What if "The Lord of the Rings"had been written as a Prank Phone Call

Aptar and Kerpal's "Kickdog" Prank Phonecall

by Reverend Scapegoat

The Hall Of The Palantir, atop the black Tower of Barad-Dúr.
The Witch King, chief among the Nazgul, lifts the veil covering the Palantir of Mordor...

Witch King:
"Hello."

Saruman:
"Hello, is Sauron there?"

Witch King:
"Who?"

Saruman:
"Sauron. Dark Lord?"

Witch King:
"Can I ask who's speaking please?"

Saruman:
"This is Saruman."

Witch King:
"Who?"

Saruman:
"Sauron."

Witch King:
"OK, one moment please."
[Witch King calls Sauron . . .]

Sauron:
"Hello."

Saruman:
"Hello."

Sauron:
"I See You..."

Saruman:
"Hi, I was just calling because I live across the mountains from you, and your Nazgul come to my tower today and he kick my Warg."

Sauron:
"Pardon?"

Saruman:
"Your Nazgul come to my tower today..."

Sauron:
"Uh-huh."

Saruman:
"And he come on my property and then he kick my Warg. And now my Warg needs magic spell."

Sauron:
"He Kicked Your...?"

Saruman:
"He kicked my Warg!"

Sauron:
"He Kicked Your Warg?"

Saruman:
"Yes."

Sauron:
"Which Nazgul?"

Saruman:
"The one who just answered the Palantir."

Sauron [ Checks with his Nazgul. ]:
"No."

Saruman:
"What?"

Sauron:
"No."

Saruman:
"Yes he did. I saw him. And then I go to... I saw him at your fortress. And, why did he do it?"

Sauron:
"I Don't Know. He Didn't, Said."

Saruman:
"He did! He's lying! He's lying to you, fucking Dark Lord!"

Sauron:
"Where, Where From You Speaking?"

Saruman:
"I am speaking from my tower."

Sauron:
"Where You Live?"

Saruman:
"Across the mountains from you."

Sauron:
"Huh?"

Saruman:
"You know where I live. My Warg, he kicked it and now I'm going to fuck him!"

Sauron [ Mumbles. ]:
"Ohhhh, You Lie, I Dunno..."

Saruman:
"Don't lie, you fucking dark Lord!"

Sauron:
"Hey, Why? Don't Talk Like That!"

Saruman:
"Fuck you! You know damn right what he do!"

Sauron:
"But Who Kicked Your Warg?"

Saruman:
"Your Ring-wraith kicked my Warg!"

Sauron:
"Which Ring-Wraith?"

Saruman:
"YOU KNOW DAMN RIGHT!!!"
[ Quietly ] ...you bastard.

[ Mumbling in background, Witch King comes back to Palantir. ]

Witch King:
"Hello."

Saruman:
"Hello."

Witch King:
"Yeah?"

Saruman:
"Why you kick my Warg?"

Witch King:
"Hello, can I ask who's speaking please?"

Saruman:
"You know damn right! It's Saruman! It's Saruman The White!"

Witch King:
"Who's Saruman? We don't know Saruman!"

Saruman:
"Yes, you do. You kick my Warg today."

Witch King:
"Warg?!"

Saruman:
"Warg!"

Witch King:
"We don't even... We don't..."

Saruman:
"You don't act stupid. You tell your Lord that I am going to attack him. He is going to go to war."

Witch King:
"OK, where the hell do you live?"

Saruman:
"I live on Middle Earth."

Witch King:
"On Middle Earth?"

Saruman:
"You know!"

Witch King:
"You say that one of us have kicked your Warg?"

Saruman:
"Yes."

Witch King:
"Whereabouts do you live?"

Saruman:
"You know damn right!"

Witch King:
"No, we do not know damn right! We don't even know you."

Saruman [ Under breath. ]:
"Yes you do."

Witch King:
"Why? Where the hell do you live?"

Saruman [ Under breath. ]:
"You don't ask dumb question."

Witch King:
"You live in Mordor?"

Saruman:
"No, you just shut up! You try to confuse! I am going to call the Uruk-Hai, and then you're going to go to war!"

Witch King:
"You damn right call the Uruk-Hai because we don't know what the hell..."

Saruman:
"You do not tell me 'damn right'. You do not swear at me."
[ Under breath.] "I am going to kill you."

Witch King:
"You 're going to kill us!?"

Saruman:
"No, no, I'm just kidding! You just tell your Dark Lord that I am going to get my Orcs and they are going to rush you!"

Witch King [ To background. ]:
"I don't know who the hell he is."
[ Back to Saruman. ]:
"Ok, you just go ahead, OK, because we don't know what the fuck you're talking about."

Saruman:
"You don't ever tell me to 'fuck'! You say bad word!"

Witch King:
"Well you talk to us this way when you have no proof-"

Saruman:
"Fuck you, you! You do not tell me fuck you! OK you? You know?"

Witch King:
"Please just get lost, OK? Because we're fed up."

Saruman:
"Fuck you. You are going to war."

Witch King:
"We don't know who the hell you are and you're Palantiring us with all these obscene-"

Saruman:
"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! You shut up, you!"

Witch King:
"Don't tell me to shut up, I did not-"

Saruman:
"Shut up! You stink!"

Witch King:
"Oh, you stink too!"

Saruman:
"No, you don't-"

Witch King:
"You stink too!"

Saruman:
"I do not stink!"

Witch King:
"I think you do!"

Saruman:
"Fuck you, Just because I am wizard doesn't mean I stink!"
[ He puts the veil back over the Palantir.]