What if "The Lord of the Rings" had been written as "Dragnet"

[Gandalf] I was working the day watch out of Robbery. I got a call from Division that a strange creature wanted to report a theft.

Sir, can you tell me what was taken?

[Gollum] Preciousssss! He took my precioussss!

[Gandalf] Can you describe the item more exactly?

[Gollum] My birthday present, it was! Such a lovely golden ring it was, yessss! My precioussss!

[Gandalf] Thank you. Do you have any idea who might have taken it?

[Gollum] Nassty hobbit Baggins, yesss! He stole our preciousss! No good tricksy thief! We hates him! We hates him!

[Gandalf] Just the facts, sir.