What if "The Lord of the Rings"had been written as The Real World

The Lord of the Real World – Rivendell

by Waz Up

Week 5 – The Season Finale!

Intro
Arwen: This is the true story…
Boromir: Of eight strangers…
Sam: Chosen to live together…
Frodo: See what happens….
Eowyn: When they stop being polite…
Legolas: And start being real.
Merry and Pippin (in unison): Welcome to the Real World – Rivendell
Merry: See how much better that worked saying it together. Glad I thought of it.
Pippin: You did not. I did.
Merry: No, it was me.
Pippin: Me.
Merry: Me
Pippin: Me me me me me me me me
Merry: Me me me me me me me me
Legolas: That’s it. I’m getting my bow.

[Cut to Pippin in c.r.]: Why is everyone always getting so mad at me? I don’t do anything wrong.
[Cut to front hallway, at nighttime, just after supper. Doorbell rings. Pippin answers. Aragorn is standing there.]
Pippin: Who are you?
Aragorn: I am a friend of Gandalf’s.
Pippin: Really? Then what’s his middle name?
Aragorn: He doesn’t have one.
Pippin: Are you sure?
Aragorn: Yes.
Pippin: Ok, then what’s his favorite color?
Aragorn: Grey.
Pippin: Yeah, well, everyone knows that. What does he call me when I annoy him?
Aragorn: How would I know that?
Pppin: Well, you say you know the man.
Aragorn: I know him. I don’t know you.
Gandalf (from behind): Fool of a Took! Let Aragorn in.
Pippin: Who’s Aragorn?
Aragorn: I am.
Pippin: Really? Prove it.
Gandalf (raising his staff): As a servant of the Secret Flame… (points staff at Pippin) wielder of the fire of Anor…
Pippin (speaking quickly and backing away from door): Ok, you’re him. Come on in. See ya! (runs away down the hall) Merry! He’s doing it again!
[Cut to Merry in c.r.] (laughing): I told Gandalf to do that. Pippin just gets the cutest scared look on his face!
[Cut back to front hallway. A loud thud is suddenly heard from above, followed by a door slamming and a woman yelping. A few seconds later, Eowyn comes running down the stairs.]
Eowyn (smoothing out her hair): Why, Aragorn, how lovely to see you again. I’m afraid Arwen can’t come down right now. She, um, tripped. Yeah, she tripped, on her dress. But she’s fine.
Aragorn: Maybe I better check on her anyway. (Heads for stairs)
Eowyn (stepping in front of him): No, really, she’s fine.
[Arwen appears at top of stairs, her hair messed up.]
Arwen: That b**** pulled my hair! (Comes ownstairs and stands next to Aragorn.)
Eowyn: I did not! (looks at Aragorn) She’s delirious from hardly ever eating. She’s very unhealthy that way, unlike me.
Arwen: Aragorn, are you going to let her get away with that?
Aragorn: Well, I didn’t see what happened.
Arwen: But I’m telling you what happened.
Eowyn: Are you calling me a liar?
Arwen: Yes.
Eowyn: So, first I’m a b**** and now I’m a liar. (to Aragorn) See? Unhealthy.
Boromir (coming into room, smirking): I know what happened.
Eowyn: What?
[Cut to Boromir in the c.r.]: (smirking evilly) I knew it would just be a matter of time before an opportunity presented itself. Just had to bide my time.
[Cut back to front hallway.]
Boromir: I just happened to be in the control room and I saw everything.
[Cut to Eowyn in c.r.]: The little sneak! I hate him!
[Cut back to hallway. Boromir and Eowyn have a face off. Arwen, Aragorn and Gandalf wait.]
Boromir: Eowyn…is right. Arwen’s hair got caught in the door hinge as she was rushing down to see you. She lost her balance, and tripped on her dress.
Arwen: I didn’t trip! Elves don’t trip! And I’m a princess!
Aragorn: Honey, that’s ok. You were flipping your hair as you were walking again, weren’t you? There’s no reason to be embarrassed.
Arwen: But…
Aragorn: Come on, I’ll make you some tea.
[Cut to Arwen in c.r.]: I am NOT clumsy. Eowyn did it and I’m telling Daddy.
[Cut back to hallway. Arwen and Aragorn leave. Gandalf follows them after one final look at Boromir and Eowyn.]
Eowyn: Why did you that?
Boromir: Because now, I own your ass. Very clever, pulling her hair through the door hinge and then slamming the door shut on her. But that kind of behavior could get a girl into trouble.
Eowyn: What do you want?
Boromir: Two things. First, you have to start being nice to me again and admit that you freaked out over nothing. Second, you’re going to tell me everything you know about this ring of Frodo’s.
**********
[Cut to Sam in c.r.]: I knew that Boromir was no good, from day one. And the way he’s been lurking after Mr. Frodo all this last week – he’s lucky he’s still alive, is all I have to say.
[Cut to Frodo in c.r.]: I’m sure it was all just a misunderstanding. Or at least, I hope it was.
[Cut to Arwen in c.r.]: Doesn’t anyone know how to sleep through the night anymore? I’m getting bags under my eyes.
[That night. Everyone’s asleep. Gandalf, and now Aragorn, are crashing on the sofas in the living room.
Cut to Boromir and Frodo’s room. Boromir slowly gets out of bed and starts going through Frodo’s things. Whatever he’s looking for, he doesn’t find it. He stares at Frodo, who’s curled up in a ball, sucking his thumb. Boromir creeps over to Frodo and starts going through his pockets. Frodo wakes up to see a big shadow looming over him and screams.]
Boromir: Shh!
Frodo: Help! Help!
Boromir: Quiet, it’s just me!
Frodo: Help! I’m being raped!
[Hall light turns on and Sam, Pippin and Merry burst through the door. Sam charges at Boromir and knocks him down.]
Sam: Get away from him, you pervert! I’ll kill you, I will. (Pulls out frying pan)
Boromir: Where the hell did that come from?
[Sam starts to raise frying pan, but someone takes it from him. He turns around and sees Aragorn there. Arwen, Legolas, Eowyn and Gandalf are also standing in the doorway now.]
Aragorn: What’s going on in here?
Sam: Boromir tried to rape my master! For that, he must die!
Boromir: Master?
Aragorn: Boromir, is that true?
Boromir: Of course not. I would never do such a thing.
Merry: So what were you doing then?
Boromir: Nothing! There was, um, a, ah, a spider!
Sam (as if that was the lamest excuse he ever heard): A spider?
Boromir: Yes, a spider. A poisonous spider, very, very poisonous, and it was about to sting Frodo. I saved his life.
Sam: Oh, please, like a little tiny spider could really hurt my master.
Boromir: Well, Frodo’s a little tiny himself, ain’t he?
Pippin: Was that some sort of racial slur about our height?
Boromir: No, it – OUCH!
[Boromir is cut off because Pippin kicks him in the leg.]
Boromir: Will you please stop doing that? I saved his life, ok?
Merry: How were you able to see the spider in the dark?
[No one hears him but Boromir, who gives him a harsh look, and Sam, who stares at Boromir even harder. Sam slowly reaches up for his frying pan, but Aragorn lifts it out of his reach.]
Gandalf: Frodo, are you all right?
Frodo: Yes, I’m fine. I was just startled.
Gandalf: I think a change of roommates is in order. Boromir, you should stay with Legolas. Sam, you can stay here to look after Frodo.
Boromir: But I didn’t do anything.
Legolas: Come on, man. We’ll sort it all out in the morning. But right now (yawns) I’m tired and I need my beauty rest. And I think I’m getting a wrinkle.
[Everyone slowly goes back to bed and goes to sleep, except Sam, who sits next to Frodo and watches the door like a hawk for the rest of the night.]
**********
[Next morning. Everyone is eating breakfast. Sam stays next to Frodo’s side, a frying pan at the ready. Boromir manages to stay away from them both, even though it’s very crowded. Gandalf gets everyone’s attention by banging his staff on the floor.]
Gandalf: I think we should call a house meeting.
Merry: How can you call a house meeting? You don’t even live here.
Gandalf: Silence! Something extremely important happened yesterday that we need to talk about. Ignoring it is not going to make it go away. (Waits a few seconds to make sure everyone is listening) Good. Now, someone… borrowed my hat without asking and it is now crooked and bent. If the culprit comes clean, your life will be spared.
[Everyone looks around confused.]
Sam: What are you talking about?
[Before Gandalf can answer, a tall elf with dark hair enters.]
Arwen: Daddy!
Legolas: Lord Elrond.
Boromir: Lord? Holy sh**!
Elrond: Yes, Lord, as in Lord of Rivendell. My little girl told me that you spied on her. Thus far, by her wish, I have spared your life, but step out of line one more time and you’ll be dead before you know what hit you.
[Pippin makes scared sound.]
Boromir: What’s wrong with you? He was threatening me.
Pippin: Two death threats. First Sam, and now Lord Elrond. You better hope no one else threatens you. Third time pays for all, as we say in the Shire.
Boromir: Oh, please, I’m way past three at this point.
Elrond: Anyway, I’ve come to see that everyone who has been invited to the Council Meeting tomorrow is prepared and coming.
Legolas (looking ill): I’m ready, but I have a slight problem with Gollum.
Elrond: Save it for the meeting. Gandalf, Aragorn? (They nod.) Good. Mr. Baggins?
Eowyn: Who?
Frodo: I’m ready.
Boromir: I thought your last name was Underhill.
Legolas: So you’re the Baggins Gollum was always muttering about.
Frodo: Actually, that would be my uncle, Bilbo. He’s going to be there right?
Elrond: Yes, he’s there already.
Boromir: Am I invited?
Elrond (giving him an evil look): No, you are not.
Boromir: Is it about the ring? If it’s about the ring, I should be allowed to go.
Eowyn: Why?
Boromir (giving her an evil look): Because, I had a dream about it.
Sam: A dream? Would this have happened sometime last night when you were trying to rape my master?
Boromir: I wasn’t trying to rape your master, I mean, Frodo. And the dream happened a few weeks ago, and it was about the ring. All about the ring.
Merry: But you didn’t even know that there was a ring until last week.
Boromir: I didn’t know that Frodo had the ring. But I knew about the ring.
Arwen: Then why didn’t you mention it before?
Boromir: Like I’m going to tell just anyone about my dream. You all could have been in league with the Dark Lord.
Legolas: Why would you think that?
Boromir: Well, Saruman was.
Pippin: But, what about—
Elrond: Enough!
Pippin: But everyone else got to ask a question. And it’s important.
Elrond: Silence! Very well Boromir, you may come too, but stay away from me.
Sam: And from Mr. Frodo.
[Elrond leaves.]
Boromir: Well, I better go get prepared. (Starts to leave)
Gandalf: Not so fast.
[Boromir stops, expecting trouble.]
Gandalf: My hat? Who did it?
Sam: I think it was Bill.
Eowyn: Who’s Bill?
Pippin: The pony.
Gandalf: And how would a pony gave gotten a hold of my hat?
[Boromir slowly backs out of kitchen while everyone is distracted, turns corner, then runs to the den. He gets on Palantir and Instant Messages his brother.]
Boromir: Quick, Faramir, help! I need a dream.
Faramir: A dream? What do you mean?
Boromir: I’ll explain later, but right now I need a dream.
Faramir: About what?
Boromir: Isildur’s Bane. And a halfling. And he should be bringing it to Gondor. Oh, and make it sound cryptic so they won’t think I made it up.
**********
[Montage. Legolas is in front of mirror, practicing a speech of some sort. He tries it several different ways – serious, dramatic, comical. Boromir is in his room, memorizing some sort of poem scribbled on a piece of paper. Eowyn spies on Arwen and Aragorn, who are making out in the garden. Gandalf starches and irons his hat so it’s extra pointy. The hobbits lounge about in the stable, taking turns combing the pony’s tail and mane. Sam is still staying close to Frodo. In the background, you can see several barn tools at the ready for attack should someone (Boromir) come into the stable unannounced.]
**********
[The next day. The house is eerily quiet. All the guys are getting ready for the big meeting. The girls are sitting back, feeling left out.]
Eowyn (to Arwen): We should be allowed to go too. Or at any rate, I should. You’re kind of ditz. There wouldn’t be any point in you going.
Arwen: Excuse me.
Eowyn: You heard me.
Arwen: You’re just jealous because I have a boyfriend you loves me.
Eowyn: Those would be your hooters he loves, my dear.
Arwen: You don’t know anything.
Eowyn: Bite me.
[Arwen gets up to find Aragorn and see him off.]
[Cut to outside. Boromir and Legolas are standing near the road, waiting for the others.]
Boromir: So, Gollum was supposed to be here too? And I scared him away. Elrond’s really going to hate me now. Pippin’s right. I’m a dead man.
Legolas: Don’t worry. I’ve the perfect cover up story. I’ll just tell them we took Gollum out for a walk and we were ambushed by some orcs and they took him. Wouldn’t be the first time it happened.
Boromir: And that’ll work?
Legolas: Sure, no problem.
Boromir: Thanks, man.
Legolas: Hey, it’s my ass on the line too. And this is too cute an ass to lose.
Boromir: Yeah.
[Legolas gives him a cross look.]
Boromir: No, I mean, I know what you mean, about not wanting to lose, you know.
Legolas: Yeah, sure.
[Aragorn, Gandalf and Frodo come out of the house and join them. They all leave.
A few minutes pass. Sam sneaks out of house and heads down the road.
A few minutes after that, Merry and Pippin head down the road, with the pony trailing along behind them.]
**********
[Next day. Arwen is packing her things. Eowyn enters room.]
Eowyn: Where are you going?
Arwen: All the boys have left on some stupid quest thing, so I’m going home. No way I’m staying here alone with you. (Gathers things and leaves.) B****.
Eowyn: Excuse me.
Arwen: You heard me.
**********
Announcer: Join us next week on the Lord of the Real World – Rivendell as Eowyn searches for 6 new housemates.
Eowyn: Screw this. I’m going home. (Packs up things and leaves.)
**********
Announcer: Um, join us next week as the producers of the Lord of the Real World – Rivendell search for 7 new housemates. Oh, what the hell – the season’s over. Go away.
**********
The End!