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(screen shot of Mount Doom, with appropriate burst of
drum-laden music; fade to shot of Ashleigh Banfield
with microphone; Ashleigh has not be cud and does not
know she is on-air)
Ashleigh: Dammit, when am I going to be able to get
some rest? First Ground Zero, then Pakistan, then Long
Island, then BACK to Pakistan, then in the middle of
the night, the phone rings, "pack your things, you're
going to Mordor!" Had to call three travel agents before
I could even find one who knew where the heck Mordor
WAS (hears cue in earphone finally)... Oh. I'm standing
just outside the Black Gate of Mordor here in Middle
Earth. We don't know much at this hour, but we're hearing
reports that a small band of freedom fighters, calling
themselves "The Fellowship" have obtained the One Ring
and even now are attempting to get it into Mordor for
the purpose of destroying it. We have heard reports
from Isengard that the Ents, having been oppressed for
years, have risen up and are battling with the forces
of Saruman even as we speak. There are unconfirmed rumors
that the Elves are departing Middle Earth for the western
lands, but again, those are unconfirmed rumors, and
when we know more, we will certainly be reporting on
that. We are also hearing unconfirmed reports, again,
these ar unconfirmed reports, of a battle at Helms Deep.
There appear to be many fronts to this new war, and
the reports just keep coming in. We should know more
in the next few hours. For now, I'm Ashleigh Banfield
for MSNBC, in Mordor.