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David Letterman: Wake the kids, call the neighbors, it’s time for tonight’s Top Ten list. Tonight’s list is “The Top Ten Reasons to Throw The One Ring Into The Fires Of Mount Doom.”
(Paul Schaeffer and band play opening lines of “Ring of Fire” by Johnny Cash)
(Dave stares blankly at camera for a minute, then):: Hee hee. Here we go. The Top Ten Reasons to Throw The One Ring Into The Fires Of Mount Doom. Reason Number Ten…
(he pauses)
Ya know, Paul, I wonder if The One Ring would float?
(Paul is caught off-guard, but replies) Well, Dave, we know that Smeagol found it at the bottom of a river, so it must not float. Then again, we also know it can change its size and its weight, so one could assume that it could make itself very large but light so that it would be less dense than water and would thereby float.
(Dave stares blankly at Paul for a minute, then says): So you’re saying you don’t know.
Paul: I have no idea.
Dave: Well, let’s get this over with. Once again, if you’re scoring at home, these are The Top Ten Reasons to Throw The One Ring Into The Fires Of Mount Doom.
Number 10: Two words—Dwarf Tossing!
Number 9: because chicks dig a guy who’s been on a quest
Number 8: For the Shire!
(Paul echoes loudly) For the Shire!
Dave: Hee hee. What does that mean? I don’t even know what that means. I should start coming to rehearsals. (sighs dramatically)
Number 7: That Legolas—he’s elf-tastic!
Number 6: Because Sauron is really the president of CBS.
Number 5: So that after the world is saved I can introduce Bilbo and Frodo to Yoko Ono. “Bilbo, Yoko. Yoko, Bilbo. Yoko, Frodo. Frodo, Yoko.”
Number 4: So we can film it and make gobs of money.
Number 3: To see if it floats.
(turns to Paul): Now that’s funny, because we were just discussing that a few minutes ago.
Paul: That’s right, we were. Just a moment ago, right here, we were discussing whether or not The One Ring would float…
Dave: And what did we decide? I wasn’t paying attention.
(Paul laughs, says nothing)
Dave: Once again the category is Top Ten Reasons to Throw The One Ring Into The Fires Of Mount Doom.
Reason Number 2: To win the affection of Galadriel. She’s the “Lady of the Wood” –if you know what I mean.
(Dave looks to Paul): Do you know what I mean, Paul?
Paul: Uh, you mean she lives in a forest, right?
(Dave ignores him and continues with the list)
And the Number One Reason to Throw The One Ring Into The Fires Of Mount Doom: That whole “triumph of good over evil” thing.
Ok, we’re going to take a commercial break. When we come back we’re going to play, Know Your Rings of Power.
(band plays “Ring of Fire” – fade to commercial)