What if "The Lord of the Rings"had been written as Jeopardy

SNL Fellowship Jeopardy

by Nithy

(Jeopardy Music)
Gandalf Trebek: And we're back with Fellowship Jeopardy. I would like to take this opportunity to apologize on behalf of our contestants to all Dwarf women and the blind. That having been said, let's meet our contestants. Legolas Greenleaf, Elf Prince of Mirkwood speaks two languages fluently and still can't dress gender-appropriately. Legolas, tell us what charity you're playing for.
Legolas: I'm playing for Locks of Love, for all those poor children who don't have long silky hair like mine.
Gandalf: You know, your hair is long enough to donate.
Legolas: How dare you suggest such a horrible prospect. I'm playing for these children, not selling my soul to them.
Gandalf: I'm so glad you have your priorities straight. Contestant number two is Aragorn, son of Arathorn. Aragorn, can you tell us something about yourself?
Aragorn: I'm going to be king someday. My sword was broken but I fixed it. I'll need a sword when I'm king. Because I'm going to be king.
Gandalf: Fascinating. And our third contestant is Boromir.
Boromir: We meet again, Gandalf.
Gandalf: Boromir is in last place with -$3000.
Boromir: Damn you and your daily doubles, Gandalf. I was robbed.
Gandalf: And now, let's look at the categories for Double Jeopardy. The categories are: "Potent Potables", "Colors", "Horsemen of Rohan", "The Valar", which is probably way out of your league, so you might want to try "Point to a Member of the Fellowship", and I would like to remind our contestants that everyone on this stage, including myself, is a member of the Fellowship, "How Do You Spell Ent?", and finally, "Elf Women Whose Names End in 'aladriel'". Boromir, since you are in last place, you may select first.
Boromir: I'll Take Hor Semen for three hundred, Gandalf.
Gandalf: What? No, that's Horsemen, not Hor Semen. Never mind, why don't I pick a category. Let's do Colors for three hundred. And the answer is, "What color does Saruman the White wear?" (buzz) Yes, Aragorn?
Aragorn: I'm going to be king.
Gandalf: That's great. Do you have an answer?
Aragorn: No.
Gandalf. Does anybody else have an answer to the question "What color does Saruman the White wear?"
(time runs out)
Gandalf: The answer is "white." Saruman the White wears white clothing.
Legolas: Not after Labor Day. Nobody wears white after Labor Day.
Gandalf: Legolas, pick a category.
Legolas: I'll take Elf Women Whose Names End in 'aladriel' for one hundred.
Gandalf: The answer is: This Elf is from Lothlorien and owns the Mirror of Galadriel.
(silence from contestants)
She is an Elf woman . . . whose name ends in 'aladriel' . . . and she owns the Mirror of Galadriel . . . I believe she gave you a bow, Legolas . . . and that belt that you are wearing right now, Boromir . . . (buzz)
Yes, Boromir.
Boromir: Your mother.
Gandalf: No, Boromir, that is incorrect. (buzz) Yes, Legolas?
Legolas: Who is your mother?
Gandalf: No, my mother is not the correct answer. (buzz) Aragorn?
Aragorn: What is your mother?
Boromir: Your mother is a whor--
Gandalf: No! The correct answer is "Galadriel." Galadriel, who owns the Mirror of Galadriel. (blank stares) Never mind. Legolas, pick a category.
Legolas: I'll take Horsemen of Rohan for two hundred.
(ding)
Gandalf: And that sound means this is an Audio Daily Double. The category is Horsemen of Rohan. Name this Horseman of Rohan.
Deep Voice: Eomer. Eomer.
Gandalf: Name this Horseman of Rohan.
Legolas: (arches eyebrows, flares nostrils)
(time runs out)
Gandalf: The correct answer was Eomer. Are you Elvish or retarded? Let's just go to Final Jeopardy. And the category is . . . You know what, I'm going to make up a different category. The Final Jeopardy category is "Hobbits." All you have to do is name a hobbit. (Final Jeopardy music starts.) That's all you have to do. Write the name of any hobbit you can think of. You could write Frodo, the hobbit who was carrying around the gold ring. You could put Sam; that's easy to spell. It's spelled S-A-M. You could also put Merry, or Pippin, or Fatty, or Bilbo, or any other hobbit you can think of. There's no possible way you can get this wrong. (Final Jeopardy music ends.) And now let's see how you all screwed this up. Legolas, we'll start with you. You have written . . . nothing.
Legolas: Well, I would have written something, but I was afraid I'd break a nail if I picked up the pen.
Gandalf: I see. Let's move on to Aragorn.
Aragorn: I'm going to be king.
Gandalf: I believe you've already mentioned that. Let's see what you wrote. You wrote . . . Gimli. Gimli is a dwarf, and not a Hobbit. I'm sorry, that's incorrect. Let's see what you wagered. You wagered . . . Gondor with a dollar sign. Astonishing. And finally, because I'm required to do this, let's see what Boromir wrote.
Boromir (snickers)
Gandalf: It looks like . . . you drew a picture of me having sex with a Balrog. And let me just see what you wagered . . . yes, it is a picture of me having sex with a Balrog.
Boromir: Come on, Gandalf, let the people see my work.
Gandalf: NO!
Boromir: Come on, you pansy.
Gandalf: That about does it for Fellowship Jeopardy. I'm Gandalf Trebek, and this has been a nightmare.
(Jeopardy music)

(Jeopardy music)
Gandalf Trebek: Hello, and welcome back to Fellowship Jeopardy. I'm your host, Gandalf Trebek, and I would like to assure viewers that all of our contestants are now wearing pants. That having been said, let's look at the scores. In third place, with a new Jeopardy record of negative 13,000, is Frodo Baggins. Mr. Baggins got this amazig score by incorrectly answering the same quesitions more than once.
Frodo: Don't you think I'm hot, Gandalf?
Gandalf: No. In second place, with negative $12, is Gimli, son of Gloin.
Gimli: Grrrr.
Gandalf: Fascinating. And finally in first place with zero dollars . . . Boromir. Let's look at the categories.
Boromir: Not so fast, you Maiar ponce.
Gandalf: I really thought that was going to work.
Boromir: You thought wrong. You'll rue the day you crossed me, Gandalf.
Gandalf: Wonderful. Let's look at the categories for Double Jeopary. And the categories are: "Potent Potables", "Dwarves in the Fellowship", "Foreign Flicks", "Things Gandalf Sucks"--what is this?
(Gandalf takes down the piece of paper covering the category as Boromir laughs)
That's not funny. The rest of the categories are "Hot or Cold" and "Should You Taunt a Nazgul?" Frodo, the board is yours.
Frodo: I'll take "People Who Think I'm Hot" for six hundred.
Gandalf: For the last time, that's not a category. Why don't I pick a category. Foreign Flicks, for three hundred. (buzz) Yes, Boromir?
Boromir: Eowyn.
Gandalf: What?
Boromir: Eowyn, Arwen, and Galadriel.
Gandalf: The category is Foreign Flicks. Flicks, Boromir.
Boromir: Not a fan of the ladies, are you, Gandalf?
Gandalf: Gimli, why don't you pick a category.
Gimli: I'll take Dwarves in the Fellowship for two hundred.
Gandalf: An excellent choice, as the answer to all of the questions in this category is "Gimli." It can't be any easier than that. As soon as I'm done talking, someone buzz in and say Gimli. And the answer is, "Who is the only dwarf in the fellowship?" (silence from contestants) Gimli, I should think you at least would know theanswer, since you are the only dwarf in the fellowship. (more silence) Isn't anybody going to answer this one? (time runs out) And the answer, of course, is Gimli.
Gimli: That's me.
Boromir: Dwarf, you might be legally retarded.
Gandalf: I'm going to have to agree with Boromir on that. Why don't I pick another category. Let's try "Hot or Cold" for three hundred. It's a Video Daily Double, so watch the screen.
(On the screen)
Gollum: I'm standing in the Fiery Pits of Mordor, without my precioussssss. I am surrounded by these very hot flames and very hot lava. Watch. (He sticks his hand into the flames and screams in pain) That's hot! The question is, Are the fiery hot pits of Mordor hot or cold? Very very hot, or cold? (Frodo buzzes in)
Frodo: Everybody thinks I'm hot.
Boromir: I bet Gandalf thinks you're hot, don't you Gandalf?
Let's just go to Final Jeopardy. And the Final Jeopardy category is . . . you know what, let's do a different category. How about "Something you like." All you have to do is write something you like. (Final Jeopardy music starts) There's really no way you can get this wrong. Just write down something you like. You could draw a picture of it, if you don't know how to spell it. You can even lie and write something you don't like and say it's something you like. You'd have to be the dumbest people in the world to mess this up. (Final Jeopardy music ends) Let's get this over with. We'll start with Gimli. And it appears as though Gimli has used his ax to chop the podium into tiny pieces. I'm amazed. And let's see what Frodo wrote. Absolutely nothing. I'm speechless.
Frodo: I'm really hot. I don't need your chump change.
Gandalf: The money goes to charity.
Frodo: Screw 'em.
Gandalf: I feel like I want to punch you. And because I'm required to do this, let's see what Boromir wrote. "Gandalf". You wrote Gandalf. You like me?
Boromir: Of course. I know I've been harsh, but it's all in good fun.
Gandalf: That's so touching. Let's see what you wagered. "Sucks." Gandalf sucks. (Boromir laughs) I almost believed you. I hate you. This has been Fellowship Jeopardy. I'm going home and putting a gun in my mouth.
(Jeopardy music)