Home | Literature Index | Movies & Broadway Index | Television Index | Music Index | Miscellaneous Index | Submit Your Own
ARAGORN skips through the forest, one hand on the pommel of his sword, the other holding invisible reins. LEGOLAS skips beside him. GIMLI follows behind, clapping two coconut halves together.
Aragorn: Come, Gimli!
Gimli: This is ridiculous! We're not even supposed to HAVE horsies in this film!
Legolas: Good Gimli, shush!
Up ahead, LURTZ THE BLACK URUK HAI fights an armored ROHIRRIM, with much roaring and gnashing of teeth. As Aragorn and his party enter the clearing, the Rohirrim groans and falls, spouting blood everywhere. Aragorn and Legolas trade appreciative nods, as Lurtz licks his blade clean and stands once more in the center of the road.
Aragorn steps forward.
Aragorn: Good Uruk Hai, your skill is impressive. I am Aragorn, King of Everyone in This Film Because I Say So. I wish you to join me and my Fellowship of Rivendell.
Lurtz: None shall pass.
Aragorn: I'll take that as a no, then. You make me sad. Come, Gimli. Good Sir Legolas.
Aragorn waves to his companions, who start to follow him across the clearing. Lurtz steps into their way.
Lurtz: None shall pass.
Aragorn: We wish no trouble, Good Uruk Hai, only to be on our way.
Lurtz draws his sword.
Aragorn: Very well.
Aragorn draws his sword as well; Legolas and Gimli stand back, exchanging anxious looks. Cue melodramatic music and several seconds of sword play, before Aragorn hacks off Lurtz's arm. Blood spurts.
Aragorn: We shall trouble you no further, sir. Good day.
Lurtz: Giving up already, eh?
Aragorn: You've got no arm!
Lurtz (looking at his bleeding stump): It's just a scratch. Have at you!
Cue more dramatic music, as Aragorn and Lurtz trade several more blows...before Aragorn hacks off Lurtz's other arm. Immediately he kneels and prays.
Aragorn: O heavenly Valar, I thank you for this most noble victory on this day...
Lurtz, hopping about, kicks Aragorn: Get up, you!
Aragorn jumps up to face him.
Aragorn: Would you quit that?
Lurtz: Have at thee, coward! The Black Uruk Hai of the White Hand always triumphs!
Aragorn: What're you gonna do, bleed on me?
Lurtz: Chicken! Bawk bawk bawk CHICKEN!
Aragorn: I'll have your leg...
Lurtz: Bawk baaaaaawk...
Aragorn: Right.
Aragorn hacks off Lurtz's leg. Lurtz hops about on one leg.
Lurtz: RIGHT! Now you've done it!
Lurtz hops some more, headbutting Aragorn.
Aragorn: Now this is getting silly.
Aragorn hacks off Lurtz's other leg, and Lurtz falls to the ground, but remains upright on his stumps.
Aragorn: Come Legolas, come Gimli.
Gimli resumes the coconuts, and the three members of the Fellowship skip on out of the clearing.
Lurtz: Come back here, you cowards! I'll bite your hairy feet off!
Pippin, to Merry, from where they've been watching in the trees: Hey, how did we get dragged into this one?