What if "The Lord of the Rings"had been written as Apocalypse Now

"Downfall of the Lord of the Rings Now"

by TikTak_Kat

Downfall of the Lord of the Rings Now
[Scene: Darly lit interior of an inn room sized for Hobbits]
(Voiceover as a partially clad Hobbit ambles around aimlessly, finally going berserk and injuring himself in a bizarre gardening accident)

"I was in Bree again. I wanted a quest. And for my sins, they gave me one. And when it was over, I would never want to go on another one. After my last quest, all I could think about was going back to the Shire. And when I was in the Shire, all I could think about was me next quest. And here I was, sitting in the Prancing Pony in Bree and getting soft, while out there in their caves under the Misty Mountains, Charlie was staying hard. I had to get out of here."

[Scene: a council room in Rivendell]
Gandalf: I am Gandalf the Istari. That is Elrond Half-Elven, and that is Mr. Strider. Have you ever met any of us before?
Frodo: No sir, I haven't.
Gandalf: Are you Frodo of the Shire? Assigned to the Fellowship?
Frodo: I'm sorry sir, I have no idea what you are talking about, and if I did I would not be disposed to discuss it at this time.
Gandalf: And your Uncle Bilbo was involved in the assassination of the Dragon Smaug?
Frodo: I'm sorry sir, I have no idea what you are talking about, and if I did I would not be disposed to discuss it at this time.
Elrond: What do you know of Sauron?
Frodo: I'm not sure I've heard much of him before sir.
(a bard is summoned and a number of lays are sung)
Gandalf: We'd like you to take Sauron's ring, travel down the Anduin, then proceed overland to Mount Doom and terminate his Ring.
Elrond: Terminate with extreme prejudice.
Frodo: Terminate his ring?
Mr. Aragorn: Terminate Sauron.

[Scene: on Anduin in elven boats]
(Voiceover as Frodo pores over books of lore)
"I couldn't believe this. I couldn't believe this guys record. A Maia of Aule? Chief Lieutenant to Morgoth? Managed to destroy Numenor and escape. Nearly Conquered Middle Earth. Nearly. And now he was going to try again, and this time he would succeed. And they wanted me to travel into his stronghold and destroy his ring. I couldn't believe it."