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(The setting: a small office somewhere in Barad-Dur. Eight NAZGUL are seated at desks, frantically making phone calls in the twilight. An ORC FLUNKY sits at the front of the table, shuffling papers. One of the Nazgul, the WITCH KING, gets up and approaches the flunky.)
Witch King: These leads are weak. "Shire?" "Baggins?" What's that supposed to mean? What about the good leads, the Lothlorien leads?
Orc Flunky: I don’t make the rules. I’m paid to run the office. You don’t like the rules, Shel, there’s the door. Now sit down, the conference is about to start.
(A large imposing figure, SAURON, enters the room. He is wearing an expensive Armani shroud.)
Sauron: Is everybody here?
Orc Flunky: All but one.
Sauron: Well I'm going anyway. (To the Nazgul) Let's talk about something important. The good news is: you're fired. The bad news is: all of you've got just one week to regain your jobs starting with tonight. Oh, have I got your attention now? Good. 'Cause we're adding a little something to this month's contest. As you all know, first prize is a brand-new fell beast with all the options. Second prize is a set of steak knives. Third prize is you're fired.
Do you get the picture? You laughing now? You've got leads. You can't close the leads you're given, you can't close s***, you are s***, hit the bricks pal and beat it 'cause you are going out! Nice guy? I don't give a sh**. Good king? F*** you. Go home and play with your subjects. You wanna work here? Get those hobbits!
Witch King: But I need some good leads. Just a couple of leads, ya see what I'm saying? A little boost to turn the streak around. Am I right?