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(*Camera slowly sweeps across a heavenly wooded landscape*)
Narrator: Rivendell – the perfect place to walk, to
rest, to relax…(camera turns to Aragorn, posing, in
a small, shaded area) or to pick up chicks! (Several
Elvish chicks trot by, ignoring Aragorn; an elderly
Elvish woman walks up to him)
Elderly She-Elf: Excuse me, sir. (Aragorn ignores her)
Excuse me sir. (Aragorn strikes another pose). Sir!
Aragorn: (Finally notices her) Sorry, honey – I don’t
mean to be a heartbreaker … well … anyways, there’s
just too much a generation gap between us – I don’t
mind girls a little older than me, but after a thousand
or so years…
Elderly She-Elf: (insulted) I just wanted to know the
time…
Aragorn: (Pityingly) There, there, Ma’am – (looks up
suddenly, as a gorgeous Elf lady walks by). Woa, momma!
Hello there, little lady! (Runs up to elf lady, grabs
her, and kisses her) Now that we know each others, how
about (interrupted by Elf lady grabbing elvish version
of mace from her purse, spraying him; stumbling around
blindly, in pain, he falls into a pit of Wolves of Isengard.
Wolves begin snarling…Aragorn pounds the crap out of
a Wolf, who tries to attack him, and climbs out of the
pit, recovering)
*Camera turns to Arwen, running toward Aragorn*
Aragorn: (Watches, entranced) Ohhhh, momma, I dig it
when Elvish chicks run! (As Arwen runs by, he jumps
in her path; she tries ducking aside several times,
and he gets in her way; finally, she pushes him back
into the pit of Wolves of Isengard, and runs past, to
an empty, wrecked cage; Aragorn climbs out of the pit
[again], follows Arwen)
Arwen: Oh no!
Aragorn: Woa hot momma!
Arwen: Excuse me? A 19 pound Gollum is on the loose!
Aragorn: (interrupts) Enough about you – let’s talk
about! Aragorn, son of Arathorn, born to Rule Gondor!
Arwen: (unimpressed) I don’t think you understand…there
is a 19 pound Gollum on the loose, with the one ring
in his possession!
Aragorn: (paying attention to her words for the first
time) Woa, there, momma – 19 pounds? Gollum? The one
ring? On the loose? (turns to her, raises eyebrows)
Ma’am, I’d be more than happy to help you find your
Gollum!
Arwen: (unimpressed) You MUST be joking – I mean, to
capture Gollum with the ring, you’d need like an army,
or a superhero…
Aragorn: (awed) A…superhero?
Arwen: Yea – a superhero would be nice!
Aragorn: (Smiles seductively) Ma’am, today’s your lucky
day – because I happen to be a SUPERHERO! (Arwen gazes
at him, unbelievingly) Did I mention my superpowers?
Arwen: (Still unimpressed) Oh, no…you didn’t mention
those…
Aragorn: I happen to be the only man alive to have earned
his blackbelt in every form of martial arts in the world!
(Suddenly a group of Nazgul race on the set, from behind,
trampling Aragorn; raising slowly, after they’ve passed,
he moans) Did I mention I’m still studying ‘Somersaulting
Wraiths’?
Arwen: (watches as he picks himself up) You know what,
I think I could use your help after all…
Aragorn: (very excited) Do you know I have a sensitive
side, too? (starts singing) I can bring home bacon,
and I can even cook – Ma’am, I’ll have your Gollum back,
faster than you can make a peanut butter and vanilla
lembas bread sandwich – and deep fry that bad boy!
Arwen: (unimpressed, watches as he races off eagerly)
------------
*Scene changes to Gollum, who is crossing a path, in
a sparsely wooded area of Rivendell*
Gollum: (Singing) Ohhhh, so coolsie in the poolsie,
to catches a fishsie so sweetsie and tendersie! (Crosses
path, comes to a reflecting pool, stares at his reflection;
licks his large, dirty hand, runs it through his remnants
of hair; very impressed) You are the monster! Ouch!
*Aragorn comes running up, taps Gollum*
Aragorn: Excuse me, kid – you haven’t happened to see
a Gollum passing by here, would you?
Gollum: (Innocently) A Gollum? Refresh our memories,
precious, but what does a ‘Gollum’ look like?
Aragorn: (thinks) Uhhh…umm…hmm…well…(Gollum makes various
faces at Aragorn, as he thinks)…it’s uhhh small…and,
uh, disgusting…yea…and it’s got the one ring!
Gollum: (pretending to be frightened) Oh, good heavens!!
(fans himself) You know what, precious? I actually did
see one of those ‘Gollum’ creatures an hour ago…(voice
becomes angry, leaps at Aragorn’s throat) But HE was
certainly not what I would have called UGLY!!
Aragorn: (Backs away) Uhhh…really…
Gollum: Oh, no, precious, no – he was more like the
‘Mel Gibson of the shire’!
Aragorn: Uh huh…you wouldn’t have noticed which way
he went, would you have?
Gollum: Forsoothe, nay – I looked away, as he stray…but,
hey! How bout I help you find this Gollum, precious?
Aragorn: (Strikes his ‘signature pose’) Mister, I don’t
know who you’re talking to – I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn;
the one man army…so you just stay out of the way, and
leave the superhero-ing to me!
Gollum: (As Aragorn runs off, into the horizon) No problem,
precious…
--------------
*Scene changes to Aragorn, running through a highly
populated part of Rivendell, with various people…errr,
elves… standing about, stupidly*
Aragorn: (approaches Hippy Elf, dressed in bright pink,
flowered robe, covered in ‘peace’ emblems, holding a
‘Stop Story Violence’ sign) Have you seen a Gollum pass
this way?
Hippy Elf: Duhhh, no dude…hey, got some weed? (Aragorn
is already gone, going up to a gorgeous elf woman)
Aragorn: Seen a Gollum pass this way?
Gorgeous She-Elf: (In a sultry voice) Nooo
Aragorn: (runs past, up to an old elf) Seen a … (looks
back at the Gorgeous She Elf, runs back to her) Excuse
me, little lady – you wouldn’t happen to have a Gollum
under those clothes, would you? (She-Elf grabs his arm,
flips him over her head, and flattens him several times)
I think she digs me. (She-Elf walks away)
-------------------
*Scene changes, to a run-down section of Rivendell;
Gollum is walking along, humming; an orc is hiding behind
a building, waiting until Gollum passes*
Orc: (Jumping out from behind the building, arrow pointed
at Gollum) Get in the alley!
Gollum: (obliging, but slowly) Ohhh, whats are you going
to do, precious?? Frisks us??
Orc: (Angrily) Shut up and get in the alley!
Gollum: Ohhh, aren’t we a little bit on the grouchy
side, precious?
Orc: Give me your wallet, you slimy toad!
(At that moment, Aragorn comes running up, pointing
his sword at the Orc)
Aragorn: Put down that arrow!
Gollum: (Furious at the Orc, ignoring Aragorn’s presence)
What did you call me?? Pig-swine, that’s what you are
– P-I-G! (starts attacking the Orc, biting him, and
beating him)
Aragorn: (Tries pulling him off) Calm down there, kid!
Gollum: (Still ignoring Aragorn) You are so disgusting,
you could disguise yourself as manure without a costume!
Aragorn: Disgusting?
Gollum: You’re brain is so tiny, it makes my droppings
look large!
Aragorn: (pondering Gollum’s word) Tiny? (Gollum continues
to attack the fallen orc) Hold on there, kid – you don’t
think this could be the Gollum, do you?
Gollum: (Eyes Aragorn sneakily) Hmm…could be…
Aragorn: (Looks at the Orc, with disdain) Sure is ugly
enough to be in a cage…
*Arwen comes walking up*
Arwen: Well, you found my Gollum!
Aragorn: (picks up the Orc, to hand to her) I sure did
– here he is…(watches as Arwen takes Gollum’s hand,
to lead him away; his jaw drops, and Gollum smiles,
evilly) Wha…? (Still holding the Orc) Don’t I deserve
some kind of reward for this? A date? A kiss? A hearty
hand shake?
Arwen: I would go out with you…but it looks like you’ve
already got a … date (in reference to the Orc)
Orc: (Very disturbed) This is cute ‘n’ all…but I have
a wife…
Aragorn: (Turns to camera) What are you lookin’ at??