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EXT. FIELD – DAY
FRODO and SAM are sitting, taking a breather from their long journey.
FRODO
No way. It would never happen!
SAM
Why not?
FRODO
Because Superman doesn’t swing that way. I think it’s a big point that in the
history of DC comics, they’ve never made a “Supes is Gay” story.
SAM
Be that as it may, I think the creators of Smallville have decided to forego
established comics continuity in favor of a more risqué relationship between
Lex and Clark. I mean, Christ, it’s the new millennium. It was bound to happen
sooner or later.
FRODO
How did I go from waxing intellectual about the merits of this foolhardy quest
to discussing the very secret life of Clark and Lex?
Pippen and Silent Merry enter from behind rows of corn.
PIPPEN
(off FRODO)
Look at this confused motherfucker over here. What’s got your panties in a bunch,
Charlie Brown?
FRODO
Oh great. Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumber.
PIPPEN
(to Silent Merry)
Heh. He called you Dumb.
Later on…
INT. BALIN’S TOMB
A distant rumble can be heard over the sound of drums. FRODO pulls Sting partly
out of its scabbard. Sting GLOWS blue, signalling that there are orcs nearby.
PIPPEN
(off Sting)
Like a motherfucking lightsaber and shit.
Suddenly, the door comes crashing down. A horde of orcs rush through. The fellowship run into the fray, swords slashing, Akira Kurosawa-style. The fight is broken when a roar is heard.
BOROMIR
Fuck. They’ve got a cave troll.
The CAVE TROLL breaks down what remains of the door. It swings its club furiously, knocking down fellowship members and orcs alike. Pippen runs and hides behind a rock. Silent Merry stands up in the face of the TROLL.
PIPPEN
Yeah, fatass, yeah!!! Take down that dirty troll like it was the Rancor, Skywalker-style!