What if "The Lord of the Rings" Had Been Written as "Dr. Strangelove"

Dr Gandalf (or How I learned stop worrying and love the ring)

by Duncan

Theoden's Hall in Rohan
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GANDALF: Hail Theoden, son of Thengil.

(Gandalf points at Grima Wormtongue.)

GANDALF: Aha! A filthy spy for Saruman. Have it ye.

(Gandalf charges forward but is restrained by Halmer.)

HALMER: Gandalf, war is brewing. This is no time to be fighting.

(Gandalf backs off grudgingly.)

THEODEN: We will hear you out wizard, but do not weary our ears with bad news. We wish peace for us and our people.

GANDALF: Lord Theoden. How can you sit there talking of peace? Think of our place in the history books.

GRIMA: Perhaps we should be more concerned with the people of Rohan, than our place in the history books.

(Aragorn draws Anduril and flourishes the blade.)

ARAGORN: Nonsense! Ve must attack at vonce. All ze enemies of Gondor must be crushed, and subjugated. V'one Middle Earth, v'one people, v'one King.

(Aragorn's other arm snatches Anduril, and sheathes the blade again. It then slaps him in the face a few times and restrains the hand that originally drew the blade.)

(Enter Gwyhir the great eagle)

GWYHIR: Dark tiding to relate Gandalf if you will hear them.

(There is a muttered condeference between Gandalf and Gwyhir.)

GANDALF: Ah, it appears we may have a problem. I think we might need to get in contact with Saruman. Can he hear me with his palantir Grima?

GRIMA: He can, and can make his voice heard by others if he so chooses.

GANDALF: Excellent. Hello Saruman, how are you? You're good. Well that's good. I'm good too. We're all good. Now I've got a bit of bad news for you. A couple of the hobbits in our fellowship - good hobbits...best we have...have...ahhh...gone a bit funny. Y'know, just funny. And, well, they've done a very silly thing. The thing is they've, now don't get upset, they've gone and got the ents they're with to attack your city, and grind it into the dust....no...don't take your hands away from the stone, I'm not finished.

(Gandalf waves his hands about in the air a little.)

GANDALF: Well, look, I know you're upset, we're all upset. This is a friendly message. If it weren't friendly you wouldn't be getting it. Do you think I just called you up for a chat? Now, don't be like that. Of course I like chatting to you Saruman. Yeah, and your uruk hai too. But...what's that...the ents are arriving...well good luck...