What if "The Lord of the Rings" Had Been Written as "Adaptation"

ADAPTATION by Charlie Kaufman and Smeagol Kaufman

by Wumpus

Adapted from The Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien

INT. KAUFMAN'S APARTMENT

SUBTITLE: Hollywood, California, sometime during the Fourth Age

(KAUFMAN paces the floor.)

KAUFMAN: I am old. I am fat. I am ugly.

EXT. NEW ZEALAND ROAD

SUBTITLE: New Zealand, one year earlier.

(A white van drives down a narrow road winding through the New Zealand countryside.)

INT. WHITE VAN

TOLKIEN (V.O.): In human art Fantasy is a thing best left to words, to true literature. Drama is naturally hostile to Fantasy. Fantastic forms are not to be counterfeited. Men dressed up as talking animals may achieve buffoonery or mimicry, but they do not achieve Fantasy.

(PETER JACKSON drives, with two FLUNKIES in the back. Next to him on the car seat is a cassette case marked A TOLKIEN READER.)

EXT. RUAPEHU, NEW ZEALAND

(Close in on the white van as it comes to a stop. As Jackson and the flunkies exit the car and begin taking notes, we pull back to reveal the majestic volcano Ruapehu in the distance.)

INT. L.A. RESTAURANT

SUBTITLE: Hollywood, California, one year later.

(Kaufman sits at a table eating lunch with Jackson)

KAUFMAN (V.O.): I'm old. I'm bald. I'm repulsive.

JACKSON: ... and we loved that script about John Malkovich.

KAUFMAN: (nervously) Thank you.

JACKSON: So we were wondering, what are your thoughts on a Lord of the Rings script?

KAUFMAN: (sweating profusely) First, I think it's a fantastic book.

JACKSON: Bilbo's a great character, isn't he?

KAUFMAN: Tolkien makes his imaginary world so fascinating. Plus all that material on the passing of the Elves, the fall of Numenor, pipeweed. Great, sprawling fantasy stuff. I'd want to be true to that.

(pause)

JACKSON: What does that mean?

KAUFMAN: Oh, well, I'm not exactly sure myself. I just don't want to compromise it by making it a Hollywood product. You know, cramming in a token love story, or big splashy battles done with computers, or giving every guy in the movie a contrived character arc. You know, movie sh**.

(pause)

JACKSON: We're thinking of casting Liv Tyler as Arwen.

INT. KAUFMAN'S APARTMENT

(Kaufman paces the floor, talking into his mini-recorder. As he speaks, we see a montage of the images he's talking about.)

KAUFMAN: Okay, the movie starts. Darkness. Silence. Then the Ainur begin to sing. Then Melkor starts singing something different, and the music changes, and then Iluvatar shows them what their song has become, and the World is created. Then the Valar come to the World, and they struggle with Melkor, and then the elves come, and men, and hobbits, and the ages pass! Then we cut to Bilbo, sitting at home writing his book about hobbits, and the story begins! It's perfect! It's everything!

(He stops and thinks about what he's just said for a minute.)

KAUFMAN: I am fat. I am old. I am repulsive.

(SMEAGOL bursts into the room.)

SMEAGOL: Brother must come with Smeagol to the seminar next time! The white wizard is so wise in the ways of screenwriting. So wise and so funny, with such a voice! Brother would like him, yes. The wizard says we must be original, but within our genre. Smeagol's genre is the epic fantasy blockbuster, isn't it my precious? . . .