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Scene 20
[Aragorn music]
[clop clop clop]
[music stops]
[boom]
Hobbits
Eh. Oh. See it? Oh. Oh.
Aragorn
Hobbits! Forward!
[boom boom boom boom boom]
[squeak]
[boom boom boom boom]
What Manner of Man are you that can summon up fire without
flint or tinder?
Gandalf The White
I... am an enchanter.
Aragorn
By what name are you known?
Gandalf
There are some who call me... 'Gandalf '?
Aragorn
Greetings, Gandalf The White.
Gandalf
Greetings, Aragorn!
Aragorn
You know my name?
Gandalf
I do.
[zoosh]
You seek Mordor!
Aragorn
That is our quest. You know much that is hidden, O Gandalf
.
Gandalf
Quite.
[pweeng boom]
[clap clap clap]
Frodo
Oh.
Aragorn
Yes, we're-- we're looking for Mordor. Our quest is
to destroy The Ring.
Hobbits
Yeah. Yes. It is. It is. Yeah. Yup. Yup. Hm. Mm.
Aragorn
And so we're-- we're-- we're looking for it.
Legolas
Yes, we are.
Samwise
Yeah.
Frodo
We are. We are.
Legolas
We have been for some time.
Frodo
Ages.
Legolas
Umhm.
Aragorn
Uh-- uh, so, uh, anything that you could do to, uh--
to help... would be... very... helpful.
Samwise
Look, can you tell us where--
[boom]
Aragorn
Fine. Um, I don't want to waste any more of your time,
but, uh, I don't suppose you could, uh, tell us where
we might find a, um-- find a, uh-- a, um-- a, uh--
Gandalf
A what...?
Aragorn
A r-- a-- a r-- a r-- a-- a r--
Gandalf
A ring?!
Aragorn
Yes, I think so.
Frodo
Y-- y-- yes.
Aragorn
Yes.
--------------------------------------------------------
Sauron: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The owner does not respond.)
Sauron: 'Ello, Miss?
Saruman: What do you mean "miss"?
Sauron: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
Saruman: We're closin' for lunch.
Sauron: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain
about this Uruk what I purchased not half an hour ago
from this very firey pit.
Saruman: Oh yes, the, uh, the one with the white hand
on it's head...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
Sauron: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad.
'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
Saruman: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
Sauron: Look, matey, I know a dead Uruk when I see one,
and I'm looking at one right now.
Saruman: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable
creature, the Uruk, idn'it, ay? Beautiful teeth!
Sauron: The teeth don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
Saruman: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
Sauron: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him
up! (shouting at the corpse) 'Ello, Mister Uruk! I've
got a lovely fresh hafling for you if you show...
(Saruman hits the corpse)
Saruman: There, he moved!
Sauron: No, he didn't, that was you hitting it!
Saruman: I never!!
Sauron: Yes, you did!
Saruman: I never, never did anything...
Sauron: (yelling and hitting the corpse repeatedly)
'ELLO uruk!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing!
This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Takes Uruk and thumps its head on the floor. Throws
it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
Sauron: Now that's what I call a dead Uruk.
Saruman: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
Sauron: STUNNED?!?
Saruman: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin'
up! Uruks stun easily, major.
Sauron: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely
'ad enough of this. That Uruk is definitely deceased,
and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured
me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein'
tired from just bein pulled out of the mud.
Saruman: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for
Mordor.
Sauron: PININ' for MORDOR?!?!?!? What kind of talk is
that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment
I got 'im home?
Saruman: The Uruk prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable
creature, id'nit, squire? Lovely teetg!
Sauron: Look, I took the liberty of examining that Uruk
when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason
that it had been standin' on it's feet in the first
place was that it had been NAILED to a tree.
(pause)
Saruman: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't
nailed that Uruk down, it would have nuzzled up to those
orcs, bent 'em apart with its hands, and BANG! Feeweeweewee!
Sauron: "BANG"?!? Mate, this URUK wouldn't "BANG" if
you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin'
demised!
Saruman: No no! 'E's pining!
Sauron: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This Uruk is
no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone
to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e
rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the tree
'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes
are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the
bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down
the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!!
THIS IS AN EX-Uruk!!
(pause)
Saruman: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes
a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've
had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're
right out of Uruks.
Sauron: I see. I see, I get the picture.
Saruman: I got a orc.
(pause)
Sauron: Pray, does it talk?
Saruman: Nnnnot really.
Sauron: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
Saruman: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at
his feet)
Sauron: Well.
(pause)
Saruman: (quietly) D'you.... d'you want to come back
to my place?
Sauron: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.
------------------------------------------------
Scene 22
Aragorn
There! Look!
Frodo
What does it say?
Samwise
What language is that?
Aragorn
Brother Legolas! You are a scholar.
Legolas
It's Mordor!
Samwise
Of course! Sauron Of Mordor!
Frodo
'Course!
Aragorn
What does it say?
Legolas
It reads, 'Here may be found the last words of Sauron
Of Mordor. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may
take The Ring past the tower of Barad-Dur'.
Aragorn
What?
Legolas
'...The Tower Of Barad-Dur'.
Samwise
What is that?
Gimli
He must have hiccuped while carving it.
Frodo
Oh, come on!
Legolas
Well, that's what it says.
Aragorn
Look, if he was hiccuping, he wouldn't bother to carve
'Dur'. He'd just say it!
Legolas
Well, that's what's carved in the rock!
Samwise
Perhaps he was dictating.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Narrator
As the horrendous Nazgul lunged forward, escape for
Aragorn and his Fellowship seemed hopeless, when suddenly,
the Animator suffered a fatal heart attack.
Animator
Ulk!
[thump]
Narrator
The cartoon peril was no more. The quest to destroy
the Ring could continue.