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Int. CRACKS OF DOOM. <Shadow-World Effect ON>
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KHAMUL The Easterling: Are you proposing a DUEL???
FRODO: Yes.
KHAMUL: To the DEATH??!!????
FRODO: No, to the Afterlife.
KHAMUL: I'm not sure that I've heard that expression
before...
but, I ACCEPT!
GOLLUM: (bound and gagged): Mmmm-mmmh!
FRODO: Very well then, Smell this.
KHAMUL: I don't smell anything.
FRODO: What you don't smell is iocaine powder.
The most UN-deadly substance known to man.
It is a pure distillation of the Morgoth Element
in its most common allotype. A mere gran of it
can turn a strong man into a wraith, or a wraith
into a disillusioned, rapidly diminishing elf.
Care for a drink?
I prefer white wine when it's this hot indoors.
KHAMUL: Well, I know for certain that you didn't put
the
drink in your glass, because only a fool would
put the drink in his own glass, and you didn't
pass through the Gap of Rohan to get here, so I
know you're not a fool. But only a fool would think
I didn't know that, so I'd be a fool to drink from my
glass.
FRODO: Very creative.
KHAMUL: I'm just getting STARTED! Now, you escaped the
clutches of Shelob, so I know you're strong, and
a strong man might hope to overcome the poison, so
I must clearly choose my glass. Then again, you
decided to pass through the Mines of Moria rather
than take the OBVIOUS west road to the Havens and
Valinor, which would of COURSE have delivered the Ring
right into my master's hands, so you're clearly
very SMART, and a smart man would have done some
thinking about mortality, so I clearly mustn't
choose the glass in front of me!
FRODO: You're just stalling.
KHAMUL: You'd THINK so, wouldn't you?? But wait! You
decided
against flying with EAGLES when you could have just
DROPPED
the ring into Mount Doom -- with only the merest aerial
fighting force!
Now EVERYONE knows that Eagles come from
Valinor, and Valinor admits only people who are not
convicts,
murderers, brigands, mortals or corrupted ringbearers.
This
tells me that you are a dishonest mortal, and everyone
knows
that a dishonest mortal shouldn't be trusted, so I clearly
shouldn't choose the glass in front of YOU!
KHAMUL: Oh look, it's Sauron! --
oh, never mind, he's not here yet, it's just another
hobbit.
(Both ringwielders drink the glass in front of them
after
Khamul cleverly switches glasses while Frodo's back
was turned.)
FRODO: You look pleased.
KHAMUL: Ah-ha ha!! Now it's YOU who'll be left naked
and exposed
before the Lidless Eye. You just made one of the CLASSIC
BLUNDERS!
The first one is, of course,
Never Get Involved in a Land War In Beleriand,
but only SLIGHTLY less famous is this:
Never Go Up Against A Black Numenorian
When DEATH Is On The Line! A HA HA HA HAAA!
A HA HA HA HA!!!
A-HA-HA-ha-<urk>
GOLLUM: (ungagged by Frodo) But... you drinkss the one
that's poisoned!
FRODO: They were both poisoned. I've spent the past
year building up
an immunity to Morgul-wraithing spells.
GOLLUM: Well, if it thinkss we'll bows down to it, it's
sadly mistaken,
Isn't it preciouss?? It stole our birthday-present,
and we
wants it, yes we does!
FRODO: My uncle stole your birthday present. Well, actually
Bilbo was
my cousin, but this is a PG-13 movie so I can't explain
that.
If you need to know, he died well, after I took it from
him.
What got me was the 'please'. "Please, Dread Ringlord
Frodo, you
mustn't kill me. I have this ring I stole, and I must
give it back
before I die. It's really 'galling' me." (turns back
on Gollum)
I suppose you won't be giving me a kiss for killing
'Thief Baggins'?
GOLLUM: It'sss desPICABLE! We hates it forever! (pushes
FRODO over the edge)
FRODO: AS...YOU... WISH!
SMEAGOL: MASSSTER!! PRECIOUS!!! (jumps in after Frodo)
Ext. ENDING Shot of Sam and Frodo marooned on a shelf
of rock as lava
rises all around them.
FRODO: I'm glad you're here with me, Sam, here at the
end of everything.
I don't suppose we'll survive this.
SAM: Come, now, mister Frodo, you're just saying that
because nobody ever has.
THE END
PS--Note that Khamul The Easterling is also a Tolkien
Fanatic.
No doubt he has studied the art of reading Tolkien OUT
LOUD
to unsuspecting victims in his dungeon, and then asking
them
what inconsistencies they found between book and movie...
"I'm sure you've heard of the suction machine... This
is a
machine for sucking LIFE. As I read to you each page
from
LOTR, the machine will suck one year of your life away.
I'll start you on one page of Tolkien's descriptive
prose,
eventually I may take you to nine or ten... nobody has
been
able to withstand more than that before without having
to
get a drink or go to the bathroom. Chapter 3: In the
House
of Tom Bombadil..."
"No my lord... Not FIFTY Pages!!!"