What if "The Lord of the Rings"had been written by Tom Lehrer

Rickety Tickety Ring

by tiernadris

Rickety Tickety Ring
About a Ring I'll sing a song, sing "rickety tickety ring"
about a Ring I'll sing a song, who did not have it's owner's long.
Not only did it do them wrong,
It did every last one of them in, them in,
It did every last one of them in.

One day in a fit of pique, sing "rickety tickety ring"
One day in a fit of pique, it drowned King Isildur in the creek,
The water tasted bad for a week,
and the orcs had to make due with gin, with gin
And the orcs had to make due with gin

Gollum's friend, it could not stand, sing "rickety tickety ring"
Gollum's friend, it could not stand, and so arsenic fish one day Gollum planned
His friend died with a fish in his hand
And his face in a hideous grin, a grin
And his face in a hideous grin.

It weighted Gollum down like stones, sinf "rickety tickety Ring"
It weighted Gollum down like stones, and sent him off to Davy Jones
And all they ever found were some bones
And occasional pieces of skin, of skin
And occasional pieces of skin

It set Bilbo's hair on fire, sing "rickety tickety Ring"
It set Bilbo's hair on fire, and as the flames grew higher and higher
It gleamed 'round the funeral pyre
playing the tune of a violin, -olin
playing the tune of a violin

And as poor Frodo tried to run, sing "rickety tickety ring"
And as poor Frodo tried to run, the Nazgul shot Frodo with a gun,
And left his remains to dry in the sun,
And took the ring for himself, himself
And took the ring for himself.

When at last Lord Sauron came by, sing "rickety tickety ring"
When at last Lord Sauron came by, it's evil pranks it did not deny
For to do so, it would have to lie!
And lying it knew was a sin, a sin,
And lying it knew was a sin

My tragic tale I wont prolong, sing "rickety tickety Ring"
My tragic tale I won't prolong, and if you did not like my song,
You've yourselves to blame for it being so long!
You should have never let me begin, begin
You should never have let me begin