What if "The Lord of the Rings"had been written by Abbot and Costello

Abbot and Costello

by systems curmudgeon

Abbott: Well, Costello, I'm going to Helm's Deep with you. The defense's manager, Aragorn, he gave me a job as coach for as long as you're defending the wall.

Costello: Look Abbott, if you're the coach, you must know about all the creatures in the battle.

Abbott: I certainly do.

Costello: Well you know I've never met them guys. So you'll hae to tell me their names.

Abbott: Oh, I'll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they give these creatures now-a-days very peculiar names.

Costello: You mean funny names.

Abbott: Yeah, names like Celebrian, Turambar, Butterbur...

Costello: Well, what I want to find out, see, when we rout the Orcs, whose going to finish them off?

Abbott: Huorns.

Costello: Who?

Abbott: Huorns.

Costello: Who all's gonna rout the Orcs?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: Who?

Abbott: Huorns.

Costello: I DON'T CARE who owns! Now look, suppose we have some great hero, and we'll win the battle, because one of our guys will be unstoppable, because, the hero will lend his magic sword to our unstoppable guy.

Abbott: Elendil's sword.

Costello: He'll lend whose sword?

Abbott: Naturally.

Costello: He'll lend his sword.

Abbott: That's it.

Costello: Tht's who?

Abbott: Not Who. Huorns.

Costello: Look, we're outnumbered here in Helm's deep. If all the elves from the first and second ages were alive today, then who's ready to help us?

Abbott: Huor.

Costello: I am?

Abbott: No, Huor.

Costello: Huor?

Abbott: Certainly.

Costello: You're ready to help?

Abbott: He would be ready to help.

Costello: If I mentioned his name, who did I say who is ready to help?

Abott: Huor.

Costello: Look, I'm really afraid of staying here and fighting this battle, because I don't even know what I'm talking about! Is there anyone who can carry me away from here?

Abbott: Gwaihir.

Costello: Not here, somewhere else!

Abbott: I'm telling you, Gwaihir!

Costello: And I'm asking you, why NOT here?

Abbott: That's what I'm telling you.

Costello: Now look, maybe I AM a good fighter. I fight here with Huor and he lends his sword, and I win the battle and the Orcs go to the Huorns and I call Gwai right here, and he carries me to Mount Doom, and I take the ring, and I realize I can't cast it into the mountain, so I have to call some beasts to bite it off my finger, so what do I call'em?

Abbott: Gollum? Oh, he's our shortstop.