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Jerry: Tonight... we have a story of peversion
that I have never covered before on any
of my previous
shows... men who love jewelry... and the
jewelery that loves them back.
Audience: Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!
Show title: I love my Ring!
Jerry: Tonight, we have with us a guy called
Frodo. Frodo has been having trouble with
his ring.
Frodo, what has been happening?
Frodo: It's like this Jerry. I've been going
with my ring for a few months now. Everything
is cool
and stuff...
Jerry: Do you love you ring?
Frodo: Yes... no... well, yes... but that's
not the point. The point is that it is mine,
and I can
do wit it what I want to do wit it.
Jerry: And has anyone else been trying to
do something with the ring?
Frodo: Yeah. That's why I come on this show.
A couple of the Rings old owners want the
ring back
and are messing up my life and I want to
tell them to F*** the Hell off and leave
me the
F*** alone.
Jerry: OK, strong words. Now... who is the
first person we have that wants the ring
back? [listens in ear piece]
OK... we have someone who is using the nickname
"Gollum". Welcome "Gollum"!
[Gollum enters stage left and sits on the
chair]
Jerry: Hello "Gollum". Tell me... why do
you want the ring?
Gollum: Givvvveee myyy precioussssssssss.
My Preciousssss. Hates bagginssesss. Stole
my
preciousssss.... [continues to mumble
and repeat]
Jerry: Um... what is your precious?
Frodo: It's what he calls the ring, Jerry.
Jerry: OK... and did you steal the ring,
like he claims?
Frodo: Hell no. I was given this ring by
my uncle.
Jerry: So you have shared this ring with
other members of your family? We are going
to take a break
now, and when we come back, we will hear
from the Uncle... and the original owner
of the ring...
don't miss it.
[Advert break]
Jerry: And we are back. If you missed the
first segment we met Frodo, who has been
going with a ring
for a few months now but his life has been
terrorised by previous owners of that ring.
But it
is also a ring that he has shared with other
members of his family. We will now be meeting
his
uncle, who also used to go with the ring.
[Enter Bilbo, sits on chair next to Frodo]
Bilbo: Hello Jerry
Jerry: Hello Bilbo. So... you've been with
the ring as well?
Bilbo: Yeah. I had the ring. The ring was
mine for years. Then my nephew here... well,
you could
say I gave it to him... but it was the hardest
thing I ever had to do in my life.
Jerry: Do you still love the ring?
Bilbo: With all my heart.
Jerry: Then why did you give it to your
nephew?
Bilbo: Gandalf made me... so that they could
destroy it!
Jerry: Is it true that you want to destroy
the ring, Frodo?
Frodo: It doesn't make any f***ing difference
what I am gonna do wit the ring. It's mine
to do wit as
I please.
Jerry: I think we have some-one backstage
that might feel differently. I believe we
have the rings
creator, Sauron.
[Sauron enters in a flat run and charges
into Frodo and tries to take the ring from
the Frodo. Steve
and the rest of the security crew jump on
stage to break the two of them up. When
Steve has Sauron
pinned back, Gollum jumps on Frodo's head,
and then climbs down Frodo's head and tries
to grab Frodo's
hands, looking for the ring. The other members
of the secrity team grab Gollum and hold
him back]
Audience: Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
Jerry: Gentelmen.. please!
Audience: Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
Jerry: Sauron... calm down... calm down...
Now tell me, why do you want the ring.
Sauron: So I can rule Middle Earth. I created
that ring. It's mine. I put my blood, sweat,
tears and
most of my power in that ring... and to
have a hobbit, a f***ing hairy-footed, hairy-a$$ed
hafling have it is just f***ing wrong,
you know what I'm saying? I want it, and
I want
it now! That motherf***er had better give
it back if he knows what's good for him!
Audience: Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
[Except for three guys in the back shouting
"We Love Lesbians!"]
Frodo: F*** you, Sauron. You are an evil
dude! You just want to use the ring to cause
pain and
suffering. I am going to destroy the ring
before I would let that happen.
[Frodo flips Sauron "the bird", but his
hands are obscured by a low pixel count
in post production]
Sauron: You are showing me the finger??
You are showing *me* the finger?
[Gollum jumps up and bites Frodo's finger
off]
Gollum: Givvvveee myyy precioussssssssss.
My Preciousssss. Hates bagginssesss. Stole
my
preciousssss....
Frodo: Holy F***!!!!! MotherF***er!!! That
B*****d bit my f***ing finger off!! I'm
gonna kill him!!
Give my f***ing finger back!!!
Audience: Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
[A melee ensues. All Guests are man/hobbit-handled
off stage, and Frodo is seen getting into
an
ambulance with his finger in a bowl of ice]
Jerry: We are going to take a break now...
but after the break... Immortal women, and
the mortal men
they love... that their fathers do not approve
of... next on Jerry Springer!