What if "The Lord of the Rings" Had Been Written as "Take the Money and Run"

Take the Money and Run

by dwmacg

Gandalf: The Lord of Darkness never sleeps. Even now, his eye is open, searching for the ring through all of Middle Earth. No place is safe from his spies.
Frodo: Who is this guy, anyway? J. Edgar Hoover?
G: The only way to destroy the ring is to cast it into the Cracks of Doom.
F: The Cracks of Doom? Sounds like my first three marriages.
G: Frodo, you must bear the ring to Mordor and destroy it.
F: Mordor? Oh no, not me. I’m not going to any evil kingdoms. I never leave Hobbiton. I get a rash just going down to Buckland. The last time I went to an evil kingdom and saved the world from unspeakable horror I spent the next two months quivering in bed like a jellyfish. My therapist says I have an unnatural fear of hideous torture. She says I have a coward complex. Oh no, you’ll have to find someone else to save the world. Why don’t you take it?
G: DO NOT TEMPT ME, FRODO BAGGINSTEIN! You must do this. The fate of the free world lies in your hands.
F: Oh, well, if it’s the fate of the free world, hehhh (faints).
….
[At the gates of Rivendell. Arwen opens slot in door. Outside are Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin, and Strider.]
A: What can I do for you?
F: Here, take this. [Hands note to A.]
A: [reading note] Let me in. I have the one ving.
F: Not ving, ring.
A: No, that’s definitely a v.
F: Look, I failed penmanship in the fifth grade. I have this thing about rs—they make me break out in hives.
A: Well, I’ll have to take this to the manager.
[Inside Elrond’s office. With him are Legolas, Gimli, and Gandalf.]
E: Hmm, looks like ving to me. What do you think, Legolas?
L: No, that’s an r.
Gimli: Let me see that…. No, that looks like a v.
F: Look, while we’re wasting our time here, the evil lord is gathering his forces to take over the free world. He’s got orcs and Nazi gulls and… and… and… really big mosquitoes. So if you don’t mind, I’m going to take that to Mordor and cast it into the Cracks of Doom.
[Boromir breaks into the office]
B: Here, give me that ring. I’m going to use it to save the free world.
F: Hey, don’t cut in line.
B: That ring belongs rightfully to the people of Gondor.
F: Gondor? Isn’t that somewhere in Jersey?
B: I demand that you give me the ring.
F: The complaint department is two doors down on the left. Now we were here first—you’ll just have to wait your turn to save the world.
B: Let’s take a vote.
F: A vote? You can’t vote on who you want to save the world.
B: OK, how many want to be saved by the halfling?
[No one raises his hand.]
F: Hey, what is this? A meeting of the anti-halfling league?
B: Who wants to be saved by the men of Gondor?
[All raise their hands.]
F: Hey wait, I demand a recount.
E: It is resolved, then. The ring goes to Boromir.
F: Who are you, Katherine Harris? I stole that ring fair and square. [Frodo grabs the ring and runs away. A comical chase ensues.]
....
F: How about that Galadriel, Sam? Ooh, I’d love to cover my naked body in chocolate sauce and have her lick it off me.
S: Frodo, what’s gotten into you? You know you can’t have her?
F: Why not?
S: She’s an elf, for one thing.
F: So? What’s wrong with dating outside your species? Cher does it all the time.
S: She’s married.
F: All right, so I’ll invite her husband along too.
S: She’s immortal. She’s been alive since the earliest days of creation.
F: What’s your point?
S: She’s sixty years younger than you, you pervert!
....
Galadriel: Would you like to look into my mirror, Ringbearer?
F: Would I ever....
G: Um, the mirror is over there.
F: Oh, sorry, it’s just that, um, I always confuse the elven word for mirror with breast. So what will I see in the mirror?
G: What the mirror reveals depends on who is looking.
F: I had a mirror like that once. It made me look like a Balrog on a bad hair day. [Looks in mirror.]
M: So there’s Mr. Hotshot Ringbearer, who’s too busy with all his important work to call his mother.
F: Ma, what are you doing there?
M: How else is a mother supposed to talk to her only son.
F: Ma, you’re dead. You drowned in the Brandywine. I always told you not to drink that stuff.
M: Oh, so just because I’m dead you think you’re too high and mighty to talk to me. If your father were alive it would kill him to hear that. So what’s this I hear about you and that goyish elf.
F: [whispering] Not now, Ma, she’s standing right behind me.
M: What’s the matter with you anyway? Why can’t you find a nice Hobbit girl? What about that Proudfoot girl?
F: Ma, her feet were bigger than her breasts. If we had kids, they would’ve suckled her toes.
M: Frodo, they’re calling me. I’ve got to go. If you want to ruin your life by going to Mordor and saving the world, don’t let your mother stop you. I’ll just sit here alone in the dark. But [voice fading] don’t forget to wear your galoshes.
[The mirror goes blank. Cut to Frodo. Suddenly, we see his eyes grow and he steps back in horror.]
F: No! They can’t do that to the Shire!
G: Frodo, what is it? Fire, death, destruction?
F: Even worse! They’re selling pastrami on white bread at Morry’s. With… with… with ketchup! I’ve got to go back!
G: No! Frodo, the mirror shows what was, what is, and what may yet come to pass. But if we try to change it, we may bring on even worse evil.
F: You mean….
G: Yes, Frodo.
F: Strawberry bagels? With sprinkles?!!
…
[At the top of Mt. Doom]
S: Frodo, you must cast the ring into the fire. The fate of the free world hangs in the balance.
F: Hey, what has the free world ever done for me. [Puts on ring. Suddenly, we see the Eye casting its glance towards him.] Wow, I bet he never loses his contacts. [We see the Nazi gulls swooping in towards him.] Sure, they’re evil and immortal and all that, but I’ll bet they’ve never read a book. [Gollum sneaks up from behind and bites off his ring finger.] Hey! Come back with that! That’s one of my ten favorite fingers! [Gollum falls into the Cracks of Doom.] Never mind. I never had much luck with rings anyway.
S: Frodo, you did it! You saved the free world!
F: Oh, well, hey, I always try to save the free world before lunch. [Faints.]