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The Reduced Shakespeare Company

by Malacandra

Act 1, The Fellowship of the Ring


* Enter BILBO and GUESTS
BILBO: Today is my birthday! I am eleventy-one today!
GUESTS: Happy birthday Bilbo!
BILBO: Thank you and goodbye!
* BILBO vanishes
GUESTS: Hey, where'd he go?
* Exeunt omnes
* Enter FRODO and GANDALF
GANDALF: Your uncle left you Bag End and everything in it, including this Ring.
FRODO: The Ring?
GANDALF: Yes. But keep it secret, keep it safe, and do not use it!
* Exit GANDALF
* Beat
* Enter GANDALF with slightly whiter beard and a few more wrinkles
FRODO: Gandalf!
GANDALF: Frodo, I have just spent nineteen years finding out that your uncle's Ring, which he stole from Gollum, is the One Ruling Ring of the Dark Lord Sauron.
FRODO: How can you be sure?
GANDALF: I'll put it in the fire. *Beat* And now look, it says "One Ring to bring them all and in the Darkness bind them!"
FRODO: How terrible. *Beat* Gandalf, you are wise and good. Will you not take the Ring?
GANDALF: NO!! Do not tempt me! *Beat* The Ring must be destroyed in the Cracks of Doom where it was forged.
FRODO: Then I shall have to leave the Shire.
SAM (outside window): Waah!
* GANDALF pulls SAM through window by his ear
GANDALF: And you can take this eavesdropper with you to Rivendell.
* Exit GANDALF
FRODO: We'll leave on Bilbo's birthday, Sam. Gandalf will be back by then.
* Beat
SAM: ...Gandalf isn't back, Mr Frodo.
FRODO: No. Well, we'd better go by ourselves.
* Enter PIPPIN
PIPPIN: Off to Crickhollow then, Frodo?
FRODO, PIPPIN and SAM (singing): Upon the hearth the fire is red...
* Exeunt omnes
* Enter BLACK RIDER
BLACK RIDER: Baggins! Baggins! The Ring! *sniffs loudly
* Exit BLACK RIDER
* Enter FRODO, PIPPIN and SAM
FRODO: Well, I call that queer, and indeed disturbing!
GILDOR and ELVES (offstage, singing): Snow-white! Snow-white! O Lady clear!
* Enter GILDOR and ELVES
FRODO: O Wise People! What shall we do?
GILDOR: *shakes head* Advice is perilous. It is said "Do not meddle in the affairs of Wizards". The choice is yours: to go or wait.
* Exeunt GILDOR and ELVES
* Enter BLACK RIDER
BLACK RIDER: Baggins! Baggins! The Ring! *sniffs loudly
* Exit BLACK RIDER
* Enter FARMER MAGGOT
MAGGOT: You Black Riders get off my land, before I set my dogs on you! Hello, Mr Frodo. Come have some mushrooms, and then I'll drive you to Bucklebury Ferry.
* Mime ride in cart
* Enter MERRY, cloaked
MERRY: Baggins?
FRODO, SAM and PIPPIN: Aargh! A Black Rider!
MERRY: *uncloaks* What? Come on, get on the ferry.
* Exeunt omnes
* Enter BLACK RIDER
BLACK RIDER: Baggins! Baggins! The Ring! *sniffs loudly
* Exit BLACK RIDER
* Enter FRODO, SAM, PIPPIN and MERRY
MERRY: It's all right, Frodo. We know all about the Ring. We're ready to go.
ALL: (singing) We must away! We must away! We ride before the break of day.
PIPPIN: Are you sure we'll be all right in the Old Forest?
MERRY: Don't worry. The Brandybucks go in there from time to time.
* Exeunt omnes
FRODO, SAM, PIPPIN and MERRY: (offstage) Help! Help! The Willow-man!
* Enter BOMBADIL
BOMBADIL: Hey, come merry dol! derry dol! my darling! Old man Willow-Tree, what be you a-thinking of?
* Enter FRODO, SAM, PIPPIN and MERRY
FRODO: Thank you, Master!
PIPPIN: Gosh, it's sunny on the Barrow-Downs.
FRODO: Yes. Let's have lunch.
SAM: *yawning* And a nap.
* Exeunt omnes
FRODO, SAM, PIPPIN and MERRY: (offstage) Help! Help! The Barrow-Wight!
* Enter BOMBADIL
BOMBADIL: Hey, come merry dol! derry dol! my darling! Get out, you old Wight! Vanish in the sunlight!
* Enter FRODO, SAM, PIPPIN and MERRY
FRODO: Thank you, Master!
BOMBADIL: Now off to Bree with you.
* Exit BOMBADIL
* Enter BUTTERBUR
BUTTERBUR: Welcome to the Prancing Pony!
* Enter BREE-FOLK
* Enter STRIDER, sits in corner
BREE-FOLK: A song, Master!
FRODO: (singing) There is an inn, a merry old inn, beneath an old grey hill. *Trips with hand in pocket. Vanishes*
BREE-FOLK: Where'd he go?
* FRODO reappears next to STRIDER
STRIDER: Well, Mr Baggins, you have put your foot in it, or should I say your finger? I want a word with you.
* Exeunt BREE-FOLK and BUTTERBUR
STRIDER: You must take me with you.
FRODO: But we don't know who you are!
* Enter BUTTERBUR
BUTTERBUR: Mr Baggins, I have a letter for you.
* Hands FRODO a letter
* FRODO opens letter
GANDALF (off-stage): Bad news has reached me here. You can trust Strider. "All that is gold does not glitter; not all those who wander are lost."
BUTTERBUR: Trust Strider? (sneers)
STRIDER: Then will you go with them and keep off the Black Riders?
* Darkness falls. Enter BLACK RIDERS
BLACK RIDERS: Baggins! Baggins! The Ring! *sniff loudly
* Exeunt BLACK RIDERS
* Darkness lifts
BUTTERBUR: Me? Leave Bree? I durstn't!
STRIDER: Then let's be off.
* Exit BUTTERBUR
* Exeunt omnes
STRIDER: This is Weathertop, and Gandalf was here three days ago.
* Darkness falls. Enter BLACK RIDERS
BLACK RIDERS: Baggins! Baggins! The Ring! *sniff loudly
FRODO: Must... put... on... The Ring!
BLACK RIDERS: The Ring!
* FRODO disappears under pile of BLACK RIDERS, screams "Elbereth!", BLACK RIDERS recoil
FRODO: Must... take... off... The Ring!
* Exeunt BLACK RIDERS
* Darkness lifts. FRODO lies prone
STRIDER: They pierced him with a Morgul Knife. To the Ford!
* All dash around in great haste, FRODO stumbling
* Enter GLORFINDEL
STRIDER: Mae govannen!
GLORFINDEL: Take my horse, Frodo, and ride to Rivendell.
* Exit FRODO
GLORFINDEL: (calls offstage) Noro lim, noro lim, Asfaloth!
* Sound of hooves
* Exeunt omnes
* Enter FRODO, with wet feet; crosses stage
* Enter BLACK RIDERS
BLACK RIDERS: Baggins! Baggins! The Ring! *sniff loudly
FRODO: By Elbereth and Luthien the Fair, you shall have neither the Ring nor me!
BLACK RIDERS: The Ring! *beat* The flood!
* Exeunt BLACK RIDERS, screaming
* Frodo falls, lies senseless
* Enter GANDALF
GANDALF: Wake up, Frodo! Elrond has healed you.
* Enter BILBO
BILBO: Frodo, my lad!
FRODO: Bilbo!
* BILBO and FRODO embrace
GANDALF: And now it's time for the Council meeting.
* Enter ELROND, STRIDER (now called ARAGORN), BOROMIR, GIMLI, GLOIN, LEGOLAS.
* Enter SAM and sits in the corner.
BOROMIR: "Seek for the Sword that was Broken"
ARAGORN: Here it is! *Takes out shards of Narsil* But it shall be reforged.
GLOIN: We have had visitors from Sauron asking about Baggins and a little ring, the least of rings, a trifle that Sauron fancies.
ELROND: And what shall we do with the Ring?
BOROMIR: Take it to Gondor!
ELROND: What does Saruman the White say?
GANDALF: Saruman has turned traitor. He desires the Ring for himself. He trapped me. I barely escaped.
ELROND: What news from the Elves of Mirkwood?
LEGOLAS: Alas! Smeagol, who is called Gollum, has escaped.
ELROND: The Ring must go to the fire, and this is a task that the small may perform as well as the great.
BILBO: Very well! Bilbo the silly hobbit started this business, and he had better finish it, or himself.
GANDALF: My dear Bilbo! But your part in this is done.
* Beat
FRODO: I will take the Ring, though I do not know the way.
SAM: But you won't let him go alone, sir?
ELROND: No! With you will go Gandalf, and Aragorn, and Legolas for the Elves, and Gimli for the Dwarves, and Boromir for the Men of Gondor.
* Enter PIPPIN and MERRY
PIPPIN and MERRY: And us!
* Exeunt omnes
* Enter GANDALF, ARAGORN, FRODO, SAM, GIMLI, PIPPIN, MERRY, BOROMIR and LEGOLAS
FRODO: How the wind howls!
* Enter WARGS
GANDALF: Naur an edraith ammen! Naur dan i ngaurhoth!
* Blast of fire incinerates WARGS
ARAGORN: Over the mountains!
FRODO, PIPPIN, SAM, MERRY: The snow! The snow!
BOROMIR: This will be the death of the Halflings!
GANDALF: Then we must pass through Moria.
ARAGORN: If you pass the doors of Moria, beware.
* Whole party circles stage.
GANDALF: The doors of Durin, lord of Moria. Speak, friend, and enter. *Sits, brow furrowed
BOROMIR: What a gloomy pool! *Throws stone in water
GANDALF: *stands* Of course! "Mellon!"
* PROMPT holds up cue-card: "Elvish for 'Friend' "
* Creak of enormous door.
FRODO: Aargh!
* Panic breaks out. Miscellaneous shouts of "Look out, in the water", etc ad lib, mime fight scene.
* Mime journey in dark tunnels.
GANDALF: The Chamber of Records!
GIMLI: Alas! The tomb of Balin!
PIPPIN: What a gloomy well! *Throws stone down well
GANDALF: Fool of a Took!
LEGOLAS: Beware! Orcs!
GIMLI: Beware! A troll!
* Mime fight scene. FRODO falls, is helped away as party mime flight.
LEGOLAS: Aiee! A Balrog is come!
GIMLI: Durin's Bane!
* Enter BALROG
GANDALF: This is a foe beyond any of you. *To BALROG* You cannot pass!
BALROG: *roars*
* GANDALF breaks staff on bridge
BALROG: *roars*
GANDALF: Fly, you fools! *falls*
* Exeunt omnes
* Enter GOLLUM
GOLLUM: Baggins! Thief! Precious! We wants it!
* Exit GOLLUM
* Enter FELLOWSHIP
ARAGORN: We are come to Lothlorien.
* Enter HALDIR, RUMIL and OROPHIN
HALDIR: You must be blindfolded.
GIMLI: I will go back rather!
LEGOLAS: A plague on the stiff necks of Dwarves!
ARAGORN: No, let us all be blindfolded.
LEGOLAS: I will not!
ARAGORN: A plague on the stiff necks of Elves!
HALDIR: Now meet the Lord and Lady.
* Enter CELEBORN and GALADRIEL
GALADRIEL: The quest hangs on a knife-edge. Yet hope there is while all the Fellowship remains true.
* Exeunt all except FRODO and GALADRIEL.
FRODO: The Ring is too large a matter for me. I will give it to you, if you ask for it.
GALADRIEL: All shall love me and despair! *beat* I pass the test. I will diminish, and go into the West, and remain Galadriel.
* Enter CELEBORN and FELLOWSHIP
GALADRIEL: Ring-bearer, you shall have this, a light to you when all other lights go out.
* GALADRIEL hands FRODO a phial.
GALADRIEL: And what gift would a Dwarf ask of the Elves?
GIMLI: None, Lady. Unless it is permitted to name a lock of your hair, as a talisman of friendship between the Mountain and the Wood until the end of days.
GALADRIEL: Then how shall I refuse? And I name you elf-friend and blessed.
CELEBORN: Now take these boats I give you to speed you on your way.
* FELLOWSHIP mime river-journey.
* Exeunt omnes
* Enter GOLLUM
GOLLUM: Baggins! Thief! Precious! We wants it!
* Exit GOLLUM
* Enter FELLOWSHIP
ARAGORN: Now we are come to Rauros Falls and we must choose which way to go.
BOROMIR: I go to Minas Tirith, alone if need be!
FRODO: I cannot decide. Let me have time.
* Exeunt all except FRODO.
* Enter BOROMIR
FRODO: I know what to do, Boromir, but I am afraid.
BOROMIR: Then give the Ring to me, and say I took it by force!
* FRODO vanishes.
BOROMIR: No! A madness took me, but it has passed!
* Enter FELLOWSHIP one or two at a time, running around in panic, calling for FRODO.
* Enter ARAGORN and BOROMIR
ARAGORN: Boromir! Guard the two young hobbits!
* Exeunt ARAGORN and BOROMIR
GANDALF: (offstage, magna voce) Fool, take off the Ring!
* FRODO appears.
FRODO: The boats...
* Exit FRODO
* Enter SAM
SAM: Use your head, Sam Gamgee! Where's Frodo going... Back to the boats, Sam!
* Mime SAM falling into river, pulled out by FRODO
FRODO: Sam, you idiot!
SAM: You're not going without me, Mr Frodo!

* Curtain*

Act 2, The Two Towers

* Enter PIPPIN and MERRY
PIPPIN and MERRY: Help! Orcs!
* Enter BOROMIR
BOROMIR: *blows horn
* Exeunt omnes
* Enter ARAGORN, LEGOLAS and GIMLI
ARAGORN: The horn of Boromir! He is in need!
* Exeunt omnes
* Enter BOROMIR pierced with arrows. Falls
* Enter ARAGORN
ARAGORN: Boromir!
BOROMIR: I tried to take the Ring from Frodo. I am sorry. I have paid. Orcs took the hobbits. *Dies*
* Enter GIMLI and LEGOLAS
* BOROMIR is carried to wings. Mime putting in boat.
ARAGORN: Through Rohan over fen and field where the long grass grows, The West Wind comes walking and about the walls it blows.
LEGOLAS: O Boromir! The Tower of Guard shall ever northward gaze, To Rauros, golden Rauros Falls, until the end of days.
GIMLI: Now come. The thought of those merry young people driven like cattle burns my heart.
LEGOLAS, GIMLI and ARAGORN: Forward the Three Hunters!
* Exeunt omnes
* Enter MERRY, PIPPIN and URUK-HAI. Cross stage and exeunt.
* Enter LEGOLAS, GIMLI and ARAGORN. Cross stage and exeunt.
* Enter MERRY, PIPPIN and URUK-HAI. PIPPIN lets fall brooch. Cross stage and exeunt.
* Enter LEGOLAS, GIMLI and ARAGORN.
ARAGORN: *drops to knee* Not idly do the leaves of Lorien fall!
* LEGOLAS, GIMLI and ARAGORN cross stage and exeunt.
* Enter MERRY, PIPPIN and URUK-HAI including GRISHNAKH.
GRISHNAKH: The filthy Horseboys!
* Enter RIDERS OF ROHAN. Mime battle scene. PIPPIN and MERRY crawl away. Exeunt omnes, fighting.
* Enter LEGOLAS, GIMLI and ARAGORN. Sit. Enter RIDERS OF ROHAN and EOMER.
ARAGORN: What news from the North, Riders of Rohan?
* RIDERS encircle the Three.
EOMER: Who are you that travel our lands without leave?
ARAGORN: Travellers, who come from the Golden Wood.
EOMER: Then you have dealings with the Witch?
GIMLI: *furious* You speak evil of that which is fair beyond the reach of your thought, and only little wit can excuse you!
EOMER: I would cut off your head, if it stood a little higher from the ground.
LEGOLAS: He stands not alone! *Draws bow*
ARAGORN: Your pardon, Eomer. We are searching for our friends, who were carried away by Orcs.
EOMER: We have slain the Orcs. There were no survivors. But if you wish to search, take these horses, and come afterwards to Edoras.
* Exeunt EOMER and RIDERS
* ARAGORN, LEGOLAS and GIMLI mime mounting horses, and exeunt.
* Enter PIPPIN, MERRY and TREES.
MERRY: What a gloomy forest!
PIPPIN: The sun is going in.
* A TREE stirs. It is TREEBEARD
TREEBEARD: Hoom! Very odd, you are, root and branch.
PIPPIN: We are hobbits.
TREEBEARD: I am an Ent.
MERRY: Whose side are you on?
TREEBEARD: I am on nobody's side. Nobody is on my side. But the Orcs of Saruman have murdered my trees. There must be an Entmoot. Come with me. And have some Ent-draught.
* Exeunt PIPPIN, MERRY and TREEBEARD.
* Enter LEGOLAS, GIMLI and ARAGORN.
ARAGORN: *studying ground* The hobbits escaped into the Forest.
GIMLI: Look there! In the trees! The White Wizard! Shoot him.
* Enter GANDALF THE WHITE
* LEGOLAS shoots an arrow into the air
ARAGORN: Gandalf!
GANDALF: Naked was I sent back, until my task is done. Now let us go to Edoras. *calls* Shadowfax!
* All mime mounting horses and exeunt.
* Enter PIPPIN, MERRY, TREEBEARD and ENTS.
* General murmur of "odd", "not orcs", "new line in the old lists", "Saruman", "orcs", "tree-killer", falling into silence.
* Beat
TREEBEARD and ENTS: RA-HOOM-RAH! To Isengard with doom we come!
* Exeunt omnes
* Enter THEODEN and GRIMA
GRIMA: Here comes Gandalf Stormcrow, who is called Ill-News!
* Enter GANDALF, ARAGORN, GIMLI and LEGOLAS
THEODEN: Ever you come at an ill time, Gandalf.
* GANDALF brandishes staff. Thunderclap.
GANDALF: I do not come to bandy words with Wormtongue. Down, snake! Down on your belly!
* GRIMA falls. THEODEN stands and moves to doorway (DS centre)
THEODEN: It is not so dark here.
GANDALF: Your fingers would remember their old strength better if they grasped a sword again.
* Enter EOMER and HAMA
EOMER: *kneels* Take mine, my King! It was ever at your service.
THEODEN: Bring me my own. Throw Wormtongue out. What shall I do, Gandalf?
GANDALF: Take your army to Helm's Deep.
* Enter EOWYN. She sees ARAGORN. Brings THEODEN stirrup cup.
* Enter RIDERS OF ROHAN and mime march.
* Exit GANDALF
THEODEN: Behold the Hornburg, which has never been taken, if men defended it.
ARAGORN: And here come the Dunlendings.
DUNLENDINGS: *offstage* Forgoil! Strawheads!
LEGOLAS: And the Orcs of Saruman.
URUK-HAI: *offstage* Bring out your skulking King! We are the fighting Uruk-Hai!
* Ad lib enormous assault.
* Enter ARAGORN and EOMER fighting DUNLENDINGS and URUK-HAI
* Enter GIMLI
GIMLI: Baruk khazad! Khazad ai-menu! *Kills two orcs in two swings of axe*
* Exeunt omnes except GIMLI
* Enter LEGOLAS
GIMLI: Two!
LEGOLAS: *pats bow* Twenty!
* Ad lib battle scene. Intermittent cries of "Khazad! Khazad!"
* Enter GIMLI and LEGOLAS
GIMLI: Twenty-one!
LEGOLAS: Twenty-four!
* Ad lib battle scene as before. Loud explosion.
* Enter ARAGORN
ARAGORN: Devilry of Saruman! The Orcs have brought a blasting fire.
* Exit ARAGORN. Ad lib battle scene.
* Enter ARAGORN and THEODEN
THEODEN: I will not die like an old badger in a trap. When I ride out, will you ride with me?
ARAGORN: I will.
* Enter RIDERS OF ROHAN. Form up with ARAGORN and THEODEN at their head. Mime working up a massive charge.
* Day dawns. Enter GANDALF, ERKENBRAND OF WESTFOLD and more ROHIRRIM. URUK-HAI and DUNLENDINGS flee.
URUK-HAI and DUNLENDINGS: (offstage) Aargh! The trees!
* Enter GIMLI and LEGOLAS
GIMLI: Forty-two, Master Legolas!
GANDALF: And now we must go and deal with Saruman.
* Exeunt omnes.
* Enter GANDALF, THEODEN, ARAGORN, LEGOLAS, GIMLI and EOMER.
* Enter PIPPIN and MERRY, smoking pipeweed.
GIMLI: Hammer and tongs! How came you by the weed?
MERRY: Come and share a pipe, and let us tell you how the Ents sacked Isengard!
* Enter SARUMAN
GANDALF: Beware of the Voice of Saruman.
SARUMAN: Will you not have peace with me?
THEODEN: We will have peace. When you hang from a gibbet for the sport of your own crows!
SARUMAN: Dotard! What is the House of Eorl but a thatched barn where brigands drink in the reek?
GANDALF: Saruman! I am Gandalf the White now. You have no colour, your staff is broken.
* Saruman's staff breaks.
SARUMAN: *screams*
GRIMA: (offstage) Die!!
* Palantir falls from flies, narrowly missing Gandalf. Pippin goes to grab it, Gandalf gets it first.
GANDALF: And now to deal with Sauron.
* Whole party settles down to sleep. Pippin sneaks palantir from under Gandalf's arm, looks in it, shrieks. Gandalf wakes.
PIPPIN: No, not for you, Saruman!
GANDALF: Peregrin Took! Come back! And come with me to Minas Tirith. Shadowfax!
ARAGORN: Give me the palantir, Gandalf, and I shall challenge Sauron.
* Exeunt omnes.
* Enter FRODO and SAM
SAM: Well, master, we're in a fix and no mistake.
* Enter GOLLUM
GOLLUM: Baggins! Thief! Precious! We wants it!
* SAM leaps on GOLLUM. GOLLUM seizes SAM in stranglehold. FRODO draws Sting.
FRODO: This is Sting! Let him go or you'll feel it.
* GOLLUM releases SAM
GOLLUM: Mercy! They jumps on us like cats on poor mices.
FRODO: The rope, Sam.
* SAM ties GOLLUM with elven rope. GOLLUM screams.
GOLLUM: Take it off! Smeagol will be good. Smeagol will serve
the master of the Precious.
* FRODO removes rope.
FRODO: Show us the way to Mordor.
GOLLUM: Follow Smeagol!
* Mime passage of marshes.
FRODO: The Black Gate! And now to enter Mordor. I do not ask anyone to come with me.
GOLLUM: No, Master! He'll eat everything, eat all the world. There is another way!
FRODO: Very well.
* Mime journey into Ithilien.
GOLLUM: *muttering* Smeagol promised. But He heard us make silly promise. Get the Precious, be good to ourselves, we be the master of the Precious, we serves ourselves. But there's two of them. But She might help. No, not that way! Yes, we wants it!
FRODO: I'm tired, Sam.
SAM: He's hungry, too. Here, Gollum! Find us something to eat.
* Exit GOLLUM
* Enter GOLLUM with rabbits.
* SAM makes rabbit stew, wakes FRODO, they eat.
FARAMIR (offstage): What's that smoke?
GOLLUM: Achh, ssilly hobbitsses!
* Enter FARAMIR and RANGERS OF ITHILIEN
FARAMIR: Who are you that trespass here?
FRODO: A friend of all enemies of the One Enemy.
FARAMIR: Take them, but do not hurt them. And now for the Haradrim lately come up the road from the South.
* Exeunt FARAMIR and RANGERS OF ITHILIEN, except two who remain with FRODO and SAM. Sounds of battle, off. Sounds of trumpeting.
SAM: Master! An oliphaunt!
RANGER: Ware! Mumak! Mumak!
* Trumpeting swells to crescendo and diminishes.
* Enter FARAMIR
FARAMIR: Blindfold them and bring them with us.
* SAM and FRODO are blindfolded. Exeunt omnes.
* Enter FARAMIR, FRODO and SAM
FARAMIR: Who are you and where do you come from?
FRODO: We are hobbits from the Shire, and we came from Rivendell with two of my cousins, an Elf, a Dwarf, Gandalf, Aragorn and Boromir.
FARAMIR: Boromir? Were you Boromir's friend?
FRODO: Yes, for my part.
FARAMIR: Boromir was my brother; and I would hope his companions would tell me how he died.
FRODO: Died?
SAM: See here, Faramir! It weren't my master's fault. From the moment he saw it, Boromir wanted the Enemy's Ring!
FRODO: Sam!
FARAMIR: The Ring! *beat* Not if I found it by the road would I take it. What will you do with it?
FRODO: *tired* I am taking it to the Cracks of Doom. I do not think I shall ever get there.
* Enter ANBORN, a Ranger of Ithilien, with GOLLUM
ANBORN: Sir, we caught this creature fishing in the pool.
FRODO: Spare him! He is our guide.
FARAMIR: I will spare him, while he is under your protection. You may go.
* Exeunt FARAMIR and RANGERS OF ITHILIEN
GOLLUM: *rubs neck* Nassty men...
FRODO: He spared your life. And now for your secret entrance into Mordor.
GOLLUM: Follow, up the Stairs!
* Mime long and exhausting climb. GOLLUM goes in search of something to eat while FRODO and SAM rest.
SAM: What do you think it would be like to be a hero in a book, master? *Falls into doze*
* GOLLUM enters. He sees FRODO and SAM innocently asleep. A spasm of self-revulsion crosses his own face. He looks offstage, shakes head guiltily, reaches out to stroke FRODO's hair. FRODO stirs and SAM wakes.
SAM: Here! What've you been doing, you old sneaker?
GOLLUM: Sneaking!
* Whatever tender feeling might have been in GOLLUM's heart has just died forever.
FRODO: What's the time?
GOLLUM: Time for the secret tunnel. Follow Smeagol!
* Mime entering dark tunnel. Exit GOLLUM.
FRODO: Smeagol?
SAM: Gollum?
* No reply
SAM: He's run out on us, the sneak.
* Hideous, bestial hissing. Vast bulk of SHELOB enters.
FRODO: A spider! A monstrous spider!
SAM: Master! Your star-glass!
* FRODO takes out Phial of Galadriel and thrusts it at SHELOB. Light blazes, SHELOB falls back hissing.
FRODO: You take the glass, Sam, and I'll cut these webs! *Draws Sting* There, we're through!
* Exit FRODO
SAM: Wait, master! Wait for m-
* Enter GOLLUM and leaps on SAM. Fight. SAM throws GOLLUM off. GOLLUM flees.
* Furious hissing offstage. FRODO screams.
SAM: Master!
* Exit SAM. Blackout.
* Lights up on SAM holding Sting aloft, standing over FRODO. SHELOB is retreating, hissing furiously. SAM drops to knees.
SAM: Master? Don't go where I can't follow!
* SAM weeps.
SAM: I'm the last of the Company. I've got to take the Ring, Master; but I'll be back when I've thrown it in the Crack of Doom, and I'll never leave you again. Rest you quiet till I come!
* SAM takes Ring on chain from around FRODO's neck and trudges off, with many a backward glance.
* Enter SHAGRAT, GORBAG and ORCS.
SHAGRAT: Ha! A spy!
* ORCS seize FRODO
GORBAG: What's the point? Her Ladyship's killed him.
SHAGRAT: You fool! He's not dead!
SAM: (off) Not dead?
SHAGRAT: To the Tower with him!
* Exeunt SHAGRAT, GORBAG and ORCS.
* Enter SAM.
SAM: You bring him back!
* Sound of massive door slamming shut. Sam runs offstage, reappears as though rebounding off immovable object, falls senseless to floor.

* Curtain

Act 3, The Return of the King

* Enter GANDALF and PIPPIN
GANDALF: This is Minas Tirith. We go to see Denethor the Steward. Don't mention Aragorn.
PIPPIN: Why not, Gandalf?
GANDALF: Because he will be King, when he comes.
* Enter DENETHOR, bearing the shards of BOROMIR'S horn
PIPPIN: That was Boromir's horn!
DENETHOR: *coldly* And who are you?
PIPPIN: A Halfling. *beat* And I offer my service in memory of Boromir.
DENETHOR: I accept it. Now tell me all you can of my son and your journey. *beat* And now go and join the Guard, and they will tell you your duties.
* Exit PIPPIN and GANDALF. Exit DENETHOR.
* Enter PIPPIN and GONDOREANS
GONDOREANS: *murmuring* Prince of the Halflings... alliance... five thousand swords...
* Enter BEREGOND
BEREGOND: Greetings, Master Halfling! Let me show you the city, and then you shall meet my son.
* Exit BEREGOND. Enter BERGIL
BERGIL: Let us be friends! Come, our allies are arriving.
* They go to the walls and watch the arrival of FORLONG and his household, PRINCE IMRAHIL, and other allies and vassals of Gondor
PIPPIN: So ends a fair day in wrath!
* Exeunt BERGIL and PIPPIN
* Enter ARAGORN, GIMLI, LEGOLAS, THEODEN, EOMER, MERRY and RIDERS OF ROHAN
THEODEN: Who is it that comes here?
* Enter HALBARAD and RANGERS
ARAGORN: Halbarad!
HALBARAD: Receive this banner, and hear these words: Remember the Paths of the Dead.
ARAGORN: I will. *to GIMLI and LEGOLAS* Come with me. *to MERRY* Remain with King Theoden.
* Exeunt omnes. Enter EOWYN. Enter ARAGORN, LEGOLAS, GIMLI and HALBARAD.
EOWYN: Whither go you, my lord?
ARAGORN: To the Paths of the Dead.
EOWYN: Why?
ARAGORN: Because my duty calls me; as yours calls you to stay with your people.
EOWYN: Too often have I heard of duty! *beat* Take me with you.
ARAGORN: Nay, my lady. You have no business on the path I must tread.
EOWYN: Neither have these. They go with thee because they love thee.
* Exit EOWYN. Exeunt omnes.
* Enter THEODEN, EOMER, RIDERS OF ROHAN and MERRY.
THEODEN: Who is this that comes?
EOMER: A messenger from Gondor.
* Enter MESSENGER. Hands THEODEN a black arrow.
THEODEN: The Black Arrow! *beat* Say to Denethor that Rohan will come, but first we must assemble all our strength.
MESSENGER: I will.
* Exit MESSENGER
MERRY: Will you receive my service, King Theoden?
THEODEN: I will; but you cannot come to the war.
* Exeunt THEODEN, EOMER and RIDERS OF ROHAN
MERRY: I won't be left behind, to be called for on return!
* Enter DERNHELM
DERNHELM: Where will wants not, a way opens. If you will not be parted from the Lord of the Mark, you may come with Dernhelm.
* Exeunt DERNHELM and MERRY
* Enter PIPPIN and BEREGOND
BEREGOND: Behold, in the air!
PIPPIN: Black Riders on wings! Gandalf save us.
* Enter GANDALF and FARAMIR
FARAMIR: A Halfling! How...?
* Enter DENETHOR
DENETHOR: What has happened?
FARAMIR: I met Frodo and his servant, and they went to Cirith Ungol.
GANDALF: *dismayed* When?
FARAMIR: Two days ago. I hope I have not done ill?
DENETHOR: Ill? You wizard's pupil! Boromir would have brought me a mighty gift.
GANDALF: He would have taken it for himself, and you would not have known your son.
DENETHOR: That is no excuse for sending it in the hands of a witless Halfling into the land of the Enemy!
GANDALF: There was no better course. It would have burned your mind away if it had been brought here.
DENETHOR: *beat* Such words and ifs are vain. Faramir, you must go and captain Osgiliath.
FARAMIR: I will. But if I should return, think better of me.
DENETHOR: That depends on the manner of your return.
GANDALF: *aside to Faramir.* Do not throw your life away. Your father will remember that he loves you.
* Exeunt omnes. Enter MESSENGER
MESSENGER: The hordes of Mordor approach, and the Black Captain leads them.
* Enter GANDALF
GANDALF: Then I am needed there more than here.
* Exeunt MESSENGER and GANDALF
* Enter GANDALF
GANDALF: The outwall is taken, the wounded are being sent in, and Faramir commands the rearguard.
PIPPIN: *terrified* Is the Dark Lord come?
GANDALF: No, but the Lord of the Nazgul, who shall not die by the hand of mortal man.
* Enter PRINCE ITHILIEN
PRINCE: We are ready to sortie and cover Faramir's retreat.
DENETHOR: Do so.
* Exeunt omnes. Enter GONDOREANS. Cries of tumult and panic.
GONDOREAN: Faramir! Faramir is wounded!
ANOTHER GONDOREAN: The roads are cut! Rohan cannot come.
GONDOREAN: And the Morgul-host have brought catapults.
* Exeunt omnes. Enter FARAMIR on a bier, DENETHOR and PIPPIN
PIPPIN: Do not weep, lord. Perhaps he will get well.
DENETHOR: The fool's hope has failed. The Enemy has found it, and my son lies with poison in his veins. Follow the Grey Fool, if you will. *beat* Farewell, Peregrin son of Paladin. Send for my servants.
* Exit PIPPIN. Enter SERVANTS. They bear away FARAMIR. Exit DENETHOR.
* Enter PIPPIN and BEREGOND.
PIPPIN: Do not let anything dreadful happen! I am going to find Gandalf.
* Exeunt PIPPIN and BEREGOND
* Enter GANDALF
* Enter PIPPIN
* Enter LORD OF THE NAZGUL
GANDALF: You cannot enter here!
LORD OF THE NAZGUL: Old fool! Die now and curse in vain.
* Silence. A cock crows. Horns blow.
* PROMPT holds up cue-card: "The previous day..."
* Enter THEODEN, EOMER, MERRY and GHAN-BURI-GHAN.
GHAN: The Wild Men will show you through the wood.
* They pass through the wood. Exit GHAN-BURI-GHAN.
THEODEN: *takes horn, blows blast that bursts it* Arise, arise, Riders of Theoden! Ride now! Ride now! Ride to Gondor!
* Mime enormous charge of six thousand cavalry.
* Enter Southron cavalry and bearer of serpent standard. THEODEN overthrows standard-bearer.
* Enter LORD OF THE NAZGUL. THEODEN falls. LORD OF THE NAZGUL stoops over him.
* Enter DERNHELM and MERRY
DERNHELM: Begone, foul dwimmer-laik!
LORD OF THE NAZGUL: Thou fool! No living man may hinder me!
* DERNHELM removes helmet, is revealed as EOWYN
EOWYN: But no living man am I!
* LORD OF THE NAZGUL strikes EOWYN. She falls to knees. MERRY stabs LORD OF THE NAZGUL in back of knee; he stumbles, EOWYN beheads him and falls.
THEODEN: *dying breath* Farewell, Master Holbytla!
* Enter EOMER and RIDERS OF ROHAN. THEODEN signs: "he is the king now". THEODEN dies.
EOMER: Mourn not overmuch. War now calls us. *notices EOWYN* What is this? Death take us all!
RIDERS: Death!
* Exeunt RIDERS and EOMER. Enter BEARERS and carry EOWYN away. Enter PRINCE ITHILIEN.
PRINCE: *looking at EOWYN* Men of Rohan, I deem that she yet lives!
* Exeunt omnes. Enter EOMER and RIDERS OF ROHAN.
EOMER: Corsairs! *beat* Out of doubt, out of dark, to the day's rising; now for wrath, now for ruin and a red nightfall. *beat* Nay, it is not Corsairs but Aragorn out of the Paths of the Dead!
* Enter ARAGORN with RANGERS, LEGOLAS, GIMLI, HALBARAD, the SONS OF ELROND, etc.
ARAGORN: Thus we meet, though all the hosts of Mordor lay between us!
* Exeunt omnes. Sounds of battle, off.
* Enter PIPPIN and GANDALF
PIPPIN: Gandalf! Denethor means to burn Faramir, and himself.
GANDALF: Then I must stop him.
* Exeunt PIPPIN and GANDALF. Enter DENETHOR, FARAMIR on bier, BEREGOND holding SERVANTS at bay.
* Enter GANDALF and PIPPIN
GANDALF: Come! We are needed.
DENETHOR: Pride and despair! It is time for all to depart who would not be slaves!
GANDALF: But you will not burn your son.
* GANDALF picks up FARAMIR.
DENETHOR: Give me a torch!
* A servant throws him one. DENETHOR breaks his staff and ignites the pyre beneath him. Exeunt omnes.
* Enter GANDALF and BEREGOND
GANDALF: Go now to the Houses of Healing, to be with Faramir, whom you saved.
* Exit BEREGOND. Exit GANDALF. Enter MERRY, staggering. Enter PIPPIN
PIPPIN: Come on, Merry!
* Enter BERGIL
PIPPIN: Bergil! Tell Gandalf that Merry is here.
* Exit BERGIL
* Enter bearers with EOWYN and FARAMIR. Enter GANDALF. Enter IORETH the wise-woman.
IORETH: Oh, if only we had a King! For the hands of a King are the hands of healing.
GANDALF: Men may long remember your words, Ioreth.
* Enter ARAGORN and EOMER
ARAGORN: Come, athelas! Life to the dying in the king's hand lying.
* Enter BERGIL, hands athelas leaves to ARAGORN
ARAGORN: Awake, Faramir.
FARAMIR: *stirs* What does the king command?
ARAGORN: Eowyn, awake. Call her!
EOMER: Eowyn!
EOWYN: *stirs* Eomer! What joy is this?
ARAGORN: Awake, Merry.
MERRY: *stirs* I am hungry. What is the time?
GANDALF: And now we must decide what to do.
* Exeunt omnes. Enter ARAGORN, GANDALF, PRINCE IMRAHIL, the SONS OF ELROND and EOMER.
GANDALF: Here is our plight, and Sauron's. If he regains the Ring, he is victorious. If it is destroyed, he is defeated. Sauron knows this, and will attack us.
EOMER: How will he dare, if we have the Ring?
GANDALF: Because he will think we cannot master it in time; or we will quarrel.
ARAGORN: Therefore we must attack him, so that he will think we have it, and so take his attention away from the Ring-Bearer.
ELORHIR, SON OF ELROND: That is our father's advice.
EOMER: My friend Aragorn's word is enough for me.
IMRAHIL: And for me, though we must leave Minas Tirith defended.
ARAGORN: Then we shall take what strength we can, and be gone.
* An army seven thousand strong assembles and marches off.
ARAGORN: Let the faint-hearted depart.
* Rather less than six thousand carry on to the Black Gate
* Enter the MOUTH OF SAURON
MOUTH OF SAURON: How pathetic! And your spy's errand failed. *Holds up SAM's sword, FRODO's coat of mail, etc.*
* GANDALF snatches them.
GANDALF: Begone, foul Mouth of Sauron!
* MOUTH OF SAURON flees. Black Gate opens, the better part of a hundred thousand orcs, trolls, Southrons, Easterlings etc spill out and surround the armies of the West.
PIPPIN: At least I will stab this troll!
* PIPPIN slays troll, which falls on him.
VOICE (off): The Eagles are coming.
* Blackout.
* PROMPT holds up cue-card: "A few days previously"
* Lights up. SAM is discovered lying senseless.
* SAM stirs.
SAM: Must... rescue... master.
* Noises of orcs yelling, etc.
SAM: I'm coming, Mr Frodo!
* Yelling rises to climax and fades away. SAM climbs tower. SAM trips over GORBAG and SHAGRAT fighting. SHAGRAT stabs GORBAG, knocks SAM over and flees.
SAM: (sings) Beyond all towers strong and high...
FRODO: (off, sings) Beyond all towers strong and high...
* Sound of whip. Enter SNAGA, cracking whip at someone off-stage. SAM attacks SNAGA, who exits. Sounds of scream and fall. FRODO is discovered.
SAM: Mr Frodo?
FRODO: Sam! *beat* They took everything.
SAM: No, not everything, Mr Frodo. *shows Ring*
FRODO: GIVE IT HERE, YOU THIEF! *beat* Sam...!
SAM: It's all right. Let's go.
* Exit SAM and FRODO
* Enter GOLLUM
GOLLUM: Thief! Baggins! Precious! We wants it!
* Exit GOLLUM
* Enter SAM and FRODO disguised as orcs.
* Enter ORCS and SLAVE-DRIVER
SLAVE-DRIVER: Get in line, you deserters!
* FRODO and SAM fall into line
* More orcs arrive. Fight breaks out between first and second bands of orcs. Exit FRODO and SAM.
* Exeunt orcs
* Enter FRODO and SAM, minus orc gear.
FRODO: The Mountain, at last!
* Enter GOLLUM
GOLLUM: Wicked Master! Mustn't hurt Precious!
FRODO: (magna voce) Begone, or be cast into the Fire of Doom!
SAM: You go on, Master, I'll settle him!
* Exit FRODO
SAM: Now, at last!
GOLLUM: Mercy! When Precious goes, we'll be dust!
SAM: Oh, curse you. Be off!
* Exit GOLLUM
* Enter FRODO. Flickering red light proclaims this to be the Crack of Doom.
FRODO: I have come. But I do not choose now to do what I came to do. The Ring is mine! *Puts on Ring and vanishes*
* Enter GOLLUM, springs on the invisible FRODO.
* FRODO reappears, clutching a hand that is minus one finger.
GOLLUM: Precious! *Overbalances, falls in Crack of Doom still clutching severed finger with Ring on it.* PRECIOUUUSSSS....!
* Mountain begins to explode.
SAM: Master! Your poor hand!
FRODO: Let us forgive Gollum. I am glad you are here at the end of all things.
* Blackout.
* Lights up. Battle before the Black Gate is discovered, Mordor-host fleeing in panic and confusion.
GANDALF: The Ring-bearer has accomplished his quest! *Summons GWAIHIR THE WINDLORD and two other Eagles* To Mount Doom, now!
* The Eagles fly to Mount Doom and recover SAM and FRODO, now unconscious.
* Enter all the good guys. SAM and FRODO wake. They see GANDALF.
SAM: Gandalf! Is everything sad going to come untrue?
GANDALF: A great Shadow has departed!
* Big celebration, much cheering.
* Exeunt omnes
* Prompt holds up cue card: "Meanwhile in Minas Tirith"
* Enter EOWYN and FARAMIR
FARAMIR: Eowyn, do you not love me, or will you not?
EOWYN: No longer do I desire to be a queen.
FARAMIR: But I will wed with the White Lady of Rohan, if she will.
* Another big celebration
* Enter GONDOREANS and all the good guys.
FARAMIR: Shall Aragorn be king?
GONDOREANS: Yea!
ARAGORN: Et Earello Endorenna utulien. Sinome maruvan ar Hildinyar tenn' Ambar-metta!
* He is crowned by GANDALF and enters Minas Tirith.
* Enter ELROND and his household, CELEBORN and GALADRIEL, and ARWEN EVENSTAR.
* ARAGORN marries ARWEN.
FRODO: Now I want to go home, but first I want to visit Rivendell and see Bilbo.
ARWEN: Take this gem to comfort you in pain; and if you wish, go into the West in my place.
* Exit ARAGORN and ARWEN
EOWYN: Merry, take this in memory of the Mark.
* Gives MERRY a horn.
* Enter TREEBEARD
TREEBEARD: Hoom! I let Saruman go. I thought he was harmless now.
GANDALF: Well, it is done now.
ARAGORN: And I will give the Ents all this valley to do with as they please.
LEGOLAS: Gimli and I will visit Treebeard now.
GIMLI: Goodbye!
* Exeunt GIMLI, LEGOLAS and TREEBEARD
ARAGORN: And I will return to Minas Tirith
* Exit ARAGORN
* Enter SARUMAN and GRIMA
GANDALF: What are you up to?
SARUMAN: Will you order my goings, and are you not content with my ruin?
GANDALF: No and no.
SARUMAN: You pulled down your house when you destroyed mine. Go!
* Exeunt SARUMAN and GRIMA
GALADRIEL: And now we return to Lothlorien.
* Exeunt GALADRIEL and CELEBORN
* Enter BILBO
BILBO: Hello, Frodo my lad! Just in time for my birthday.
* beat*
FRODO: Goodbye, Bilbo.
* Mime journey to Shire
* FRODO winces
GANDALF: Are you in pain, Frodo?
FRODO: Well, yes.
* Enter BUTTERBUR
BUTTERBUR: Welcome back! But there are bad times here and in the Shire.
* Exit BUTTERBUR
MERRY: Well, Gandalf is with us, so things will soon be cleared up.
GANDALF: No, you can do it yourselves now. I'm off to see Tom Bombadil.
* Exit GANDALF
* Hobbits come to gate at Brandywine Bridge and hammer on in.
* Enter HOB HAYWARD
HAYWARD: Be off with you! Chief's orders, up at Bag End.
MERRY: What, Lotho Sackville-Baggins?
FRODO: It's time his family dealt with him.
HAYWARD: Now, you watch out for the Chief's Big Men!
SAM: Whatever shall we do?
* MERRY takes out the Horn of Rohan
MERRY: ...Raise the Shire!
* Blows horn. Enter FARMER COTTON. Crowd of hobbits gather, cheering. Mime short battle with Men.
FRODO: And now for the Chief.
COTTON: It's not just the Chief, it's Sharkey that's the mischief.
* Enter SARUMAN and GRIMA
FRODO: Sharkey! *beat* Go away.
HOBBITS: Don't let him go! Kill him! Murderer! (etc)
FRODO: No. Go, Saruman, by the speediest route.
* SARUMAN produces hidden knife, stabs FRODO. It bounces off FRODO's mithril coat.
FRODO: No! Even now, do not kill him.
SARUMAN: Come on, Wormtongue.
* Enter GRIMA
FRODO: Wormtongue! You can stay.
SARUMAN: I don't think so! He killed your Lotho. Leave him to me. *kicks Wormtongue in face.* Follow!
* GRIMA draws knife, pounces on SARUMAN, cuts his throat, turns to flee, and is shot by HOBBITS.
A BYWATER HOBBIT: ...Sharkey's End.
FRODO: *beat* Let's get the Shire back in order.
* Blur of activity. Lots of planting, weeding, growing, record harvests, occasional glimpse of Frodo remembering one or another wound or the loss of the Ring. Mime SAM's wedding to ROSE COTTON and birth of hobbit-baby ELANOR. Exeunt omnes except FRODO and SAM.
FRODO: Will you come on a journey with me, Sam?
* Enter GILDOR and ELVES, ELROND, GALADRIEL, and BILBO.
SAM: Where are you going, Master?
FRODO: To the Havens.
SAM: And I can't come.
FRODO: Not yet.
* Enter CIRDAN THE SHIPWRIGHT
CIRDAN: All is now ready.
* Enter GANDALF.
* Exit CIRDAN
* Enter MERRY and PIPPIN
PIPPIN: Gandalf gave you away this time, Frodo.
GANDALF: Yes. I will not say: do not weep: for not all tears are an evil.
* Mime boarding Elven-ship. Exeunt ELROND, GALADRIEL, GILDOR, ELVES, BILBO, FRODO and GANDALF.
* Mime return to Shire. Exeunt MERRY and PIPPIN.
* Enter ROSE, hands baby to SAM
SAM: Well, I'm back.

* Curtain.

Thank you, thank you, thank you *bows*

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