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FADE IN:
Frodo awakens in Rivendell. We cut to a wide shot of
an Elven-lord ho has just entered. It is then revealed
that two of the three players are Gandalf and Sam. They
stand to attention, red faced with embarrassment.
ELROND
I hope I am not interrupting. Comfortable, Frodo?
FRODO
I've been out cold for forty-eight hours, got a Morgul-blade
stuck in my shoulder, can feel a case of the flu coming
on and . . .
ELROND
(interrupts)
All right, all right, don't think I wouldn't like to
get rid of you; but before I do, I need to know what's
going on, son.
FRODO
If you think you're in the dark, I am in a black hole,
blindfolded.
DISSOLVE TO BLACK. THE MUSIC STARTS.
[We pull back out of he black to reveal that we have
been sitting in the inside of a RING. The RING recedes
further, to show a good view of MOUNT DOOM. THE ONE
RING are shot out of the top of the screen in smoky
letters. We wait for a while, as RING reappears through
the smoke. We then see one more volcanic explosion AND
TWO SMOKING TOWERS joins the sentence.]
EXT. FARMER MAGGOT'S FIELD (FLASHBACK] - DAY
We open on a casually dressed Hobbit standing just outside
the corn field. A crowd has gathered, motivated no doubt
by the alarming volume of pilfered vegetables in his
arms.
MERRY
See these carrots, they've never seen daylight, moonlight,
elven-light, Lobelia-by-the-fire-light. If you can't
see value here today you're not up here shopping, you're
up here stealing. Take a bag, take a bag. I took a bag,
I took a bag home last night and she cost a lot more
than ten shillings I can tell ya. Tell me if I am going
too cheap. Not ninety, not eighty, not forty, half that
and half that again, that's right, ten shillings. Don't
think 'cos it's sealed up it's an empty sack. The only
hobbit who sells empty sacks is Tom Sandyman, and by
the look of some of you here today I would make more
money with me measuring tape.
A well-dressed, zealous characer (FRODO) appears from
behind the crowd chinking silver coins in his hands.
It seems he can't wait to get rid of them.
PIPPIN
Bargain, that's a bloody bargain if I ever heard one.
Ten shillings you say? I'll have five.
MERRY
Certainly sir. I'll just wrap.
Changing his attention.
MERRY
Excuse me misses, sorry sir, ladies first and all that.
A visiting hobbit from Bree, rather than a buyer, has
been put on the spot. She fumbles through purse bag
hastily all too aware of the attention of the crowd,
of which she is now the focus. She passes her money
like it's contaminated. Others follow suit.
Buy 'em, you better buy 'em; they're not stolen, they
just never been paid for.
This really stokes the fire. The money can't come fast
enough. Just as business reaches its peak there is a
call of alarm from the first enthusiastic punter, who
seems to be rather more familiar than he first pretended.
PIPPIN
Merry!
MERRY's expression changes dramatically. A series of
crash zooms between Pippin's, Merry's and a third party's
eyes (Farmer Maggott) reveal there is a problem. They're
off: MERRY and PIPPIN run like they have done this before.
They go down an slope; Pippin jumps some pumpkins, we
freeze.
MERRY
(voice-over)
Pippin can run fast, talk fast, eat fast, and spot mushrooms
fast, but he's fucking slow when it comes to spotting
Maggott's dogs.
PIPPIN
(voice-over)
The reason he is called Merry is he spent so much of
his youth toked up on hobbit weed that people thought
he was naturally jolly. But he is a big boy now and
it is time to move on.
We cut to a shot of Pippin as he lands. He has made
good distance.
INT. CRICKHOLLOW - MORNING
Pippin arrives at Crickhollow. We meet Frodo. Frodo
is talking to Fatty Bolger.
FRODO
What are you talking about? I am bloody skinny, pal.
FATTY
Of course you are. All right, Pippin.
PIPPIN
Good old Fatty, always a pleasure. All right Frodo,
what you been eating?
Frodo examines his midriff and adopts a confused expression.
Frodo
Please, both join me in my orifice.
INT. CRICKHOLLOW HALLWAY - DAY
They work their way past a maze of boxes.
FATTY
(fingering and admiring one of the boxes)
How much did you say it was, Frodo?
FRODO
You know how much it is, Fatty.
FATTY
And that does include the ring?
FRODO
You know it doesn't include the ring.
INT. CRICKHOLLOW KITCHEN -AFTERNOON
Frodo and Pippin make their way through a busy, well-equipped
kitchen. This is obviously a typical hobbit kitchen.
They stop in front of the hobbit whose apron is covered
in blood; he appears to be a good cook. Meet Samwise.
PIPPIN
What have you come as?
SAM
Cupid stupid! That's the last time I am getting any
more taters off you Pippin. Call that fresh? There was
more small hairy armoured things in your taters than
there was taters. You should open a butcher's, not a
grocer's.
PIPPIN
If you will order stuff that comes from Farmer-Fucking-Maggott's
fields, don't be surprised if your taters pick up a
few tourists en route. Never mind that, what about the
ring?
SAM
OI! Get your fingers out of my coney!
SLOW MOTION
FRODO pulls out a ring on a chain from under his homespun
shirt.
PIPPIN
(voice-over)
Samwise is called Sam because despite what his name
says, he is far from wise. He is proud of his job as
Frodo's gardener, and even more proud that it's legal.
[RELEASE SLOW MOTION]
PIPPIN looks at ring.
PIPPIN
Are you sure you can make it to Rivendell?
SAM
Well that depends on how you look at it. We can make
it if we don't meet Dark Riders on the way, if that's
what you mean. You going to come along with us?
FRODO looks on with suspicion.
FRODO
Who's this us, then?
PIPPIN
Merry, Sam and myself, and it's time to make a visit
to Bree.