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It was the year 2941 of the Third Age when a small inconsequential
Hobbit nicked the One Ring of General Nastiness. Sauron,
Lord of Insufficient Light sought to recover this ring
and with it to cover all of Middle Earth in dim duskiness.
An intrepid company of Hobbits, Men, Elves and Dwarves
set off on a quest to destroy the ring.
Opening scene. The "fellowship" at a feast in Rivendale
We're the fellowship ofthe ring
We like to dance and sing
We don't take %^*# from anyone
'cause Aragorn’s a king.
To Mordor, from Rivendale
We'll tell great tales and drink fine ale
When ever heinous foes are near
We turn our feet and run in fear
We're the fellowship...of the ring
Cut to flash back many years earlier. Aragorn as a teenager
and Elrond in Rivendale.
Elrond "It was 3000 years ago today that your great
great ...(later)... great granddaddy and I gave Sauron
a sound thrashing, and now its your destiny to follow
in his footsteps, lead the free peoples of Middle Earth
against the Lord of Insufficient Light, and re-establish
the kingship of Gondor, thus uniting all mortal men."
Aragorn in a whiny voice "But I don't want any that.
I just want to sing..."
Elrond "Stop, stop, stop, there'll be none of that here.
I'm over 7000 years old now and I'm tired by being jolly.
I'll make a deal with you. You give me your solemn vow,
to depart this realm upon reaching manhood, and you
can have my daughter."
Exterior Scene, Frodo in Mordor, at Mount Doom.
Narrator "After a long arduous journey, Frodo and his
faithful companion arrive at the entrance to Mount Doom,
only to find it guarded by two policemen.
Policeman #1 "Are you Frodo Baggins of the Shire?"
Frodo "I am he"
Policeman #1 "We have a warrant for your arrest on several
charges; accepting stolen property, e.g. The One Ring;
and damage of personal property, e.g. some pillows,
bed linen and such, at the Prancing Pony, while posing
as one Mr. Underhill."
Sam "Take one step closer to Mr. Frodo and you'll taste
of my blade!"
Policemen #2 "Be advised Mr. Sam Gamgee that you are
also wanted as an accomplice to the later offence. Don't
complicate maters by resisting arrest."
Final Scene
Aragorn and the Steward of Gondor
Aragorn, with enthusiasm and an aristocratic air "Hello,
I'm Aragorn son of Arathorn, rightful heir to the thrown
of Gondor. I'm here to be your king."
Steward "Hang on a minute. What proof do you have that
you are the heir."
Aragorn, annoyed but undaunted. "Well, you have my word,
and that of Elrond in Rivendale"
Steward "So you've been hanging about in the woods with
the elves and suddenly you want to be king."
Aragorn "I don't WANT to be king, but it is my duty
as rightful heir..."
Steward "So you come here claiming to be so-and-so,
son of so-and-so, and I'm supposed to turn over the
entire system of government to you? What do you know
about running a city? Last month all the sewers backed
up. Fat lot of good your sword would of been then. We
had to engineer a new drainage system. This is not some
Elvin fairy land you know. Last year when we had a the
Cart Drivers strike, I suppose you would've just lopped
off some heads..."
Aragorn "Alright, alright, you can have your White city
and your seven circles and the whole of Middle Earth
for all I care. Arwen! Lets go. We're leaving for the
havens."
Steward "Oh, running away are you? Come back here you
silly ranger so I can taunt you a second time."