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BLACK SCREEN
The wind of the plains moans sadly. From somewhere within the wind comes the tinkly, syrupy-sweet sounds of the Hobbits singing "My Favorite Things." A series of sepia images of anti-Sauron protests from 3,000 years ago appear one after another on the screen.
In the violently scrawled style of Ralph Steadman, the title FEAR AND LOATHING IN GONDOR splashes onto the screen. A beat, and then it runs down and off revealing:
TITLE: "He who makes a beast of himself Gets rid of the pain Of being a man." Dr. Johnson
The voice of GANDALF 'THE GRAY' -- a.k.a. 'THE WHITE':
GANDALF (V/O) We were somewhere around the Shire at the edge of the farmlands when the drugs began to take hold.
AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
An old four-wheeled wooden wagon -- THE CRATE -- wipes the black screen.
EXT. ON THE ROAD TO MT. DOOM - DAY
AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
THE CRATE plods down the beaten dirt path at about 13 miles an hour. THE STONES' "Sympathy For the Devil" blares.
AT THE WHEEL
STRANGELY STILL AND TENSE, GANDALF 'THE WHITE' DRIVES -- SKELETAL, ALE IN HAND -- STARES STRAIGHT AHEAD.
BESIDE HIM, FACE TURNED TO THE SUN, EYES CLOSED BENEATH THE HOOD OF HIS ELVEN CLOAK, IS HIS SWARTHY AND UNNERVINGLY UNPREDICTABLE HOBBIT FRIEND, DR. BILBO.
The music pounds GANDALF stares straight ahead. BILBO froths up a can of beer - uses it as shaving foam.
GANDALF (V/O) I remember saying something like: "I feel a bit lightheaded. Maybe you should drive..."
BILBO starts shaving.
GANDALF (V/O) Suddenly there was a terrible roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all swooping and screeching and diving around the car...
Close on GANDALF -- shadows flutter across his face. The reflections of dragons swirl within his eyes. We push in close to one eye ball -- SCREECHING SWIRLING BAT-LIKE DRAGON SHAPES!
AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
GANDALF (V/O) ... and a voice was screaming: Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn animals?
CUT TO WIDE SHOT OF CRATE -
GANDALF, eyes rigid, flails at the air. No bats anywhere. BILBO casually looks over...
BILBO What are you yelling about?
GANDALF pulls to the side of the road. The sudden wrench makes BILBO nick his face with his razor.
GANDALF Never mind. It's your turn to drive.
GANDALF (V/O) No point mentioning these bats. I thought. The poor bastard will see them soon enough.
GANDALF hops out of the car, keeping an eye out for dragons, frantically opens the trunk to reveal what looks like AN APOTHECARY KIT. GANDALF desperately rifles through the impressive stash.
GANDALF (V/O) We had two bags of grass, seventy- five eyes of next, five sheets of high powered faerie acid, a salt shaker half full of snuff, a whole galaxy of fireworks: multi- colored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers... Also a quart of dwarven spirits, a quart of rum, a case of ale, a pint of raw ether and two dozen shrooms.
GANDALF, eyes darting madly as he hears what sounds like the SHRIEKS OF BATS returning, grabs an assortment along with another pipe full of weed - slams the apothecary kit shut and dives back into the wagon.
GANDALF (V/O) Not that we needed all that for the trip, but once you get locked into a serious drug collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can.
THE CRATE SLOWLY PLODS INTO THE DISTANCE... on the ground, weakly flapping is a SEMI-SQUASHED, SLOWLY DYING ANIMAL... A BAT?
EXT. FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD TO MT. DOOM - DAY
IN THE CRATE
BILBO grips the reins - stares maniacally down the road - a lousy driver.
GANDALF (V/O) The only thing that really worried me was the ether. There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible and depraved than a mage in the depths of an ether binge. And I knew we'd get into that rotten stuff pretty soon.
BILBO sings - washes a couple of pills back with a new ale. The CRATE fishtails.
BILBO "One toke over the line, sweet Jesus."
GANDALF (muttering to himself) One toke. You poor fool. Wait till you see those goddamn bats.
UP AHEAD - AT THE SIDE OF THE DESERTED ROAD
A LONE HITCHHIKER spots them, jumps up and sticks out a thumb. The CRATE rocks past. Then, fifty yards down the road...
BILBO Let's give that boy a lift.
BILBO yanks on the reins - THE CRATE swerves to the side of the road.
GANDALF We can't stop here - this is bat country!