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Faramir 'interrogates' Frodo, Sam and Smeagol:
Faramir: Frodo, give me the Ring!
Frodo: But, I thought you were...
Faramir: (smirking) You thought I was what...? The generous,
wise, noble, insightful and intelligent brother of Boromir?
Who, in spite of his father’s disdain for his lack of
overt brass, muscles and flowing dark hair, leads a
band of stealthy green clad men through the forests
bordering Mordor to help win an unforeseen victory for
Gondor?
Frodo: Well, in a word, yes.
Sam: (whispering) Careful, Mr. Frodo, he’s one of them
large folk an’ they ain't t' be trusted no further than
I can toss m'ol' Gaffer.
Frodo: But he’s supposed to be different! Why, in the
book he...
Faramir: (Laughing loudly) The BOOK! Who in the name
of the Silmarils read the book!? Look at me! The script
writers have made me bold, quick to act, muscular and
very masculine indeed! Heck, I even have cool black
hair instead of being some ditzy blonde!
Frodo: (confused) So.... it was you who...
Faramir: Yes! It was I who stole Boromir’s favorite
Viking helmet!! We use it for the Loo out back. And...
Frodo: "And?"
Faramir: Yes... 'And'. AND, I replaced his lucky horn
with one that called enemies to his side, rather than
friends!
Frodo: (gasp!)
Faramir: Right! Now, give me that Ring or I’ll take
you to a battle you weren’t supposed to be at just so
we can show those cool flying dudes dressed in black
who screech like nails on a blackboard!
Sam: Like squeaky hinges, Sir... if you don’t mind me
sayin’ so.
Faramir: What was that?
Sam: Squeaky hinges Sir. Them Black Riders sound like
squeaky hinges more than nails on a blackboard, if you
take my meanin’. In the book they had human voices,
but HERE they squeak like hinges.
Frodo: “Here” Sam?
Sam: Yes, Mr. Frodo. Here... in th’ movie.
Faramir: Fine Sam, squeaky hinges it is.
Smeagol: Nazgulsessss. Hssss. Hinges they isss. Yes,
hinges... But we has no hinges in our hole in the middle
of the pond under the center of the mountainsesss...
No no nice hinges... only fish boneses. Fish boneses
and goblin boneses! Gollum!
Sam: Gollum! Shut your cake hole before I shut it for
you!
Smeagol: (hissing) Cakeses he says! Nassty smelly cakeses!
Chokes poor Smeagol. Yes, chokes him right upses! Gollum!
Give poor Smeagol fishes, nice wet cold fishesses.
Sam: Oh... forget it.
Frodo: Movie?
Faramir: YES you dolt! You’re in a MOVIE. That’s why
you’re not as bright as you were in the book. That’s
why Bree looks like it’s in the Shire. That’s why Fatty
Bolger never got the wits scared out of him in Buckland
and that’s why Fangorn never fed Pippin and Merry. There
is no farmer Maggot beyond an obscure reference, no
Old Forest, none of that exists here in the MOVIE!
Frodo: Oh, I get it! We’re in a movie! (Faramir slaps
himself in the forehead) So since I’m not as bright
as I am in the book, I never figured out I was in the
movie, so I thought I was in the book! .. but, this
is a movie. ... on film.
Faramir: Bingo!
Frodo: So, if I keep the Ring, you’ll take me to a battle
where I can act all stressed out when the Black Riders..
Faramir: Black Rider... only one.
Frodo: Okay, so I can act all stressed out when the
Black RIDER shows up looking for the Ring!
Faramir: Precisely.
Frodo: Is he going to be on one of those flying dragon
dinosaur special effects things?
Faramir: It can be assumed so.
Frodo: Do I get to roll my eyes, look all woozie and
maybe even faint?
Faramir: If you like, it's your scene.
Frodo: Cool! Let’s do it!
Faramir: So, you’re not going to give me the Ring as
I demand?
Frodo: Not unless you can hook me up with some elf chick
like Aragorn has!
Faramir: Keep the Ring... it’ll be easier for you to
get into Mordor than to get set up with an elf.
Sam: Told you so, Mr. Frodo.
Frodo: Shut up, Sam.
Smeagol: Nice Massster, shot down Massster. Poor Masster,
Poor Smeagol. Nassty humansis, sstuck up elveses. Mean
Sam! Yes Precious! Yes!