today!
Dear Here To Serve,
Finally, a heartwarming response. I’m glad to hear that your life is going so
well that you are able to give so much to so many others. Your positive outlook
on life is truly an inspiration to us all. May I also say that the new detergent
does not give me hives! Again, thank you for your encouragement to the rest
of us.