What if "The Lord of the Rings"had been written as The Matrix

"The Lord of the Matrix"

by Macadamia (Oooh)

Orc lieutenant: I dispatched a band of Uruk-hai. Eastward across the plain. They're bringing the hobbits back now.
Saruman: No, lieutenant, your orcs are already dead.

Bilbo: Have you ever had that feeling, Gandalf? Where you’re not quite sure if you’re just spread out like butter over too much bread?
Gandalf: Yeah, all the time. It's called Ring-bearing. It's the only way to fly. Hey it sounds to me like you just need to unplug man, you know? Get some R&R?

Aragorn: [on a cell phone, calling from the other side of the Pracing Pony] Do you know who this is?
Frodo: Strider.
Aragorn: Yes. I've been looking for you, Frodo, but unfortunately you and I have run out of time. They're coming for you, Frodo, and I don't know what they're going to do.
Frodo: Who's coming for me?
Aragorn: Stand up and see for yourself.
Frodo: What? Now?
Aragorn: Yes, now. Do it slowly. The elevator.
[Frodo sees 3 Nazgul at the door.]
Frodo: Oh shit!
Aragorn: Yyyyeeeessss.

Aragorn: Ooh, squiddy’s sweeping in quick.
Frodo: Squiddy?
Aragorn: Nazgul, ringwraiths. Killing machines designed for one thing. Search and destroy.

Gandalf: Bilbo? The Bilbo? The one who beat the crap out of that dragon Smaug? Jesus.
Bilbo: What?
Gandalf: I just thought... you were older.
Bilbo: Most wizards do.

Gandalf: Most of my fellowship you already know. This is Aragorn, Legolas, and Boromir. The little one behind you is Gimli.

Balrog: The great Gandalf. We meet at last.
Gandalf: And you are?
Balrog: A Balrog. Agent Balrog.
Gandalf: You all look the same to me!

Galadriel: I'd ask you to sit down, but you're not going to anyway. And don't worry about the mirror.
Frodo: What mirror? [Frodo knocks Galadriel's mirror off its table, spilling water everywhere.]
Galadriel: That mirror.

Boromir: Not like this. Not like this.

Saruman: Have you ever stood and stared at it, Gandalf? Marveled at its beauty? Its genius? ... Evolution, Gandalf. Evolution. Like the Ent-wives.

Gimli: So what do you need? Besides a miracle.
Legolas: Arrows. Lots of arrows.