by J B Farley
Many years ago, a boy was tending to his herd of goats in a very crowded movie theatre. The shepherd thought it would be funny to scare the other patrons, so he yelled out, "Fire!" All of the other people were frightened, and rushed out of the theatre. Six people died in the melee. Later on, when everyone had gone back into the theatre, the boy again shouted, "Fire!" Desperate to get out, the people stampeded up the aisles and through the only two exits (which was a clear violation of fire codes), and 11 people were trampled and killed. Again, the people filed back in when it became apparent that there was no fire. Soon, the movie started again, and everyone was enthralled by the latest Jerry Bruckheimer masterpiece. All were distracted, except for the young shepherd, who had to tend to a sickly goat. He alone noticed the small fire that broke out in the middle of the theatre. He screamed "Fire!" at the top of his lungs, but no one believed him anymore. He and his goats escaped through a back exit, and all the other patrons were consumed by the flames.
His name is my name too. I wonder if he was tormented as much as I was in middle school. Probably not, goddammit.
A day just like this one, many, many years ago, a man was walking along the beach. Whilst strolling about, he happened upon a can of soda. Inside this can of soda lived a magical elf, who would grant any wish to the person who found him. The man stopped by the aluminum can, and crushed it underfoot, killing the little elf. The elf's broken corpse was later incinerated at the recycling factory.
Rudolph the Islamic fundamentalist,
Had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw it,
You would even say it glows.
All of the other reindeer,
Were faithful muslims but not of the fanatical type.
They wouldn't let poor Rudolph,
Join in any reindeer games.
Then one foggy Christmas eve,
Santa came to say,
"Rudolph with your nose so bright,
Won't you guide my sleigh tonight?"
Then all the reindeer loved him,
And they shouted out with glee,
"Rudolph the Islamic fundamentalist-"
But quickly cut off when they realized that Rudolph was directing the sleigh
directly into American Airlines Flight #973
And Rudolph shouted out "Allah ak-bar!"
And all died,
As was the will of Allah.
Once upon a time, I walked into my kitchen after a particularly exhausting night of drinking. I was rather hungry, as you can well imagine (I like to drink on an empty stomach). The next thing I knew, I was sitting on the floor in front of my refrigerator, the open door spilling its light onto the linoleum floor. I ate an entire pound of swiss cheese in under thirty seconds. I was having the time of my life, until I hazily remembered that I am lactose intolerant. Severely lactose intolerant. Those next few hours were among the worst of my life.
A little girl named Goldilocks wandered through the woods one day, and came upon a cabin. She walked right in, and found three bowls of porridge. She tasted the first one, but it was too hot. She sampled the next, but it was too cold. The third bowl, though, was just right. She decided to sit in a chair. She sat in the first one, but it was too big. The next one did not recline. The third one was too small, and it broke. She said to herself, "My oh my am I sleepy." Wandering into the bedroom, she saw three beds. The first bed was too big. The second bed smelled faintly of cheap gin. The third bed was just her size. She snuggled under the covers, and soon fell fast asleep. But while sleeping, she was devoured by the wolf which was supposed to have appeared in the first story. The bears came across the mess later that night. Baby Bear hasn't slept right since.