What if "The Lord of the Rings" Had Been Written as "It's a Wonderful Life"

Its' a Wonderful Ring - Frank Capra

by paparush

Sauron- Frodo..sit down my boy.

Frodo - Well, I'm sure I'll find out soon enough, but just what did you want to see me about?

Sauron - <chuckling>Frodo my boy, that's what I've always liked about you. Frodo...I'm an ancient spirit and most creatures hate me. But I don't like them either, so that makes it all even. You know I run practically everything in Middle Earth but the Shire. You mustknow that for a number of years I've tried to get control of it..or destroy it. But, I haven't been able to do it. You keep stopping me...in fact, you have beaten me, which anyone East of Rivendell can tell you takes some doing. You have the Shire, I have all the rest.

Frodo-Most hobbits say you stole all the rest.

Sauron- The envious one say that Frodo...the SUCKERS! Now, I've stated my side quite frankly. Now, lets look at your side. A young hobbit, 55 -60, single and living in Bag End...saving maybe 40 gold pieces a week.

Frodo- Forty Five!!!

Sauron-Forty five...forty five. Out of which, after paying taxes, paying that fat gardener of yours, and supporting your uncle, your able to save 10, if you scrimp. If this hobbit was an ordinary, bushy footed hobbit I'd say he is doing allright. But Frodo Baggins isn't an ordinary hobbit. He is a smart, hardworking being who hates the Shire almost a much as I do. A young hobbit who is trapped; trapped playing nurse maid to a bunch of Brandybucks. Do I paint a correct picture, or do I exaggerate?

Frodo- Well, what's your point?

Sauron-My point? My point is I want to hire you.

Frodo- Hire me???

Sauron- Bear my ring...exert my will..share my evil dominion. Frodo, I'll start you out with a Ring of Power...!!

Frodo-Ring of pow....ring of power?

Sauron- You wouldn't mind lording over the Nazgul? Cracking the whip on legions of orcs? Trips to Gondor a couple of time a year? The lands in the West every now and then?

Frodo- Would I.... You're not talking to somebody else?? This is me, remember me? Frodo Baggins..

Sauron- Frodo Baggins...Frodo Baggins who's ship has just com in...provided he has the brains to get aboard.

Frodo- Well, what about the shire?

Sauron- Confound it you pipeweed smoking moron! Are you afraid of success? I'm offering you an eternal contract, starting today!! Is thi a deal or isn't it?

Frodo- I know I should jump at the chance, but I wonder if I might have 24 hours to think it over?

Sauron- Sure..sure. You go on home and talk it over with you man servant. In the meantime I'll get the ring sized. Ok Frodo?

Frodo- Ok Sauron.

Frodo stops..puzzled..looks at his hand ...

Frodo- Wait a minute...no..no..I don't have to talk to my man servant...I don't need 24 hours. I know what the answer is..and its no. NO! Doggone it..You sit up here in this evil tower and you spin your little webs of world domination. You think the whole world revolves around you and your rings! But it doesn't. In the whole vast configuration of things I'd say you were nothing more than a SCURVY LITTLE SPIDER!!!

Sauron- Ummm...no, that would be Shelob...though I wouldn't describe her as little!