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G’day folks, I’m Frodo Irwin. I’m here to tell you about my trip to see Middle Earth’s Most Dangerous Creatures.
The first bit of dangerous wildlife I saw was Old Man Willow. Me and me mates were near to loosing it here with the Shire’s most dangerous tree. No problem though, some local aborigine called Tom came along and got us out of the woods.
Then me and me mates met some Nazgools. Pretty scary buggers they were too. Even though they let you get close, they don’t like being handled. Our aborigine guide, Aragorn, told me to be careful. In fact one bit me, I must have been a bit rough with it. Anyway, the Nazgool poison was sucked out by an old aborigine cousin of Aragorn’s called Elrond. Me and me mates stayed at his place while I got back on me feet. Nice guy, we shared a few tinnies and I got to know another old geezer called Gandalf. He told us that a Balrog lived in a cave nearby. They are near the top of Middle Earth’s Most Dangerous Creatures list and this one wasn’t too far away.
Bonzer! I had to see if I could get close to one of those. Me and me mates got some aborigines together as porters and went off with Gandalf and Aragorn. We found the cave OK, but some sort of snake in a local pool had a go at me. No problem though, the locals got me away. Now you know why I always employ native guides. Anyway, we found the Balrog. It was a big bugger. Even Gandalf was impressed. He said he’d never seen one as big before. It was a bit stroppy, so Gandalf stayed behind to make sure it calmed down while Aragorn guided us out of the cave.
We stayed a for a bit at the Lorien Riverside Hotel and Resort. Best tucker in Middle Earth. Did a bit of tree climbing and fishing and nearly scored with the hotel’s owner. She was a tasty Sheila but a bit tall for me.
Aragorn had arranged a white water canoeing trip so we went off. Not much in the way of Dangerous Creatures but a nice boat trip. No barramundi though, so the barbies weren’t as good as the ones we had back in Queensland.
Me and me best mate Sam decided to split after the canoeing. I hired another local, Gollum, who reckoned he knew where Middle Earth’s biggest spider lived. Double bonzer! The spider must be one of Middle Earth’s Most Dangerous Creatures. So we went of alone, with only the cameraman and producer. I even had to do me own sound checks! We did a bit of swamp crossing and mountain climbing and came to the hole of Shelob. I went straight in and saw the spider. It was as big as Gollum promised. I poked it with a stick to see if it was awake and it bit me. Bit of a mistake there and me mate Sam had to kill it. Shame that. Anyway, I soon got better and with Sam and Gollum, we talked about where to go next. The producer had heard that Middle Earth’s biggest volcano was nearby. Not a creature but worth a decko. Anyway, Gollum knew the way and took us there. Strewth it was big bugger, lots of fire and stuff. I noticed that Gollum had been eyeing my signet ring. Before I could stop him he grabbed it and bugger me if he didn’t bite my finger off! Strewth! I pushed the little runt away and he fell down a crack in the mountain. Never saw him again, don’t want to either. Anyway, me mate Sam put a plaster on me finger’s stump and we went back.
So, here I am, ready to get the next ship out of Middle Earth. Me best mate Sam has decided to stay, he’s got off with one of the locals but the tasty Sheila from the Lorien Hotel and Resort is coming with me. It’s a long boat trip and I bet I can find a ladder…