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THE COUNCIL OF ELROND...
Frodo: Hey bitches, this is my hetero life partner Silent
Samwise. He's a tubby bitch.
Pippin: I'll take that ring to mordor with you, then
light up a fat chronic blunt, yo!
Gimli: Hobbit goes into fellowship, fellowship goes
into Mordor. Evil in Mordor, our evil. We're gonna need
a bigger boat.
Boromir: Do you think the Uruk-hai really deserve to
die? They'd be innocent victims of a war they had nothing
to do with. Do you think the average Orc knows anything
about installing a toilet main?
Legolas: I'll never allow a cock-smoking dwarf to take
that ring without the help of a mutha fuckin elf, bitch.
Gandalf: The black gate is guarded by La Fours. You
don't know La Fours? He don't know La Fours (to Pippen).
He's only the most feared security guard. I hear he's
got two kills!
Arawen: Who's leading this mob? Oh, you? Let's see some
credentials Gandalf. Slowly! Oh, you're a wizard? Oh,
and I bet you're stirring up all this anti-Saruman sentiment
so that you can be a white wizard and lead your order?
Get out of here, and think twice before you pelt an
innocent hobbit with cigarettes.
Frodo: Goddamn she's hot, ain't that right silent samwise?
Hey lady, you ever had your asshole licked by a fat
hobbit with some elven rope?
Pippen: Hey, look at Frodo, he can't even walk! Hey
don't give the ring to Frodo, he sucks!
Frodo: What you think you're better than me?
Pippen: I know I am.
Frodo: Well get up here and prove it.
Roof-hockey ensues and Pippen throws the ring into the
woods of Rivendell...
Frodo: What did you do that for?
Pippen: ...
Frodo: Merry, get us another ring.
Merry: I brought the One ring, and.... uh.... the One
ring.
Frodo: Dammit! That was wasn't a quest! That was hardly
an adventure!
Pippen: Well, if you left the Shire for a hockey game,
why don't you leave it to go to Mordor? You cock-smokin'
Clerk
Silent Samwise: There's a million beautiful women out
there, but only a few of them will give up immortality
for you. Most of them just cheat on you and shit.