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KEN BURNS' WAR OF THE RING

by Wumpus

(We fly down the river Anduin, which shimmers in the sunset. A hauntingly mournful version of "The Road Goes Ever On and On" plays in the background.)

NARRATOR (David McCulloch): In 3018, Shadowfax won Edoras Derby for the third consecutive year. Pipe-weed was exported from the Shire for the first time. Bilbo Baggins finished "There and Back Again." In 3018, the last Balrog in the wild was killed by poacher. And in 3018, war would envelop Middle Earth--a war that would set West against East, brother against brother, elf against orc.

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KEN BURNS' MANICURIST: To my mind, Gandalf was *the* most revolutionary figure in Third ge history. Sometimes I imagine Gandalf, Abraham Lincoln, Jackie Robinson, and Albert Einstein playing golf together. And you know what? Gandalf always lands a hole in one.

WYNTON MARSALIS: Now, Gandalf, he's like this: deep-dweep be-deep deep dap. But Sauruman, he's like, bwomp-womp wa womp waa womp. You know what I'm saying?

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SAM GAMGEE (Garrison Keillor): Dear Rosie: We're off to see the oliphaunt at last, as they say. I don't know if we'll see action any time soon. All we've done so ar is walk, walk, and walk some more. We've met some curious folk along the way, including a man with a bright blue jacket, and his boots were yellow. Foreigners are very queer indeed. Yours truly, Sam Gamgee

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NARRATOR: Next time on Ken Burns' War of the Ring: prejudice strikes on the home front.

BILL THE PONY (Tom Hanks): Dear Daisy: I am coming home. We made it to Moria in good time, but the Fellowship will let me proceed no further. They said that Moria is no place for a pony and sent me away. It is a sore disappointment, especially after that trying incident at the gate. Dear wife, I only hope a day will come when tis land is no longer tainted by pony-hatred--a day when ponies can walk freely in the halls of dwarves with their heads and tails held high.

NARRATOR: Next time, on Ken Burns' War of the Ring.