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A dank basement. Rufus, a short african-american man,
has fallen from the sky. He sits at a table with Dungeons
and Dragons equipment. With him are Bethany, Jay, and
Silent Bob. Silent Bob reads a comic book.
BETHANY: Now how about you start explaining some things
to me.
RUFUS: Like what?
BETHANY: Like - for starters - who the hell are those
kids that keep attacking me?
RUFUS: Nasty little bastards called the Ringwraiths.
They're not really related. When they were alive they
were Kings of Men who were given Rings of Power. But
Sauron decevied them, and now they walk the earth.
BETHANY: So they're dead too?
RUFUS: You'd be surprised how many dead people are just
walking around. Thing is, those kids are supposed to
be in Mordor-what’s left of it, anyway. Which means
that someone wants you out of the picture so badly they're
willing to summon Ringwraiths.
BETHANY: Is it those two midgets I'm supposed to stop?
RUFUS: Couldn't be. They're not evil - they're just
stupid.
JAY (to Bethany):Wait a minute - are you going to listen
to this
shit? We don't even know who this guy is. For all you
know, he's in with those fucks. They both showed up
at the same time.
BETHANY: I hate to say it - but he does have a point.
How did you know where to find us?
RUFUS: You know what the Elves do with most of their
time? They watch the living. Especially in the shower.
BETHANY: And why are you watching me?
RUFUS: Because you're the one who's going to help me
get some changes made in that book you all hold so much
stock in.
JAY: The Monster Manual?
RUFUS: Tolkien.
_
BETHANY: What's your beef with LOTR?
RUFUS: I'm not in it.
JAY: Neither are any of us, but you don't hear us bitching.
RUFUS: But I'm supposed to be in it. I was the Tenth
Member of the Fellowship.
BETHANY: I’ve been visiting TORN my whole life and I’ve
never heard of a Tenth Member of the Fellowship.
RUFUS: See? You know all about the other nine members-
white boys, I might add. But no mention of Rufus. And
why? Cause I'm black. A black hobbit, no less. But that's
just my pet peeve. I mainly want to correct a major
error that you people are basing an unhealthy obsession
on.
BETHANY: What's that?
RUFUS: Frodo wasn't white; he was black.
JAY: Bullshit. I've seen that movie, plus all the Alan
Lee/John Howe/Hildebrant drawings, and he has black
hair and blue eyes.
RUFUS: That's what's particularly insulting. Between
the time when Frodo left for the Undying Lands and Tolkien
discovered the Red Book of Westmark, the powers-that-be
decided that while the message ofthe War of the Ring
was integral, the fact that the Ringbearer was black
was a detriment. So all renderings were ordered to be
Eurocentric, even though the brother was blacker than
Sauron himself.
BETHANY: If that's true, then why'd he get written about
while you were left out?
RUFUS: Well, he is the Ringbearer, right? It's kind
of hard to have the Lord of the Rings without him. So
you fudge a few facts and put a spin on his ethnicity.
Leaving me out's okay because there's still nine Fellowshippers
to choose from.
_
JAY: I don't buy it.
RUFUS: That's what the good people of Bree were saying
when they stoned my ass.
BETHANY: You were murdered?
RUFUS: That's one way of putting it. Another way is
to say I was bludgeoned to shit by stale lembas. See
- Aragon told us surviving ‘Shippers to go out into
the world and spread Frodo’s story. Bree was already
garnering a big following, so I got sent there. And
was a big hit. They loved hearing about Frodo the Ringbearer
and Samwise The Brave. But when I mentioned Frodo was
black, the whole town turned on me - called me a liar
and shit. I pressed the point, and before I know it,
I'm wearing elf food - although not to accessorize.
BETHANY: Why didn't you just let the point go when you
saw how they were reacting?
RUFUS: Because it's part of the facts. White folks only
want to hear the good shit: Gollum/Smeagol, big spider,
Helm’s Deep As soon as they hear they're getting all
this from a black Ringbearer, they freak. And that -
my friends - is called Hypocrisy. Folks just can't accept
a black Savior.
(to Silent Bob)
You gonna read that ?
BETHANY: So you went to the Undying Lands?
RUFUS: Shit yeah; it was the least Elrond could do.
I gave up my sheep and followed his ass around Mordor
for months. And in all that time, did I ever get laid?
Hell no! Gollum woulda gotten loose if I hadn’t been
ther. Sam was too much of a pussy to keep that sucker
on a leash, if you follow me. But I didn't bitch, because
I was into Frodo’s quest and the message behind it.
And while the message is what counts, folks should know
that he was black. That's why I'm going to help you
find stop those angels from getting to that church in
exchange for you helping me with my campaign.
BETHANY: How do you know about that?
RUFUS: The Undying Lands are a pretty boring place,
and anything that
breaks the tedium is news. The unmaking of existence
is what you might consider a great tedium-breaker. Besides,
there isn't much I don't know about you.
BETHANY: I find that hard to believe.
RUFUS: When you were thirteen you let a guy fuck you
in exchange for a copy of Amazing Stories 15.
_
JAY: (shocked) You did that? (pause) First appearance
of Spider-Man. Niiiiceee.