What if "The Lord of the Rings"had been written as "A Night at the Opera."

"A Night at the Mordor" Starring Froucho, Sammo, Tooko and Bucko

by BMalion

Froucho: I say Nob...
Nob: Yes, sir.
Froucho: What have we got for dinner?
Nob: Anything you like, sir. You might have some hobbit wine, dwarf wine, elf wine,
orc wine...
Froucho: Hey - stop whining before I send you to your room. All right, let me have one of each.
And, uh, two fried eggs, two poached eggs, two scrambled eggs, and two medium-boiled eggs.
Sammo (requested through the door): And two hard-boiled eggs.
Froucho: And two hard-boiled eggs.
Tooko: (signaling another egg order with his horn of Rhohan): HONK!
Froucho: Make that three hard-boiled eggs...and, uh, some roast boar: rare, medium, well-done,
and overdone.
Sammo (repeating his order): And two hard-boiled eggs.
Froucho: And two hard-boiled eggs.
Tooko: HONK (signaling an amended order)!
Froucho: Make that three hard-boiled eggs....and, uh, eight pieces of Lembas pastry.
Sammo (repeating his order): And two hard-boiled eggs.
Froucho: And two hard-boiled eggs.
Tooko: HONK!
Froucho: Make that three hard-boiled eggs.
Tomasso: HONK! (a shorter honk)
Froucho: And one duck egg. Uh, have you got any stewed rabbits?
Nob: Yes, sir.
Froucho: Well, give 'em some black coffee, that'll sober 'em up!
Sammo (requesting his order a fourth time): And two hard-boiled eggs.
Froucho: And two hard-boiled eggs.

After over a dozen more honks from Tooko a dozen more hard-boiled egg orders are made. Froucho
ends the order by asking the servant a question…

Froucho: Is any tipping allowed at the Inn.
Nob: (eagerly) Yes it is.
Froucho: Do you have has two silver-pieces for a gold piece?
Nob: Yes sir!
Froucho: Well, then, you won't need the two groats I was gonna give you.

back inside the stateroom, Froucho angrily reprimands the simple-minded Sammo for promising to be quiet:

Froucho: If that servant is deaf and dumb, he'll never know you're in here.
Sammo: Oh, sure, that's all right.

A persistent procession of people from the Inn's staff parade into Froucho's tiny shoebox room no bigger than a closet. Already crowded with four individuals (Sammo, Tooko and Bucko, and Froucho himself), he takes a perverse pleasure in encouraging each new intruder to enter:

Strider: I'm a ranger.
Froucho: Are you alone?
Strider: Yes.
Froucho: So you're the Lone Ranger! How's Tonto?

(Individuals # 6-7) Two chambermaids to make up the room
(they later prop up Tooko).
Froucho encourages them to enter: "Come on in, girls, and leave all hope behind."

(individual # 8) an obviously pregnant hobbit-lass: "Hi, my name's Merry."
Froucho: Sorry, there's no room at the Inn. (slams door)

(Individual # 9) Another servant to light the fireplace. He bends down to light the fire and as he does so his pants creep lower.
Froucho: Hey! I think I see the crack of doom.

(Individual # 10) A manicurist to trim Froucho's nails.
Froucho: I hadn't planned on a manicure, but I think on a quest like this, you ought to have every convenience you can get...You'd better make 'em short. It's getting kind of crowded in here.

(Individual # 11) The fireplace-lighter's large assistant.

(Individual # 12) Smeagol: Can I look for my ring in here?
Froucho: Well, come in and look in the washroom, I saw a ring in the bathtub.

(Individual # 13) Lord of the Nazgul: I'm looking to break ssssome nasssty hobbitsssss.
Froucho: Well quit smoking and don't bite your nails.

(Individuals # 14-22) yet more Nazguls: Isss our leader here?
Froucho: Well c'mon in and look, if he isn't I'm sure you can find someone just as good.

A large number of staff servants bearing trays loaded with egg orders and dinner.

Each of the 29 occupants that are entangled together must find space in a nook or cranny of the miniscule stateroom. The grande dame, Mrs. Galadriel shows up in her finest costume and opens the door, letting loose the above-mentioned people in an avalanching torrent of bodies into the corridor.