by aha
I called the doctor's office after injuring my back. The phone rang at his office and a lilting receptionist’s voice picked up and confirmed that I could come to his office right away. Even though it was around 4:30 in the afternoon there was, strangely enough, very little to no traffic in route, so I arrived at the doctor's office in no time.
Upon entering the doctor's office the very pleasant looking receptionist asked me to take a seat. I sat down in one of the overstuffed leather chairs in the waiting room and relaxed. Only a brief moment went by before a beautiful blonde nurse stepped through the door and motioned at me. I looked at her and pointed my thumb at my chest. Me? I mouthed. She nodded her head in confirmation, her lips shaped in a comely smile. I followed her gorgeous behind into the very spacious examining room, which included a huge glass window that looked out over a green garden. My doctor was already sitting there waiting for me. He smiled and said, "Please have a seat, Mr. Aha, and tell me what is wrong with you today." I told him my problem with a pitiful look on my face and he said, "I will have you fixed up in no time," and with that he began writing on a prescription pad. As he wrote he spoke, "Now, Mr. Aha, these pills are narcotic in nature and will not only kill the pain but may make you feel euphoric for about 4 to 5 hours at a time. And they may be slightly addicting, but don't worry, I will put PRN on the prescription, meaning you can refill when needed for as many times as you need to for life," to which I replied with a huge grin, "Thanks, doc." We shook hands and I left his office, my head swimming with relief.
As I went up to the receptionist to pay she looked at me with a sweet grin and a twinkle in her eye and said, "No charge today ,Mr. aha! We'll just file it on your insurance and let them worry about it." I thanked her and left the office feeling wonderful. As I did, a beautiful brunette pulled up next to my new Nissan truck. She got out of her car, walked over to my window and said, “Nice truck! Here’s my number. Call me sometime and take me for a ride.”
Well…maybe that’s not exactly how it went.
Here is what really happened.
After wrenching my back on the riding mower, I called the doctor's office. I told the receptionist I needed to see the doctor.
"Sorry, he's not seeing any more patients today, Mr. Aha," she said. To which I replied through clenched teeth, "I am in mortal pain here... I need to see a doctor, dammit!"
She replied impatiently, "Well come on then, maybe we can work you in." I drove to the office in heavy traffic cursing my pain and all of humanity the entire way. When I got into the reception room an obviously harried lady behind the desk motioned me over to a row of hardback chairs with a crooked finger. There, 15 other people sat in various stages of their diseases. One old man in particular coughed on me as I reached for a germ-infested, out-of-date magazine. The little 5 year old girl, whose mom was too sick to make her mind, played around my feet, her angelic face shining through the snot running down her upper lip. No amount of grimacing would make her go away. I pasted a frown on my face and sat back for the never-ending wait.
Two hours passed, by then all of the patients but myself had gone home, I had read all the Ladies Home Journals and the little girl had successfully wiped her nose on my pant legs. I was in pain and beginning to feel desperate.
Finally I was motioned into the outer waiting room (as if one waiting room isn’t enough) and then into a cubical that couldn't have been more than 6 ft by 6 ft. There I sat listening to the sounds outside in anticipation of finally seeing my doctor. After staring at nothing for five minutes I began to play with the blood pressure cuff that hung loosely from the wall to drive off the frustration. Finally I tried contenting myself by contemplating the dark spot on the paper apron that covered the exam table and wondering how many other people’s germs occupied it. Just then my doctor entered the room. It gave me a lottery-winning feeling to just see him. I was mildly surprised at his appearance, though. The man looked completely worn out. In fact he looked worse than I felt. But he was all business.
"What have you done now?" he asked in a brusque voice looking over his spectacles. I told him my problem in a whiney manner reserved for times of true need, looking up at him like Checkers the dog. He seemed to be somewhere else though. So I added for emphasis, ”I am in severe pain sir, doctor sir. Please can you make it stop?” I was now clearly groveling.
"Welllll he clucked, these things happen you know. After 50 anything can happen.”
I nodded eagerly in agreement.
He then began to scribble furiously on a prescription pad. As he did, pictures of brightly colored pain-numbing schedule 3 drugs danced in my head. I was feeling better already.
He pressed the paper into my hand and growled “See me in two weeks.” He then turned to leave the cubicle for sunnier climes. After he had gone I quickly assessed my situation. I had seen my doctor for two full minutes after a three-hour wait. But who cared? I had the solution to my malady in my hand. I looked down at the piece of paper he had given me.
“ADVIL! Advil! And muscle relaxers! You got to be shitting me!” I thought. I need to go to the frigging doctor for ADVIL! I needed drugs! But it was too late.
I left the for the cubicle in a cloud of doom vowing to find a rifle and a tower somewhere on some medical campus and drag my pitiful now L-shaped body to the top to pick off every intern I could see. As I passed by the front desk, the receptionist got my attention.
"That will be 40 dollars co-pay today, Mr. aha." she said with a toothy smile then waggling her pen at me between thumb and middle finger to emphasize her point. I winced, pitched two twenties at her and went out the door. As I got in my truck and started my engine to leave the parking lot, a good-looking brunette pulled up beside me. She smiled, momentarily relieving some of my pain, and pointed towards the front of my truck. “Well hell,” I thought, “this might not be a total loss.” After all I was driving my new silver Nissan Frontier Crew cab truck and I knew it probably attracted the attention of the babes. I rolled the passenger side window down.
“Hi,” I said stupidly.
“Hey there old-timer,” she replied, then added, “Say did you know that you’ve got a flat on your right front tire?”
“Oh, um thanks,” I said, but she had already disappeared into the office building.